The Fifteenth Annual Dubsy Awards
It’s the oldest tradition we have here at Dubsism…every January since this blog was created, we have given awards for achievements during the previous year in under-recognized categories in the world of sports.
However, due to some unusual circumstances, this year January became February.
In the early years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but then came the realization we are bloggers, not Soviet-era kommissars. Once we opened the nominations to you the blog-reading public, we had so much success that we had no choice but to continue that.
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. This year, we were simply overwhelmed by the number of nominations we received. As we have always maintained, we read every goddamn one of them. That took more time that anticipated, but there was simply no way we would not take the time to read everything you took the time to send. The number of nominations we received is yet another testament to the number of valued readers Dubsism has amassed over the years; again thank you so much for that!!!
Having said that, after having given careful consideration to the nearly 100,000 nominations which were submitted to the Dubsism Nomination Committee…here are the winners!
More detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.
The Fifteenth Annual Dubsy Awards
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
- Winner: Kipp Fagg, Scouting Director, Texas Rangers (nominated by Lone Porn Star)
- Honorable Mention: Parker Titsworth, Offensive Lineman, Ohio University (nominated by Anne Arbor)
Let’s be honest…more often than not, the winner in this category gets the award on a serious “Beavis and Butthead” factor. This year is no exception; feel free to make all the jokes you want with our winner and honorable mention. They really do write themselves.
Previous Winner: Jackson Boob, Holidaysburg, Pennsylvania Little League
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
- Winner: Clark Lea, Head Football Coach, Vanderbilt University (nominated by VolunTears)
- Honorable Mention: Sean Stellato, Agent for New York Giants quarterback Tommy DeVito (nominated by jerseyguy6526)
Despite the fact it doesn’t draw much attention nationally, the rivalry between Vanderbilt and Tennessee is still one of the classic, old-school, in-state variety. Don’t even try to tell me that didn’t play a huge role in what happened in this year’s edition.
And don’t try to tell me the Vandy head coach wasn’t in it all the way, especially when he thought the zebras weren’t doing enough to protect his players while the whistles and flags were flying.
Coming from obscurity to lead the sorry-ass Giants to a three-game winning streak, DeVito proved even the most temporary fame attracts parasites. Apparently, during his “fifteen minutes,” DeVito had agreed to make a personal appearance Coniglio’s Old Fashioned Pizzeria in Morristown, New Jersey. But at some point, DeVitos’ agent Sean Stellato doubled the fee for the appearance.
Owner Nino Coniglio wasn’t about to take that lying down; he posted this on Instagram.
Stellato was quoted by Darren Rovell denying that he had ever raised the fee.
But Coniglio immediately called “bullshit” on that by sending the following to Rovell.
Nothing says “ginzaloon” like winning three games and already having your own “bling.” 
That’s Sean Stellato not at all looking like an extra from “The Godfather.” 
Nothing says “Jersey” more than “Tommy Cutlets” and “Snooki.” 
The other “Tommy DeVito” learning the hard lesson about pissing off pizza guys. 
Tommy DeVito in action as a New York Giant.
Previous Winner: Juwan Howard, Head Basketball Coach, University of Michigan
The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery
- Co-Winners: Sparky the Sun Devil, Arizona State University and Wilbur the Wildcat, University of Arizona (nominated by Joe Pesci’s Utes)
- Honorable Mention: The Washington
RedskinsGeneralsCommanders (nominated by Sioux City Suzy)
This category gives us yet another example of the power of the in-state rivalry in college football, and thanks to the guy who sent us the nomination, we’re up to two really needless Joe Pesci references.
God knows this isn’t the first time it’s happened, but there’s just nothing more classic for this award that two people brawling while wearing 80 pounds of cotton balls.
As hilarious as that is, there is nothing funnier than the Washington Redskins Generals Commanders trying to do what they thought was the “right thing”…and still fucking it all up. Regardless of where you stand on the issue of native mascots in sports, you have to admit this could only happen to the artist formerly known as the Redskins.
The Native Americans who are leading a viral petition demanding the Washington Commanders reclaim their historic Redskins name bristled with anger and resolve after a team representative called their organization “a fake group.”
