Those who served in the military may look at this list differently than those who didn’t, but for purposes of this discussion, it’s the textbook definition of a “distinction without a difference.” For example, if you ever stood on the yellow footprints of the United States Marine Corps, you know the difference between a “drill sergeant” and a “drill instructor.” Here, the terms matter less; what matters more is fact movies and television brought us the gift of “common knowledge” of the “drill sergeant.”
Since this is Dubsism…the description is right there in the header…together we can take that common knowledge on a trek discovering how far the traits of a memorable drill sergeant have marched their way into the world of sports.
Honorable Mention 2. Gunnery Sergeant Drake: Tribes
Actually, Sergeant Drake couldn’t work with his mastered medium because Tribes was a made-for-TV movie which originally aired in 1970. But if you think I’m passing up the obvious Darren McGavin/A Christmas Story connection here, you might need some “boot camp” time of your own. You also may want to officially call that “foreshadowing.” Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Being made and set during the heart of the Vietnam War, Tribes won 3 Primetime Emmys because it took an unconventional approach to the most mythologized branch of the United States military. As such, many of my fellow U.S. Marines detest this movie because in certain circles questioning the culture or traditions of the Marine Corps is an infamia of first order.
One of Drake’s recruits is the prototypical “hippie” of the era. Naturally, the opposition between Drake representing the machinations of the Marine Corps and the free spirit attitude of his hippie recruit form the backbone of the movie. But the twist comes when Drake spots how the other recruits respond to the hippie; he’s becoming the de facto squad leader.
Drake sees the hippie’s leadership potential, but the Chief Drill Instructor disagrees, thus introducing conflict between the two sergeants. Drake sticks his neck out for the “hippie,” taking a gamble which he ultimately loses.
Sports Figure Comparison: Andy Reid
I’ve always said the measure of a truly great football coach is being the one who can find his quarterback. Nobody exemplifies that more than Andy Reid. He’s the guy who saw the potential of Patrick Mahomes, and stuck his neck out accordingly. By giving up other picks to move up in the NFL Draft, Reid’s gamble paid off…unlike Sergeant Drake’s.
Too bad, because Andy Reid might have been awesome in A Christmas Story. I bet he could really work with profanity.
Honorable Mention 1. Sergeant Major Mulcahy: Glory
If you aren’t familiar, Glory follows the exploits of the 54th Massachusetts Regiment; a unit consisting of of black volunteers with white leadership. Another movie of similar age, The Commitments makes mention of “the Irish are the blacks of Europe.” That’s the beauty of the very Erin Go Bragh Sergeant Major Mulcahy being tasked with of taking them on the trek from volunteer to soldier.
Race issues are inherent to a situation with freed slaves taking orders from white men, but it becomes clear to all that Mulcahy’s methods…while seen as harsh…are all about turning his men into first-rate soldiers, which will increase their odds of surviving what is coming.
Sports Figure Comparison: Don Haskins
As the head basketball coach at Texas Western University (now the University of Texas-El Paso), Don Haskins found himself in a place that would take us from Mulcahy’s tale in Glory to inspiring a film of his own, Glory Road.
Yeah, I know that movie takes some liberties with the story; name one that doesn’t. The comparison here is in Haskins leading his 1966 Texas Western team…a team nobody ever heard of…against the basketball bluebloods from the University of Kentucky for the NCAA championship. Haskins happened to be leading the first team with an all black starting lineup, they were facing the legendary Adolph “I will never integrate” Rupp’s Kentucky Wildcats.
That’s the beauty of American movies diving into the depths of racism…they love a trope.
10. Technical Sergeant Jim Moore: The D.I.
Speaking of tropes…
For those of you of sufficient age, you likely associate Jack Webb’s face with a badge rather than a “Smokey the Bear” hat. The connection is in more than just the man in the uniform; it’s about how Jack Webb portrayed them. Regardless of whether we’re talking about Sergeant Joe Friday or Sergeant Jim Moore, the discussion can’t help but to be all about tropes.
Ironically, it’s cliché to say writers, critics, and other media blow-hacks love to babble endlessly about tropes to such an extent the very idea of it has become a cliché all it’s own. They’re not just prevalent; tropes are the twists in a writer’s DNA.
Having said that, if there were a Trope Hall of Fame, it couldn’t be legitimate without Jack Webb’s name on the door. His cardboard-stiff “letter of the law” characters came to embody strict authoritarianism. Not to mention, are there four more iconic notes in the history of theme music than these?
