What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Open Letter to Minnesota Viking Fans: Get a Better Fantasy Quarterback

First of all, I don’t mean that kind of fanstasy quarterback.  I mean fantasy in its traditional sense, as in not real. Ever since Brett Favre hit Minnesota, Viking fans have been having a fantasy that this aged wonder will lead them  to the championship they so desperately crave. It’s not going to happen; there’s ten years of reasons why it’s not going to happen.

So, Viking fans, if you are going to live with a fantasy quarterback, at least get one that can do something for your pathetic purple pussies. Here’s a few suggestions to get you started.

David Greene: “School Ties”


I’m not going to say it is harder being a Jewish quarterback in a school full of anti-semites than it is being an deep southerner in West Scandinavia, but is sure as shit can’t be easy. Despite this, Greene doesn’t let this get in the way of victory. Unlike Favre, the great ones always find a way to win.

George Plimpton: “Paper Lion”


For those of you too young to remember, George Plimpton was an Ivy League-educated author who had a fetish for trying to walk a mile in the cleats of real athletes. If you are one of those to young to remember, you are going to watch Paper Lion and spend that two hours wondering why  “Hawkeye” Pierce is playing quarterback. More importantly, Alan Alda’s tremendous performance as a completely inept quarterback still makes you believe an egghead writer has a better shot at winning a Super Bowl than a geriatric hillbilly.

Jonathan Moxon: “Varsity Blues”


This is what happens when the aforementioned Ivy League intellect meets high-school gridiron hero. The Mox could hit a post-pattern under pressure and he got to hit Amy Smart; two things Favre has yet to do.

Willie Beamen: “Any Given Sunday”


On his sojourn from the depths of the bench to superstar, Steamin’ Beamen goes from channeling Terrell Owens to becoming a team player. King Brett I could stand to learn this lesson, but he never will. Unless of course he actually shows up at training camp.

Seth Maxwell: “North Dallas Forty”


Maxwell was a movie version of Don Meredith, a good ol’ boy who knew how to lead a football team through the debauchery of Saturday night and the drudgery of Sunday afternoon. In other words, he’s forgotten more about what it takes to be a winning quarterback than Favre will ever know.

Paul Crewe: “The Longest Yard”


First of all, there is only ONE Paul Crewe. Burt Reynolds is the only person I will ever acknowledge as the quarterback of the Mean Machine. Adam Sandler deserves to be duct-taped, thrown into a prison shower and raped within an inch his exceptionally useless life. Only a man like Reynolds has the panache to play the ex-football star who finds himself behind bars. That’s the same charisma needed to mold a motley crew of convicts into the most feared team ever assembled. In contrast, Favre couldn’t muster up the stones to lead the Mickey Mouse Club.

Paul Blake: “Necessary Roughness”


If you are going to get a 40-year old with a rocket arm, Paul Blake is your man. When the Texas State Armadillos needed a quarterback, Blake stepped up to lead a team that couldn’t hand out scholarships due to NCAA sanctions. Not only did he manage to lead this team of walk-ons to upsetting the #1 Texas Colts, he also serviced his hot blond professor. That’s a big win-win, which is two more big wins that Brett Favre has pulled off in over a decade.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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This entry was posted on April 14, 2010 by in NFL and tagged , , , , , , .

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