“The first thing we do is, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

~William Shakespeare from Henty VI Part II

To go from one quote to another, there’s an old saying about “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Following that dictum, it only stands to reason that if people hated lawyers 500 years ago, they probably still do. Even for those who don’t, it’s shit like today’s example that will ultimately convert them.

As we find ourselves on Father’s Day, and from a sporting perspective, the final round of the U.S. Open, it it is today I discovered the golf world’s sign we are near the end of civilization. No, this has nothing to do with this weekend’s major championship, nor does it involve the soap opera that the clash-turned-merger-turned-legal-swamp between LIV Golf and the PGA has become.

But as you might have guessed, it does revolved around lawyers…

Outkick opens their piece with a big bag of obvious: if you buy a house next to a golf course, you should expect it to get dinged with the occasional golf ball, right? Apparently “obvious” has different meanings to different people, particularly these two Massholes.

For purposes of full fairness, you can’t have scumbag lawyers if you don’t have scumbag clients. Even the most pernicious parasite requires a host…feel free to go full “chicken or egg” for your preference as to which is which.

For me, this is all about the scumbag clients, Erik and Athina Tenczar. The tweet below should tell all you need to know.

A Massachusetts couple that lives on a golf course is suing the golf club because their house, on a golf course, gets hit by golf balls. https://t.co/B4rF7170qi

— OutKick (@Outkick) February 26, 2023

But like every “As Seen On TV” commercial says “But wait…THERE’S MORE!” You really get a better sense of what complete pain-in-the-ass types these two are as you breakdown this story.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Erik and Athina Tenczar filed a lawsuit one year after moving in…

…The Tenczars purchased their four-bedroom home in 2017. It sits near a left-hand dogleg on the 15th hole of the Indian Pond Country Club in Kingston, Massachusetts.

~ Outkick

When I read those sentences, here’s what I picture. These two dilcues have almost enough money to live the “house on a golf course” lifestyle; they are so close they can taste it. If you close your eyes, you can see them. I know there’s a photo of them in the Outkick piece, but whoever said a picture is worth 1,000 words didn’t understand the narrative concept.

She drives the kids to soccer practice in a brand-new Escalade. He putts around town in a used (but late model) Mercedes. They got together and pain-in-the-assed their kids’ soccer league into a “participation trophy” outfit. After soccer practice, every other parent takes their kids out for pizza; she’s the one who’s forcing feeding her’s yogurt and avocado toast. Meanwhile, he’s the one who wants to be the “country club guy,” but he couldn’t hit a sand wedge 50 yards if his life depended on it. Despite that cardinal indicator of low testosterone, he still manages to skirt the boundaries of sexual harassment with the receptionist at his firm.

Then one day, they spot the real estate listing for this four-bedroom beauty right on a golf course. It’s such a tantalizing offer, they blow right past some important considerations. Again, there’s the obvious, golf course means golf balls.

While I don’t know this for sure, I’d be willing to bet this house’s location on that dogleg means even more golf balls.

They quickly discovered that amateur golfers who play on the golf course next to their home are not as good as professionals and are often unable to cut the corner of the dogleg despite their best efforts.

~Outkick

Bingo. I’d also put some cash on the idea that more golf balls might just mean a discount on the purchase price. After all, the houses get cheaper the closer they get to the airport. A hail of golf balls must have a similar effect.

That’s part of why I think it took them a full year to bring this lawsuit. Even if they couldn’t figure out the “proximity to course/golf ball strikes” ratio, the correlation with which they had the most concern was the “Had Enough” factor. In other words, how many ball strikes did it finally take before they decided they couldn’t take it anymore?

Nobody knows…because the The Tenczars aren’t there yet. It is vital to note that for all the distress and hardship they claim in the lawsuit, there’s never a mention of them selling the house. In other words, the whole point of the lawsuit is to make the cheap house even cheaper. You can fix a lot of broken windows for 3.5 million dollars, especially if it means still living the “house on a golf course” lifestyle.” After all, what better attraction could there be for these “wanna-bes” than turning “almost enough money” into a payday?

Let’s just hope that after the Tenczars fix their windows and grease their parasite lawyer whatever percentage he sucks off their settlement like a gorging wood tick, there’s enough left over for Erik Tenczar to take a few golf lessons.

Then…maybe he can finally hit a sand wedge.

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You can see all our signs we are near the end of civilization here.

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