“We’re not a fake group. We’re tribal-enrolled members from tribes across the United States,” Eunice Davidson, co-founder and president of the nonprofit Native American Guardians Association (NAGA), headquartered in North Dakota, told Fox News Digital during an interview.
That came in response to some seriously “Only Washington” stupidity.
“You understand the people that started this petition is a fake group, right?” Matthew Laux, a premium-seat sales manager for the Commanders and FedEx Field, wrote on August 18 in a text to a former luxury-suite season ticket holder.
It only makes you wonder what’s next…
Previous Winner: Cosmo the Cougar, Brigham Young University
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
- Winner: George Kliavkoff, Commissioner, Pac-12 Conference (nominated by Loose on the Palouse)
- Honorable Mention: The security guard who tackled Adam Hadwin (nominated by Al, Pack A Sweater)
The implosion of the Pac-12 Conference offers us the classic example of “Nero fiddling while Rome burns.”
The date stamp on that X/Tweet is important. 2022 is when the winds of change starting blowing in the direction of a mass exodus of Pac-12 members. But the rumbles of troubles pre-dated that. In 2021, the Pac-12 athletic directors became of then-commissioner Larry Scott because he was not coming through on his promises of new and big television contract money. Scott continued to go full “Wimpy” on the league’s ADs; always promising to come across with money later for football today.
Scott’s failure to open the cash box led to two things. The ADs started looking for their own pots of gold and they started plotting to replace Scott. Those plots weren’t intended to intersect; but one could make the case that the law of unintended consequences is what really took down the Pac-12.
The Pac-12 ADs replaced Larry Scott with Kliavkoff in 2022. Their thought was Kliavkoff had an impeccable history of being a revenue generator. He was an entertainment executive at MGM Resorts in Las Vegas, and was an integral part of both Major League Baseball and NBC Universal during the dawn of the streaming era. Not only that, but part of his tenure at NBC Universal saw him in a pivotal role in the launch of Hulu as a major streaming platform. All the powers that be in the Pac-12 thought they just hired a walking cash machine.
Who knows? Perhaps if the president’s and the ADs of the artist formerly known as the Pac-12 had a bit more patience, Kliavkoff’s plan for a cash-cow media deal fueled by conference expansion could have come to fruition. The problem is patience was the first casualty of the volcanic blasts forming the new NIL/Mega-Conference/Mega-Money world of college football, and Commissioner Nero Kliavkoff spent too much time patting himself on the back for things he had nothing to do with.
In other words, Kliavkoff made the same mistake as his predecessor. He thought could sell a few more years of the “Wimpy” approach, but the presidents and ADs weren’t waiting for Tuesday when they could get paid today.
As for the poor schlub security guard who took down Adam Hadwin at the Canadian Open, I don’t know the man. I don’t know his name, and even if I did, I wouldn’t reveal it here. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for the guy. Who knows; he might be actually be pretty damn good at his job. I’d bet he probably is which is why he drew such high-profile duty. But sometimes it only takes one fuck-up (especially if it’s on national television) to cost you big-time.
Previous Winner: Robert Sarver, former owner of the National Basketball Association’s (NBA) Phoenix Suns
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
- Winner: Jerry Recco, WFAN (New York City) Radio (nominated by Looking for that Big Penix*)
- Honorable Mention: The kid with the Angel Hernandez costume (nominated by Bodhisattva)
Even though it would make him a chunk of pastrami in a world of barbecue, New York sports radio dude Jerry Recco must secretly be a Texan. His fandom of the Dallas Cowboys is no secret, and of all the people prognosticating baseball ahead of this past season, Recco was the only one to put his money on the Texas Rangers. Even our own Boyd Bergquist missed that call.
* – The person who nominated Recco insisted we make it known that if there had been video of his “golf ball to the face” incident, he would have submitted Recco’s name for the Gruesome Injury award.
Speaking of missed calls, I can’t say with certitude that Angel Hernandez is the worst umpire on the planet. I mean, we could fish out an Amazonian tribesman who never ever heard of civilization (let alone baseball) and he probably would be worse…probably.
Either way, this kid didn’t miss the call. Somewhere out there, somebody should be credited with a major parenting win.