In other words, it doesn’t matter if you don’t remember Webb’s “Sergeant Moore;” you’ve seen at least bits of him in every starched-shirt, stone-faced, buzz-cut authority figure ever since.
Sports Figure Comparison: Gene Mauch
Like tropes, there’s isn’t yet a Comparisons Hall of Fame, but if there were, it wouldn’t be complete without Gene Mauch. That’s why we have a Dubsy Award named for him. Mauch managed a lot of bad baseball teams, but losing allowed him the freedom to experiment with things that became baseball tropes to this day.
Mauch didn’t invent “The Shift,” but if you were an Angels fan of the right age, you remember some “interesting” infield alignments. However, Mauch was one of the first managers to specialize his bullpen with “one-batter” guys, “set up” men, and dedicated 9th-inning closers. Mauch was a pioneer with juggling batting orders; putting his biggest bats in lead-off roles rather in the “clean up” spots. Although it was killed off by the Designated Hitter, Mauch is widely held as the inventor of “platooning;” essentially, this was “job sharing” using two players on a part-time basis at a position, usually alternating based on pitching matchups.
In other words, it doesn’t matter if you don’t remember Gene Mauch, as long as there’s baseball it will always bear Mauch’s marks.
9. Career Sergeant Charles Zim: Starship Troopers
Another key trope for “drill sergeant” types is their constant balancing act between “insult” comedian and and raving psychopath. In this case, Zim is the poster child for complete, homicidal imbalance. While drill sergeants often use harsh methods for training, what are Zim’s cadets supposed to learn from knives being thrown at them, their throats being knelt on until unconsciousness, or having their bones broken?
Ultimately, Zim’s brutality got him busted down to private.
Sports Figure Comparison: Billy Martin
As a player, Billy Martin was known for his penchant for fighting opposing players. As a manager, Billy Martin was known for fighting anybody…including his own players. While there were numerous examples, three stand out.
- Dave Boswell, 1969: While managing the Minnesota Twins, Martin confronted pitcher Dave Boswell in an alley behind the team’s hotel. Martin berated Boswell over his performance that day, and when the pitcher took exception, Martin sucker-punched him.
- Reggie Jackson, 1977: During a nationally televised game at Fenway Park, the New York Yankee dugout erupted when Billy Martin and his star outfielder had to be physically separated during an argument over what Martin believed was Jackson’s lack of hustle.
- Ed Whitson, 1985: In another incident in one of Martin’s five stints managing the New York Yankees, Martin picked a fight with another of his own pitchers. This time it was a guy named Ed Whitson, who was a big, burly Texan about twice the size of the diminutive Martin. Naturally, the Yankee skipper got the worse of it, getting a world-class shiner and a broken arm in trade for giving Whitson a small cut on his lip.
Ultimately, Martin’s love of fisticuffs got him canned more often than tuna fish.
8. Sergeant 1st Class Hulka: Stripes
In a stark contrast to Zim, Sergeant Hulka represents the near-perfect balance. On one hand, Hulka checks all the cliché boxes for the hard-ass drill sergeant. But on the other hand his wranglings with comedy giants Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, and John Candy prove Sergeant Hulka to be a comedic heavyweight all his own.
But hands aren’t what keep Hulka in the body of this list; it’s this exchange with one of his recruits during a group “getting to know each other” session. With his his response, Hulka proves he could handle the Olympic balance beam in a campaign hat and combat boots.
” I’m gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. In An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn’t always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe…Sergeant Hulka!.”
~Recruit John Winger
“Well, okay, hot shot…we’re gonna see what kind of soldier you are. Reveille is 0500. We’re going to fall out with locker boxes and we’re going to have a locker box inspection. Then we’re going to do ten miles, rain or shine! So, you better hit them bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the big toe is going to see how far he can stick it up your ass!”
~Sergeant Hulka
Sports Figure Comparison: Lou “The Toe” Groza
Back in the day, there were no kickers in football. Place-kicking duties were usually given to the biggest, strongest man on the team who was given a steel-toed shoe and told to kick the ball as hard as he could. That’s how offensive lineman Lou Groza was the National Football League’s (NFL) all-time leading scorer for decades.
