Today’s Desperation Breakdown: Yankees Sign Mark Prior
Sure, I know it is only to a minor-league deal, but let’s be honest, the Yankees are acting like a guy who just got dumped. Worse yet, it isn’t that everyday, garden-variety dumping, it is that uber-bad kind where a guy gets dumped by a woman who barreled into his “this is the one” zone and then jerked the rug out from under him.
Face it guys. If you don’t know a guy who has gone through this, you didn’t see the signs. Have you seen a guy who after a dumping spent hours at home alone drinking store-brand chocolate milk and staring blankly at the Weather Channel, thinking even life under a tornado outbreak in Missouri would be better than the shattered, empty existence he now faces? Have you ever seen a guy who after a dumping is now inexplicably dating fat and/or crazy chicks just because it means not being alone? Have you ever seen a guy who after a dumping reeks of such desperation that his social life becomes an ever deepening bomb crater of emotional need? If you have never seen that guy, you may be that guy; ever group has one. Now, Major League Baseball has the Yankees.
Now that the Bronx Bombers got the heave from Cliff Lee, they’ve become the guy dating way below his league just to be dating somebody. Why else would a top-flight franchise like the Yankees have even the slightest interest in the exceptionally-finished Mark Prior. Sure, Prior isn’t fat or crazy, but he is the baseball equivalent of the 42-year old divorcee who is still just attractive enough to get Mr. Desperate to hang around just long enough to find out she is a bigger emotional dumpster fire than he is. Stop and think about it…Mark Prior is the guy who can save your rotation from whatever you perceive to be wrong with it? Mark F—ing Prior?
Of course, we all remember Prior as a pure sex-symbol second-overall draft pick for the Cubs before a series of injuries destroyed his career. Remember June of 2003 when he looked like what you would picture a clone-baby of Don Drysdale and J.R. Richard to be? In the eyes of baseball GMs, he was smokin’ hot then, and get this…he still has a career ERA of 3.51, and his fastball velocity is reportedly up into the low-90s. That is the “still just attractive enough” part. However, he hasn’t pitched in the majors since August 2006, and since then, . Since then, he’s had myriad of surgeries and been cast off from the Padres, the Rangers, and some independent league team. This would be the “dumpster fire” part.
Brian Cashman or Hank Steinbrenner…take your chances with eHarmony; your odds are far better finding a major league pitcher there than getting involved with Mark Prior.
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