What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

This Week in Silly Arrests

Remember the good old days when the arrest of a sports figure brought lurid tales of sex and/or drugs, or at least a slow-speed Bronco chase? Well, today’s athletes clearly lack that sort of panache when it comes to making the police blotter. In fact, this past week has shown us they’ve become downright lame.

First, we have a tale of a college basketball coach who got fired essentially because he was a prick. Granted, Seton Hall has a history of hiring asshole basketball coaches (P.J. Carlesimo anyone?), but at least P.J. won. Oh, and he wasn’t a kleptomaniac.  Seems Bobby Gonzalez thought a good way to soothe his shattered psyche after getting canned by Seton Hall was to get arrested for shoplifting. Did the out of work coach get pinched purloining sirloin to feed his starving family? Not exactly. Gonzalez stands accused of swiping a $1,395 Ralph Lauren Polo man-purse. There’s just so many possibilities here my skull wants to explode just thinking about it, so insert your own witticisms here.

Speaking of exploding, did you know there is such a thing as Major League Eating? Apparently, it is the official sanctioning body for those contests you see where a bunch of guys eat their own weight in hot dogs or some other healthy cuisine. It also seems that if you aren’t on the official list of competitors, you get to be like me, just another fat guy in Wienerschnitzel’s drive-thru.

Enter Kobayashi, who did for hot-dog eating what Ichiro did for baseball.  Every year, Nathan’s Hot Dogs sponsors a Major League Eating event every 4th of July at Coney Island. Kobayashi was not on the list of competitors for this years’ event due to a contract squabble with MLE.  With his longtime nemesis absent, Joey Chestnut, the pride of American gluttony, digested 54 dogs for his fourth consecutive victory. However, Kobayashi felt it necessary to steal Chestnut’s moment. In a stunt that smacks of being staged, Kobayashi stormed the “playing field” immediately after the competition, at which point security promptly slapped the cuffs on Kobayashi for trespassing, resisting arrest, and obstructing governmental administration (whatever that means).

Normally, you only see the words “eating” and “arrest” in the same story if said story also contains the phrase “massive cardiac event. But thanks to the good people at the University of Georgia, you get a double-dip of possible eating-related arrests. This is where we pick up the not-all-that-unusual-yet-still-embarrassing story of former Bulldog Athletic Director Damon Evans, who resigned his position after his recent arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol. Being in such a scrape is shame-worthy enough, but when it comes to light that you were arrested with a woman in your car who wasn’t your wife and that her red panties were in your lap at the time you were pulled over by police, you know that there is going to be more trouble than just the law can bring.

Sure, guys get drunk and cheat on their wives all the time, but here’s what makes this story truly noteworthy. Somehow, in the process of being arrested, the aforementioned red panties went missing. Nobody knows where they went, but we all know a favorite means of getting rid of evidence.


Sadder still for Bulldog fans is Evans’ DUI bust is not the only goofy arrest story coming from Athens this week. It seems the University of Georgia police believe that everybody, even the obvious idiot football players the Bulldogs recruit should know their middle name. This is what led to the Monday arrest of Bulldogs safety Jordan Love:

Love, 19, was charged with misdemeanor obstruction, but he did not willingly try to deceive the officer, who was investigating a complaint that men were shooting off fireworks in the courtyard of McWhorter Hall, Williamson said.

“Mr. Love gave his first and last name, but he said he didn’t know his middle name, then said he kind of knew it, but didn’t know how to spell it,” Williamson said.

Never mind the clear and present danger posed by those with only two known names. Ask yourself how does Georgia rate two odd arrests in the span of a week. It probably is because the police records at UGA are a veritable cavalcade of oddity, as you can get arrested in Athens for “passing on the right in a moped”emerging illegally from an alley”, and of course, panty-eating.

If these weren’t lame enough, even this week’s big drug arrest had no flair. This wasn’t Tony Montana going out in a blaze of “say hello to my little friend” glory; rather this was a fat-hump of draft-bust quarterback getting busted for cough syrup. That’s right, fucking cough syrup.

Cough Syrup: Scourge of Mankind.

MOBILE, Ala. — Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested today and accused of possession of a controlled substance, according to the Mobile County Sheriff’s Office.  The substance was codeine syrup, spokeswoman Lori Myles said.  Myles said Russell was arrested at his home early this afternoon during an undercover investigation.  Police did not find a prescription for the codeine during their search, Myles said.

Let me get this straight. Not only can a guy get arrested for cough syrup, but there’s an undercover investigation to track it down. They must not have things like heroin and methamphetamine in Mobile, which is good. But this is also why a cop show based in Mobile would have to be infinitely boring.

There was no word on whether Russell was storing the illicit purple stuff in a stolen man-purse.

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What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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