Previous Winner: Rex Ryan, ESPN Football Analyst
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
- Co-Winners: The New York Mets and The New York Yankees (nominated by The Unknown Blogger)
- Honorable Mention: USWNT Soccer (nominated by Why The Hell Was I Watching That?)
The Unknown Blogger is an old friend and occasional contributor here at Dubsism. As a life long New Yorker and former member of the sports media, he’s never been short of opinions. But because nobody turns a phrase quite like he does, here’s his nomination verbatim.
Who knew this New York baseball season would be one big kick in the balls, from Edwin Diaz’ knee on down to Aaron Judge’s fucking big toe? Both teams fell apart after those things happened, but at least with the Mets, it came before the season started, which saved us all from a spring full of over-hype before the Mets do what the Mets usually do.
Actually. that the funniest part of this shit. By now, Mets’ fans should used to that team choking on their own dicks. “Worst team money can buy!?” Do you all remember that shit? The fact they are still paying Bobby fucking Bonilla is just one of the thousands of things that define this ass-fucked franchise.
I take that back. The funniest thing in all of this was listening to Yankees’ fans bitch about their “end of the world problems.” You would have thought they found chunks of Girl Scouts in Derek Jeter’s freezer they way they whined about a team that still finished above .500!
If these two teams were teen-age boys, the Yankees are the guy bitching about how fat his girlfriend is, while the Mets are the kid who’s so lonely he’s carrying a picture of his right hand in his wallet.
~ The Unknown Blogger
As far as the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team is concerned…well, when we first saw this nomination, the prevailing opinion within the Dubsism Nomination Committee was “Who cares?”
But then the logic grabbed us. Not only did that team expect to win the Women’s World Cup, they expected it to be easy. Oddly enough, what kept this nomination from being considered for the “Epic Fail” award was the fact that their complete face-plant actually marked a massive stride forward in terms of equality. By getting a significant payday then completely failing to deliver, these women joined the ranks of countless male athletes who did exactly that same thing. The winners in this category contain plenty of examples. Discuss Giancarlo Stanton, Max Scherzer, and/or Justin Verlander amongst yourselves
Previous Winner: The Indianapolis Colts
The Clinton–Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
- Winner: WWE Legend Ted DiBiase, Sr. (nominated by The Duke of Dubuque)
- Honorable Mention: Alisha Lehman (nominated by Bay Area Bae)
The story of the Mississippi welfare fraud case has been mentioned before, thanks to NFL Hall-of-Famer Brett Favre’s involvement. But now there’s another “high-profile” figure from the sports world who has been implicated in this mess.
There was a time when the Ted “Million Dollar Man” DiBiase, Sr. was one of the most-recognizable faces in the world of pro wrestling. Now, he’s yet another defendant in this ever-deepening mess, largely thanks to another ex-wrestler…his son Ted DiBiase, Jr.
Former WWE wrestler Ted DiBiase Jr. has been charged for his involvement in the largest corruption case in the history of Mississippi. The entire welfare scandal is about the misappropriation of roughly $77 million intended for low-income families in the poorest state in the nation…
…DiBiase’s brother, Brett, and father, Ted DiBiase Sr., were also allegedly involved. After a federal audit was completed, DiBiase was asked to return $3.9 million, while his father was ordered to pay $722,299.
~CBS Sports
That begs a question. If DiBiase, Sr. has to pay back $722,299, do we then have to call him the “$277, 701 Man?”
Our honorable mention needs little explanation. An “OnlyFans”-type adult subscription site offered the Swiss footballer $100,000 if she would set up an account on it where she could “post training photos, ‘thirst traps,’ and personally field questions.” She declined the offer, thus remaining “covered up.”
Previous Winner: The Russian Anti-Doping Agency (RUSADA)
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
- Winner: Antonio Brown, Former Owner, Albany Empire. National Arena League (nominated by Kojak Off)
- Honorable Mention: Amit Patel, former Jacksonville Jaguars’ employee (nominated by New York Dave)
First off, let’s just get this part out of the way…yes, we’re talking about that Antonio Brown. The very same ex-wide receiver known more for his completely fucked in the head mercurial nature from his outdated, ill-fitting helmet down to his frost-bitten feet decided to try his hand as the owner of an arena football team. You can guess how that went; it’s good when the headlines mention your name and the word “Disaster” in the same breath.