More importantly…and specifically to John Winger’s point…where have the Cleveland Browns been over the years without their “Big Toe?” There hasn’t been an NFL Championship on the shores of Lake Erie since Lou Groza retired in 1967. I suppose that could be a coincidence…
7. Regimental Sergeant Major: Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
The very nature of the “drill sergeant” character lends itself for lampooning all too well, and nobody understood that better than Monty Python. Michael Palin’s Regimental Sergeant Major is every bit a “drill sergeant,” but he’s made farcical and preposterous with his bellowing, yet squeaky high-pitched voice and handlebar mustache.
The RSM is made even more comical by placing him in a ridiculous situation. When his squad loses interest in their drills, the RSM dismisses them one by one until he is the only one remaining marching in the square.
By the way, the irony isn’t lost with this old military man that the actor who played the Regimental Sergeant Major is now a “Sir.”
Sports Figure Comparison: College Football Coaches On The Losing End Of NIL
One day in America, we decided to pay college football players. Good, bad, or indifferent, ignoring it’s impact is a fool’s errand. After that day, football coaches at less affluent programs were left twirling their “broke Monopoly guy” mustaches while watching the taillights of their talent heading for greener (as in money) pastures.
Under the guise of the current Name, Image, and Likeness provisions, college football now has de facto free agency. Again regardless of your opinion, we have no choice but to agree it’s now far more aligned with professional football; the top talent goes to the highest bidder. As it stands now, that leaves coaches at colleges without overflowing coffers standing alone in the square like the Regimental Sergeant Major.
Then again, maybe it’s just the mustache…
6. Sergeant 1st Class Merwin J. Toomey: Biloxi Blues
You had me at “Christopher Walken as a drill sergeant.” As much of a hook as that is, it’s still not the sharpest part of this. Since Neil Simon wrote Biloxi Blues about his own journey through U.S. Army basic training in 1944, it’s a safe assumption there was a real-life Toomey…and he was fucking crazy.
I’d really rather say Toomey was simply eccentric, but doing so requires overlooking his cruel and sadistic streaks. Granted, drill sergeants are not warm and fuzzy by design, but Toomey’s looniness tip-toes the line between a friendly (by drill sergeant standards) if not comical military version of a high school gym teacher and a hard-nosed, hard-drinking malcontent whose mastered projecting his own emotional hell on to his recruits.
Sports Figure Comparison: Mike Leach
Mike Leach is Merwin Toomey born 60 years later, just with far less sadism. But he still was Toomey-level eccentric…complete with his obsession with pirates. You can web-search that all you want; beware that rabbit hole gets mighty deep.
For me, the quirkiness of Mike Leach was on clearest display in his quotes. Much like Sergeant Toomey had his own way with words, Leach had a similar, if not unforgettably off-beat way of making a point. Every once in a while I re-read his 5 Thought That Have Nothing To Do With Football because they are the Leachian approach to Sun Tzu’s 7 Rules for Strategic Thinking. Just because he was weird didn’t mean he wasn’t a genius.
But for my money, the purest examples of Leachian philosophy sounds as if they could have come from from the mouth of Merwin Toomey himself.
#3: “Some player comes frantically to the sideline, ‘Okay, they did this. Well, okay they did this. The cheerleader ran around the stadium three times and then the Shetland pony came out and ate a hot dog on the 50-yard line, so now what do I do?’”
~Mike Leach on confusion on the sidelines
#2: “It’s a little like breakfast; you eat ham and eggs. As coaches and players, we’re like the ham. You see, the chicken’s involved but the pig’s committed. We’re like the pig, they’re like the chicken. They’re involved, but everything we have rides on this.”
~Mike Leach on commitment
#1: “It’s kind of like doing surgery with a chainsaw instead of a scalpel. We had pieces and parts flying everywhere. It turned out in our favor. We’ve just got to clean it up the next time around.”
~Mike Leach on his team playing a sloppy game
5. Gunnery Sergeant Emil Foley: An Officer and a Gentleman
Many Marines reading this won’t identify immediately with Sergeant Foley. Instead, many old Jarheads get their flashback groove on over the guy at #3 on this list. That’s because there’s a subtle difference between “boot camp” drill instructors like #3 and those at Officers Candidate School (OCS). D.I.’s at OCS like Sergeant Foley are a special kind of ruthless and brutal because they know after graduation, all those horrible little barf-bags will become officers…and then they’ll have to call them “sir.” I know this because there was a day when I was one of those horrible little barf-bags.
