Teams That Grind My Gears: The Chicago White Sox
Now that the race in the American League Central is all but over, it is really time to eulogize the White Sox; by “eulogize” I mean point out why the White Sux are really one of the most irritating franchises in all of sports.
Let’s face it. White Sox fans even by their very existence make the world a worse place. There’s a reason why crap like “Disco Demolition Night” could only happen on the south side of Chicago. It’s the same reason why it was White Sox fans who thought it would be a good idea to jump a first base coach for no real reason. This, of course, is not an isolated incident (again, and again). It’s all just more proof that Chicago would be the worst city in America if we didn’t already have New Orleans and Detroit.
Really, that fact explains a lot about the White Sux. They really are just a manifestation of the shithole which bore them. Not only are they and their fans the steerage-class rabble of major league baseball, but more often than not this franchise has proven to be an infected hemmorhoid in baseball’s rectum. Let’s not forget the whole reason why baseball has a commissioner is because the White Sox nearly destroyed the integrity of the game in 1919. Let’s not forget legendary White Sox owner Charles Comiskey played a major role in the “Gentlemen’s Agreement” that kept blacks out of baseball. And let’s not forget that Comiskey pioneered the “miserly asshole” model of ownership which was later perfected by Charlie O. Finley, another Chicagoan.
Even if history isn’t your bag, there’s plenty of reasons to hate the White Sox today; current owner Jerry Reinsdorf is reason enough alone. Reinsdorf is the kind of guy who in the 90’s led the charge against escalating player salaries while in the same breath giving Albert Belle baseball’s first ten million dollar per year contract. It’s pretty bad when I have to give a talking colostomy bag like Jay Mariotti credit for having a valid point against Reinsdorf. The valid beef Mariotti has with Reinsdorf’s Sox is that he has built a culture of “yes” men, cheerleaders, and general sycophants headed by buttloafs like “Hawk” Harrelson.
Then there’s general manager Kenny Williams. You’ve got to love a guy who is an unquestioned ass-kisser, yet has absolutely no loyalty. He’s made it known he would be on the first plane out of town if his dream job called. Now, I understand having a “dream job;” I’ve left more than one shitty job in my life. But I never made it a point to advertise it.
Kenny Williams would leave Jerry Reinsdorf and the White Sox to work for Al Davis, if he were offered a job running the Oakland Raiders. Williams tells Sports Illustrated’s Joe Posnanski that, yes, the lure of the Silver and Black is greater than that of the Black and White. “I love what I do, and I love where I am,” the White Sox general manager said. “But if the Oakland Raiders called tomorrow and asked me to run the team, I would go. I would do it.”
I believe somebody’s dream job says a lot about them. But when Williams says he wants to work for the Oakland Raiders, the most dysfunctional organization in sports, I can’t tell whether that means Williams is crazy or if Jerry Reinsdorf is such a colossal prick he makes Al Davis look good.
And that leaves us with Ozzie Guillen. Honestly, Ozzie is the least offensive thing about the White Sox. The fact that he brought a World Series Championship to the south side is likely what has kept him from being fired for the five years of failure since that title. After all, the Reinsdorf world is one the requires unbridled ass-kissing, and Ozzie far from the guy who can toe the “company line.” Guillen has been sent off to “sensitivity training,” been fined and reprimanded multiple times for things he has said. He’s questioned a writer’s sexual preference, called Dustin Pedroia a “goddamn jockey,” and is just generally known for his profanity-filled tirades.
Alas, at the end of the day, Guillen still shows what is wrong with the White Sox. The photo above is a perfect microcosm of the stupid hypocrisy that defines the south side of Chicago…if you are going to call somebody a “fag,” don’t get caught playing tonsil hockey with a dude.
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