This is a six-part installment of “The Deep Six” because the The Unknown Blogger has been in the American workforce long enough to have plenty of opinions (36 of them to be exact) on the people you find in it.  You can see the other installments here:

• Part One
• Part Two
• Part Three
• Part Four
• Part Six (coming soon)

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Most of us have jobs, which means unless you are the re-incarnation of Mahatma Fucking Gandhi, we all have at least one co-worker we’d like to drown in a toilet stall. If you’re like me, you might just have more than one.  The reasons why we don’t like them are as numerous as those annoying-ass people themselves.  Let’s be honest. common decency and civility got euthanized in this country decades ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t use that term.  “Euthanize” sounds like there was a gentleness in it’s death; what we collectively did to common decency and civility made the St. Valentine’s Massacre look like it was preceded by a candlelight dinner with wine and roses.

Having said that, I’m here to break down the various types of co-workers we can all agree need to be lined up against a wall in front of a belt-fed machine gun, but to offer the age old test…if you look through this list and don’t see one of the types mentioned, consider the possibility it may very be you.

12) The Desk Drummer

This really applies to all needless noise makers, which for some reason in a cube farm are almost always percussionists. It doesn’t matter if they are pen clickers, foot tappers, or drawer slammers, these people are the leading cause of workplace violence because they have an annoyance factor higher than hang-nails and paper cuts combined.

11) Captain Eat-Crime

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the guy from Where-ever-istan who has no idea how overpoweringly odd his lunch smells. I’m talking about you white-bread Americans who should know better. I don’t give a shit how good the Trout Almondine was you had for dinner last night, you should know your leftover lunch smells like you’re microwaving radioactive sewage that’s been marinating in Rosie O’Donnell’s ass-crack. Worse yet, that stench lingers longer than a shorts-staining Taco Hell fart. Just so we’re clear, this also applies to the people whose lunch has so much garlic it’s vapor trail is like nerve gas for vampires.

But this doesn’t mean you can’t have a talk with the foreign guy. If you want these people to assimilate, you have to be willing to help them.

10) “Radiohead”

This person gets the tag “Radiohead” because they’re a creep…they’re a loser. Just to be clear, this is another case where we aren’t talking about the obvious reprobate HR puts the clamps on right away. Instead, our “Radiohead” stays just under the Creeper Cops’ radar, but still gives you the feeling they give themselves the ol’ “Grip n’ Grin” to pictures of you they found on InstaTokFace.

In all fairness, it needs to be pointed out there’s as many “Radioheads” running on a “Y” chromosome as there are pulling “Double X” duty. The dudes are easier to spot because they’ve been successfully stereotyped…or else that whole fucking song couldn’t exist.

Women fly under the radar easier because they aren’t immediately thought to be twisted, isolated perverts. If an obviously lonely guy compliments a woman about her toenail polish, everybody thinks he’s spurting out knuckle children over some foot freak site. But nobody ever pegs the lonely woman who tells a man she likes his after-shave as having a body pillow doused in it she keeps duct-taped to one of those bumpy European cucumbers.

9) The Deliberate Weirdo

By now, you may have noticed we’re finding a need for distinctions. We’re getting down to the people who aren’t as obvious, but are just as destructive to a functional work space. The “Deliberate Weirdo” is the perfect example. These aren’t the people who are innocently and organically odd. I’m talking about the self-absorbed ass-wipe who has chosen weirdness as a form of “self-expression.”

Think the “goth” chick with the pasty white face, the black eye-liner and lipstick who dresses in all black and touches up her not-jet-black roots with a Sharpie.  This bitch loves to run around telling everybody she’s a Wiccan, but is still every bit the suburban soccer mom she pretends not to be.

The greater evil here is when “Deliberate Weirdos” meet and procreate. For reason only owners of a crystal ball would know, these Sharpie-heads are drawn to the guy from the mail room with the adolescent facial hair who calls himself “The Dungeon Master” and paints figurines for those weird-ass role-playing games. After they have their awkward weirdo sex, we all get stuck with their inevitably maladjusted crotch goblins, most of whom can’t help but grow up to be “Radioheads.”

8 ) CNN: The “Cubicle News Network“

This is just an updated term for the old-fashioned office gossip. God knows some people think dishing dirt on co-workers is always fun, but getting close to the “Cubicle News Network” is a double-edged sword. While there is gratification in being right on how may trips the office “slut” has been to the free clinic, it also means your dirt is now public as well.

Even if you think you’re dirt-free, just like the real CNN, the “Cubicle News Network” will just make shit up to fill a narrative. They get their kicks from thinking people believe their bullshit…because far too many do. That’s actually the key to these blowbags; ignoring them takes away all their power.

7) The Bionic Mouth

Unlike the the “Cubicle News Network,” these are people who don’t restrict themselves to office gossip. They go on and on about anything and everything. In other words, they never fucking shut up. Not only does the term “bionic” imply outrageous endurance, but they always speak at a volume which could make civil defense sirens obsolete.

However, the one trait “Bionic Mouths” share with the “Cubicle News Network” is their love of social media. If you allow either of those types into your InstaTokFace world, expect a never-ending stream of shit you couldn’t care less about layered on top of the fact that you created this problem by not ignoring them in the first fucking place. It’s just like smashing your thumb with a hammer; it hurts all the worse knowing you did it to yourself.

As the “Countdown King” Casey Kasem would tell you, only 6 to go to get to #1…stay tuned.

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