However, much like the earlier Sergeant Major Mulcahy, guys like Foley know that these future officers will also be the ones leading men into harm’s way, and if they make them to be inferior leaders, they will just get a lot of people killed.
Sports Figure Comparison: Jim Lee Howell
Odds are you never heard of this guy. He’s no household name, but today football fans love to talk about “coaching trees.” The reason for that is the belief that winning cultures begat winning cultures, and there’s a lot of truth in that. Part being an effective leader is creating those who will assume command in your wake. Nobody did that more than NFL head coach Jim Lee Howell; his coaching tree reaches through the last 70 years of the NFL. In other words, he played a role in creating as many leaders as Sergeant Foley.
He led the 1956 New York Giants to an NFL championship, but he’s not in the Hall of Fame and his name doesn’t pop off the tongue during discussions of all time great coaches. But there’s more than one name in Howell’s coaching tree that does. Not to mention, look at how many current head coaches and coordinators on this tree are active in the NFL today…
Howell’s coaching tree is unparalleled, and this is only a selected version. Since Howell had two all- time greats on his staff, I limited the tree’s growth to the best two branches for each until the list got to today’s current coaches.
By the way, the “Mike McCormack” mentioned in that coaching tree is not the same one who was my inspiration when I got the Vatican version of being “Shanghai-ed” into being high-school history teacher.
4. Chief Petty Officer Otto Sharkey
They don’t have sergeants in the Navy because like Steve Martin’s description of the French, sailors have a different word for everything. Doors are “hatches,” stairways are “ladders,” and walls are “bulkheads.” They even got me; as an old Marine who spent more time in the bowels of a Navy ship than he would care to admit, the two bathrooms in my house are known as the “foreward head” and the “aft head.”
But a rose by any other name is still a non-commissioned officer charged with taking raw recruits and turning them into functional military men. Not only was that CPO Sharkey’s role, he embodied a crucial component of all great drill instructors…can there be a better example of an “insult comic” than Don Rickles?
Sports Figure Comparison: Larry Bird
A recent post on this blog compared basketball icon Larry Bird to one of the biggest bad-asses in all of music history because he did things his own way. That post didn’t touch on the one area where “Larry Legend” was the unquestioned king.
While many say Muhammad Ali was the benchmark for “trash talking” in the world of sports, he gets that accolade for being a poetically dramatic showman. While Ali’s ability to turn it on for the cameras can’t be dismissed, it also can’t be used to ignore the sheer intimidating power of Larry Bird using “insult comedy” to get inside his opponents’ heads. Larry Bird may not have invented trash-talking, but he sure as shit took it to a level considered by many to be perfection.
3. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Full Metal Jacket
Even if you have to go to YouTube to do it, you really need to watch the video above. Sergeant Hartman is the “drill instructor” from central casting; he looks the part and he sounds the part, because R. Lee Ermey was the part. From his own bio:
“Ermey spent eleven years in the Marine Corps, two of which were spent as being a Drill Instructor at Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, India Company 3rd Recruit Training Battalion,1965-67. Arrived in Vietnam in 1968, spending 14 months attached to Marine Wing Support Group 17 and 2 tours in Okinawa. He rose to the rank of Staff Sergeant and was medically retired for injuries received.“
~ rleeermey.com
That explains why Sergeant Hartman is considered the standard by which all on-screen drill instructors are measured. Part of the verité giving so much credence to the “Hartman” character is Ermey’s improvisation of so many great lines in Full Metal Jacket; he simply drew from his own experiences.
If only he had known what was going to happen to him with Private Pyle…
Sports Figure Comparison: Vince Lombardi
Being tough, loud, and profane aren’t the only traits Lombardi shares with Hartman, but they are the ones which make him the “coach from central casting.” Besides, when it comes to being the standard by which others are measured, it is powerful commentary when the league puts your name on the trophy it awards to it’s champions.
If only he had known what would happen to him with the Washington Redskins…
2. Master Sergeant Orville C. King: No Time For Sergeants
I’m not sure I could say Sergeant King is my favorite “3+ stripe” guy on this list, but he’s the one with whom I identify the most…because were both old guys. Sergeant King is a career military man who has a keen understanding that Survival Rule #1 in his world is not making waves.