…Brown made bad decisions (including insisting that the team practice in Albany, which carried a $1.5 million workers compensation tab), Brown didn’t pay bills, and Brown made idle threats to those who challenged him…
~ NBC Sports
In the case of Amit Patel, one of the biggest problems every company faces is employee theft. It’s thing when you have supermarket cashiers boosting a candy bar here and there, but it’s entirely another when you have somebody with access to major accounts catch a case of “sticky fingers.”
That’s what happened to the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a million-dollar lifestyle…unless you’re like Patel and too cheap to use your money to finance it. The following statement issued by the team covers all the bases, but the sentence in bold is exceptionally-telling.
“We can confirm that in February 2023, the team terminated the employment of the individual named in the filing,” the Jaguars said in a statement. “Over the past several months we have cooperated fully with the FBI and the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Middle District of Florida during their investigation and thank them for their efforts in this case. As was made clear in the charges, this individual was a former manager of financial planning and analysis who took advantage of his trusted position to covertly and intentionally commit significant fraudulent financial activity at the team’s expense for personal benefit. This individual had no access to confidential football strategy, personnel or other football information. The team engaged experienced law and accounting firms to conduct a comprehensive independent review, which concluded that no other team employees were involved in or aware of his criminal activity.”
~ CBS Sports
When translated, that bolded line basically says “While this asshole stole a lot of money from us, he didn’t take what looked like a sure-fire play-off spot. We screwed ourselves out of that.”
Previous Winner: Brett Favre, NFL Hall-of-Famer
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
- Winner: Frank Reich, former Head Coach, Carolina Panthers (nominated by I’m Afraid To Tell You I’m A Colts Fan)
- Honorable Mention: Wally, the Emotional Support Alligator (nominated by Jersey Mic)
Given what been going on in Carolina the past few years, it’s pretty clear the NFL has another oddball owner who just can’t control his impulses. Sadly, Frank Reich has now worked for two of them.
Reich’s case is a cautionary tale about the grass and it’s relative level of “green” in it’s proximity to the fence. Reich had to think it was a bit of a blessing getting fired in Indianapolis by the Colts’ flaky owner Jim Irsay. I wonder how long Reich was in Charlotte before he figured Panthers’ owner David Tepper must have had the grass painted.
For another fitting cliché, Reich didn’t go from the frying pan to the fire; he went from fire to even more fire. Tepper fired his new coach only 11 games into his tenure, largely because of his inability to wave a magic wand. Under Tepper, the Carolina Panthers have gone from a perennial play-off squad to a franchise that looks to have a lot of early draft picks…unless they trade them for a guy who will never be an NFL quarterback…
This makes Reich the first NFL coach since the 1970 merger with the AFL to be fired in consecutive seasons. Considering who he was fired by, he should wear that as a badge of honor; he can honestly say he’s served two of the worst owners this league has to offer.
Meanwhile, the honorable mention really feels like it could be in a “only in Philadelphia” category all it’s own. First of all, did you know there was such a thing as an “emotional support alligator?” Second of all, what kind of support can a man-eating modern dinosaur possibly offer?
Besides, can there be a large reptile more supportive than the crocodiles in Live and Let Die?
Previous Winner: Ryan Goble, PGA Caddy
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
- Winner: This Purdue Fan (nominated by You Boiler, You Brought Her)
- Honorable Mention: The South Korean National Baseball Team (nominated by The Kid In The Hall)
It’s been a rough few years to be a Purdue hoops fan. Nothing will drive you crazier as a sports fan than having a really good team the can’t help but piss down their leg come play-off time…you know…how Dallas Cowboys’ fans have felt for the better part of the last three decades. So I can’t blame this guy for for boozing it extra hard.
Besides, he’s at one of those November “off-shore” tournaments in Hawaii. Not only is that a reason for heavy drinking anyway, but this is when the Boilers beat three ranked teams in three days. Nothing will make you thirstier than a season in which your team needs to prove they can win when it matters, then ballooning the expectations with consecutive wins over perennial Gonzaga, Tennessee, and Marquette.
