Teams That Grind My Gears: The Michigan Wolverines
Let’s be honest…it is only the presence of Ohio State that keeps Michigan from being the biggest collection of perennially over-rated douchebags in the Big Eleven Ten. Llllloyd Carr got fired at Mi-shit-gan because of his five “Ls” against the Suckeyes. John Cooper got fired from Ohio State a few years back for the same reason; the inability to win this rivalry game.
From an outsider’s perspective, Ohio and Michigan aren’t that different. Both are Midwestern states mired in a dismal economy and weather that can only be worse if you are in Buffalo or Siberia. Both are relatively uninteresting in terms of topography and are populated largely by the dregs of society. Both built enormous stadia to house some of the least-behaved and most idiotic fans in all of college football. In fact, both sides get so wrapped up in their self-absorbed rivalry they forget there are legions of people who despise both of them. There are many people who would love to see an airliner packed with explosives take out the stadium during a Mi-shit-gan/Ohio State game. But since I’ve already made my thoughts on the Ohio State Penitentiary University known, it is time to concentrate on Mi-shit-gan.
Despite the self-defeating nature of suicide, sometimes your only hope is to play for a tie.
First of all, do you know what a Wolverine really is? In reality, it is a cross between a small bear and a large skunk. While known to be strong for its size; a wolverine possesses powerful jaws, sharp claws, and a thick hide; this mustelid is also not known for its intellect. Wolverines have been known to provoke confrontations, and then be killed by much larger predators, such as bears and mountain lions. It is also worth noting Mi-shit-gan selected this obnoxious, glorified rodent as its mascot despite the fact that most biologists agree a wolverine hasn’t been spotted in the state in nearly 200 years.
That sort of intelligence gets mirrored by some of the mental pygmies that have worn Wolvie colors in the past. There’s Desmond Howard and his exceptionally self-serving “Heisman” pose. There’s Charles Woodson, an Ohio native, who not only left the Suckeyes at the altar, then did nothing but get in brawls with Ohio State players (not the least of which was the shit-hammering he got at the hands of David Boston). There’s arguably the greatest Wolvie of them all, offensive lineman Dan Dierdorf who loves to regale tales of his first time playing center in the NFL, forgetting the quarterback was in the “shotgun” formation, then crumpling to the turf after having rocketed the ball into his own testicles.
But to understand how that kind of stupidity can be blended with the arrogance of Mi-shit-gan, all one needs to do is look at a typical Wolvie fan. The university fancies itself as being top-notch, yet it is just another Midwestern land-grant school awash in backwards baseball caps and cheap beer. Of course, it is that delusion that explains the 500-level douche-itude oozing from every pore of its fans.
The Origins of Douchebaggery – The Ostracized Michigan Kid.
That air of false superiority coming from some mouthy little shithead in a maize and blue sweatshirt is exactly why I hate Mi-shit-gan. The typical Mi-shit-gan fan is some little fucker who thinks he belongs in a GQ catalog, and who has the false belief that his daddy’s money will keep me from leaving the little bastard gurgling in a pool of his own blood after I’ve stomped his face into an unrecognizable pile of low-grade dog food.
This is really why Rich Rodriguez is the perfect head coach for this shitbag team. Here’s a guy that built a reputation for exceptional mediocrity leading to a level of over-rating not seen since Sports Illustrated trumpeted Oregon State as the best team in the nation in 2001. Much like the Wolvies, he has an incredibly undeserved reputation for being a “winner;” really all he has ever accomplished is a history of getting players of questionable backgrounds, and building teams that may occasionally surprise, but usually fall short of their overblown expectations.
So, here’s to you, Mr. Mi-shit-gan fan. I hope you enjoy the next few years of cheering for a 3-9 team.
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