In his own words, Sergeant King is an “old man…my constitution needs peace and tranquility.” Seeking to avoid confrontation, consternation, and any other “-tion” which might make waves, King is the anti-hero to the trope-driven “drill sergeant” character.
That’s the key that unlocks this character’s true genius. That departure from the stereotype allows Sergeant King to float seamlessly between the usual “insult comic” component with his Chupacabra-like ability to be the drill sergeant who doesn’t get the punch line; he can play the “straight man” with the best of them.
Sports Figure Comparison: John Gagliardi
Many people reading this list may have never heard of Sergeant King; most sports fans have similar familiarity with John Gagliardi. Get ready to be educated because both brought success in their own way to a world not made for who those shattering the mold for two great authoritarian character types; drill sergeants and football coaches.
Gagliardi’s predecessor as head coach at St. John’s (Minnesota) University was Pro Football Hall of Johnny “Blood” McNally. When his unsuccessful tenure leading the Johnnies came to and end in 1952, he was noted to say “nobody can win at St. John’s.” Gagliardi brought his 24-6-1 record from four years at Montana’s Carroll College to Collegeville, Minnesota in 1953.
He immediately implemented his unique philosophy which he called “Winning with No’s.” This meant there was no addressing him as “coach,” there were no whistles, blocking sleds, or tackling in his practices, no mandatory weight training, and no practice lasted longer than 90 minutes.
In other words, like King did with drill sergeants, Gagliardi became the anti-hero to the trope-driven “football coach” character. And by then end…he was old.
Despite their archetypical reputation, arguing with either a drill sergeant or a football coach is still not as futile as denying success. In 60 seasons at Saint John’s, Gagliardi guided the Johnnies to 27 Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (MIAC) titles and four national championships. Combined with his time at Carroll College, Gagliardi notched a career record of 489 wins, 138 losses, and 11 ties. It’s hard to dispute the methods of a man who to this day is the winningest coach in the history of college football.
1. Regimental Sergeant Major Sandy Young: The Wild Geese
Let’s bring up an important, yet so far unmentioned trope for “drill sergeant” characters. That whole balancing act between comic and head case is one thing, but the best ones have one common characteristic; they are genuinely terrifying. RSM Young red-lines the meter in two main “scary motherfucker” categories: Looks and Threats.
First of all, just look at this fucking guy. The four jokers on Mt. Rushmore aren’t this stone-faced. The quarry which gave us stone solid enough to form his face could only be found on Mt. Fuck Around And Find Out. Those crags give granite a Grade 3 case of “hard-envy.” Not only does the man look like he would cut your balls off with a hedge clipper, the only thing more terrifying than that stare is what comes out of his mouth.
The follow-up to that command is the threat “or I will sew your asshole shut!” That’s scary enough knowing that he both could and would do it. But when you remember in this movie RSM Young isn’t in a regulated army, he’s been hired to train a unit of hired mercenaries. In other words, there are no rules to stop him from doing exactly the terrifying things he’s being paid to threaten. Given that, how is it possible to be more frightening than a man who can still scare the shit out people with sealed assholes?
Sports Figure Comparison: Aleksandr Karelin
The answer is to be Aleksandr Karelin. The man is another example of a genuinely dangerous imbalance; there’s just too much bad-assery residing inside one man. In his prime, I never heard Karelin speak; but he had no need. He may well have been the scariest motherfucker to roam free on this earth. Categorizing what Karelin did to his opponents as “wrestling” would be like describing prison rape as “enthusiastic hugging.”
Representing Russia, Karelin dominated the world of Greco-Roman wrestling from 1986 to 2000. But to make himself more ominous, in 1995 Karelin became a member of the Russian tax police. Can you imagine a 6’4″ 280-pound chunk of gristle and the best steroids labs can’t detect money can buy as a tax collector who is legally allowed to put you in a Full Nelson?
That’s not all. in 1999, Karelin accepted an invitation from Head Russkie Vladimir Putin to begin a political career. He joined the United Russia party and was elected to the Duma. Then in 2017 he joined PutinTeam, a political organization dedicated to Vladimir Putin’s policies. Karelin’s upward mobility continued in 2020 with his appointment to the office of Senator from the Legislative Assembly of Novosibirsk Oblast in the Federation Council.
In other words, not only could Karelin snap your neck with two fingers, he can can call Vladimir Putin to have it done. That should scare the shit our of you regardless of what’s been done to your asshole.
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