Apparently, there was much dishonor in the case of our honorable mention. During the World Baseball Classic, several members of the South Korean team were disciplined for drinking while they were in Tokyo. I understand cultural differences and all that sort of stuff, but let’s be honest…baseball players drink. Maybe that’s why the Koreans can only win in Little League.
Previous Winner: Geno Smith, Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
- Winner: Quinshon Judkins, Running Back, University of Mississippi (nominated by LSUcks)
- Honorable Mention: NaJee Thompson, Cornerback, Minnesota Vikings (nominated by Vic the Viking)
Of all the thousands of nominations we received, we were amazed to get these two…which are really just variants of the same theme.
But when it came right down to it, we felt the “half-and-half pizza” approach of Quinshon Judkins was just a bit bolder than NaJee Thompson’s “movie theater Snow Cap.”
Previous Winner: River Radamus, Team USA Alpine Skiing
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
- Winner: Ondrej Satoria, Czech
ElectricianPitcher (nominated by Boyd Bergquist) - Honorable Mention: The “UberDoorGrubEats Guy” during a Duquesne basketball game (nominated by Curvy in Altoona)
Be they winner or honorable mention, both nominees in this category are clearly those guys who are just better at life than you or me. As you read this, they have a perfect representative circulating the InstaTubeTok world.
In America, it doesn’t matter whether you live in a “Red” or “Blue” state, guys like this are everywhere. For every guy who hits big in the world of “big-time” sports, there’s a ton of “Winston T-Shirt” wearing dudes who reek the “stud musk” of winners, even if it’s contained within the quasi-uniquely American realm of red necks and blue collars.
I say “quasi-” because every “red/blue” white guy in ‘Murica got kicked out of emigrated from Europe, which explains the “Old World” nature of this year’s winner.
Baseball is woven into American culture, which in ways many don’t understand is intrinsic to it’s greatness. With every single pitch, baseball is about opportunity. Despite what it’s leadership has been doing to it for the last 30 years, America is still the land of opportunity…even if this year’s best example came from two distinctly not American guys playing America’s past-time.
America, meet Ondrej Satoria, a man who works as an electrician…except for a month last spring when he owned the man who is arguably the biggest star in the game.
Satoria’s amateur status did not matter much when he faced [Shohei] Ohtani on Saturday. The 26-year-old got the Los Angeles Angels star to ground out in the first inning and struck him out in the third — probably becoming the world’s most famous electrician in the process.
~ Japan Times
Beyond that, there simply aren’t many people more opportunistic than the classic prankster. That opportunity came during a Loyola-Chicago – Duquesne basketball game when our prankster strolled onto the court pretending to be delivering a McDonald’s order. Duquesne University clearly wound up with Egg McMuffin on it’s face…nothing says “security issues” quite like a guy with a combo meal strolling into the midst of a live game. That was obvious when they finally had to admit what we all knew; they got punked.
Either way, you know both of these opportunists celebrated their “Fifteen Minutes” leaning hard into a bar rail.
After all, neither one is playing for the South Korean baseball team.
Previous Winner: Zach Wilson, Quarterback, New York Jets
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement
- Winner: Cooper Mumford, Offensive Lineman, Colorado Mesa University (nominated by Nacogdoches Nachos)
- Honorable Mention: Jolien Boumkwo, Belgian Shot-Putter (nominated by The Frackers)
Every football fan has seen the “tackle-eligible” play where one of the big men up front gets a moment of glory catching a touchdown pass. But’ when’s the last time you saw an offensive lineman throw the score?
The CMU Athletics website had all the details…
SAN DIEGO — A freshman lineman threw a touchdown pass that went viral, the offense utilized its big-play capability and the defense made a game-winning stand in overtime Saturday to propel Colorado Mesa to a thrilling 28-21 victory over the University of San Diego. It was the Mavericks’ first victory over an NCAA Division I FCS team since Sept. 8, 2001, when they upended Southern Utah 13-10…
…On the first play of the second quarter, Herberg came in for Richardson at quarterback, and at the 9 yard-line, handed off to Gianni Hurd. The Mavs’ running back was immediately hit as he was trying to pitch the ball to Edwards on an end-around, and the ball hit the ground. Left tackle Cooper Mumford picked up the ball and ran a few steps to his left, then stopped and tossed a pass to a wide-open Brown, who caught the ball at the 5 and ran into the end zone for the touchdown with 14:51 on the clock…
…”They made a heck of a play and then just a heads-up play by Mumford to pick it up and continue to play football,” [head coach Miles] Kochevar said of the 6-foot-4, 275-pound freshman lineman from Highland, Utah, playing in only his second college game.
But that’s not the only example of a big person stepping up big-time as a “team player.” At this past summer’s European Athletics Team Championships held in Chorzów, Poland, the Belgian team had a problem.
Anne Zagre, Belgium’s specialist in the 100-meter hurdles was injured and there was no other hurdler available to run her race. Due to the event’s rules, if nobody ran in Zagre’s place, the team would be disqualified from advancing in the meet. To keep the team alive in the meet, Boumkwo offered to run. She didn’t have to win…all she had to do was finish to keep the Belgians from being eliminated.
She may have simply stepped over the hurdles, and she may have clocked in nearly 20 full seconds behind the winner, but she finished.
Previous Winner: “Hawk,” Kicking Tee Retriever, University of Houston
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
- Winner: LeBron James, Forward, Los Angeles Lakers (nominated by Land O’ 10,000 Lakers)
- Honorable Mention: Jason Peters, Offensive Lineman, Seattle Seahawks (nominated by Hugh Jass)
It’s no secret that my fandom of the Los Angeles Lakers goes back to the days of Elgin Baylor and Jerry “The Logo” West. It’s also no secret that I simply can’t say the same for LeBron James. Despite that, I have to give credit where credit is due. The fact that he’s at the top of his game at age 39 in the National Basketball Association (NBA) where the average player is only 26 is nothing short of phenomenal.
Having said that, don’t be the guy who tries to drag me into that shop-worn “greatest of all-time” debate. There’s an inherent level of silliness in all such arguments, especially since it’s obvious that a major contributing factor to his his longevity is the era in which he plays. He would never have survived the 1980s.
On a similar scale, while the National Football League (NFL) is also not the same orgy of carnage it was back in the day, it’s still a sport of armor-plated leviathans rearranging each other’s innards at lung-deflating speeds. That’s why we have to give a nod to should-be-a-future-Hall of Fame offensive tackle Jason Peters. Just getting onto the field for a seeming “last hurrah” at 41 years old, let alone dishing out hefty helpings of O-line justice to another league full of 20-somethings should be applauded.
Previous Winner: Ednei Caminhas, Professional Bull Rider
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
- Winner: DeMarcus Ware, NFL Hall-of-Famer (nominated by Roll Tide Pods)
- Honorable Mention: The University of South Dakota (nominated by Radar O’Malley)
Our winner needs little description. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then the verbal value of the following video should only be calculated in words which should have not been sung by a former defensive lineman.
The University of South Dakota offered the first computer science department in the “Mount Rushmore State.” However, they must not understand the concept of “strong passwords.”
A number of North Dakota State football fans had their tickets to the Bison’s FCS quarterfinals matchup against South Dakota canceled due to acquiring them in amusing fashion.
NDSU fans bought tickets to the matchup, scheduled for Saturday in Vermillion, S.D., on the South Dakota website by guessing the password “playoffs,” Jeff Kolpack of The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead reported Tuesday.
The eight-letter password, originally intended for South Dakota season-ticket holders and booster club members only, spread like wildfire across NDSU message boards.
~ Sports Illustrated
Shit like this is why we all have to change our passwords to indecipherable character strings resembling cartoon profanity…which is what we all utter when we can’t %@#$^&! remember them.
Then you can only hope the guy answering the phone at the IT Help Desk isn’t a South Dakota alum.
Previous Winner: CBS Sports
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
- Winner: Nick Chubb, Running Back, Cleveland Browns (nominated by Mountain Ear)
- Honorable Mention: Jeff Traylor, Head Football Coach, University of Texas-San Antonio (nominated by Houston, We Have A Problem)
In the previous category, there was a discussion about the old adage about pictures being worth a thousand words. It’s entirely possible that when it comes to this award’s winner, the unit of measure may need to be barf bags.
You’ve been warned…
Our “Honorable Mention” takes us from the grotesque to the somewhat hilarious.
SAN ANTONIO – UTSA football coach Jeff Traylor had his finger smashed by a rat trap after a motivational ploy went awry following the Roadrunners’ 36-10 win over Florida Atlantic this past weekend.
Traylor had the coaching staff place more than 100 rat traps inside the players’ lockers, as a way to emphasize to the players to not get caught up with outside noise.
The traps were supposed to be used as a metaphor, with the meaning: “Don’t eat the cheese.”
One of his players, however, re-loaded a trap, placing it where Traylor speaks to the team. The player has not been identified.
“We passed out 112 of them. We unloaded all of them, but one of my smart aleck seniors loaded his back up and put it up on the podium where I speak to the kids. I put my hand down. It looks like my pinky got smashed by a hammer,” Traylor said. “It would’ve killed a lesser man, but I’m okay.”
~ KSAT.com
At least Traylor has a sense of humor about how smashing one’s one finger in one’s own rat trap is far more Wile E. Coyote than UTSA’s own mascot…the Roadrunners.
Previous Winner: Remi Lindholm, Finnish Cross-Country Skier
The Dick Vermeil Award For Great Moments in Crying
- Winner: Nick Sirianni, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles (nominated by Seriously, Football Sucks)
- Honorable Mention: Brandon Woodruff, Pitcher, Milwaukee Brewers (nominated by My Name Really is Jim Gantner)
From this year’s Super Bowl to last year’s, and from one Philadelphia Eagles’ coach to another, it certainly seems that crying could be a “City of Brotherly Love” thing. In this case, it was the National Anthem which brought Nick Sirianni to full “waterworks” mode (cue the video to the 1:59 mark for the full display.)
A common thread linking all top-end competitors in any sport is the dedication and commitment to be there when it matters. That’s why we can understand Brandon Woodruff’s frustration upon learning a shoulder injury would keep him from pitching in the play-offs.
On the plus side, that shoulder may just be his ticket out of Milwaukee…and that’s cause for tears of joy.
Previous Winner: Dick Vermeil, NFL Hall-of-Fame Coach
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Ron Gardenhire, former Major League Baseball manager (nominated by the Dubsism Nomination Committee)
Every year, we present this award to somebody who has had a long career, but never captured a championship. That’s why it’s named in honor of Gene Mauch, a man who managed four baseball teams to a total of 1,902 major league wins…good enough to sandwich him in between Hall-of-Fame skippers Bill McKecknie and Casey Stengel. The problem is Mauch is more known for his failures.
Much like Mauch, this year’s winner also spent time at the helm of the Minnesota Twins. Now, to be fair, Gardenhire inherited a team which was on the rise, and he led that team to 90-plus wins in four of his first five seasons. To that end, Gardenhire took the Twins to the post-season six times in his thirteen seasons skippering the club.
The problem is all that summer success did not translate to October. For the last two decades, the Minnesota Twins have become legendary for their post-season futility, and that tradition started under Gardenhire. Out of six trips to the play-offs, Gardenhire’s Twins notched a single series win; a 3-2 American League Division Series win over the perpetually-fraudulent “Moneyball” Oakland A’s in 2022 The Twins did not win another post-season series until 2023.
Despite that crushing lack of post-season success, “Gardy” was still was a well-respected man in baseball circles…much like Gene Mauch himself. Not only did they both get teams into the play-offs multiple times, and not only did they have some epic October failures; on several occasions they didn’t wait for the autumn leaves to showcase their futility. Both men skippered more than their fair share of 90-plus loss teams…including Gardenhire’s historically bad 2019 Detroit Tigers’ squad which finished 47-114.
Previous Winner: Gene Keady, former Head Basketball Coach, Purdue University
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Sorry I missed this year’s nominations. I’m a bad friend.
Just out of curiosity, how many times has Nick Chubb won the gruesome injury award and can we pray that he doesn’t try for a three-peat, not only because we’d have to pay Pat Riley royalties on the term.
Re: that Jags clusterfuck, if I told you that they’d invented the whole embezzling story to take fans’ minds off how the team collapsed, you’d almost believe it. Like anyone would want to steal their “strategy” or “football-related information.” Puh-leeze.
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