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An Open Letter to Denver Broncos Fans: Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever REVISITED

kyle orton hof plaque

“Mile High city? I like the sound of that.” ~ Kyle Orton on his trade to Denver

Apparently, I have to dig this article out of the Dubsism archives.  The fact that ESPN just will not leave the whole Orton-Tebow thing alone; in fact they are decidedly trying to inflame a situation that is clearly not a situation means I have no choice but to reprise this article originally posted on August 25th, 2009. Then, as now, the whole point is that Kyle Orton DOES NOT SUCK. To re-inforce that point, I’m simply going to quote myself, with some added (and pointed) commentary.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here, Bronco fans. You don’t have to like the trade that sent Jay Cutler to Chicago and brought the Neckbeard to the Mile High City. You don’t have to like his 3-interception performance in his Denver debut (and even I will admit that left-handed interception against Seattle was powerfully lame).  You don’t even have to like the fact that your team has historically led the league in ugly-ass uniforms. But you have to like Kyle Orton.

OK, Bronco fans…look me in the eye and tell me you would have rather had Jay Cutler after last season.  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Sure, we could sit here and argue about a bunch of statistical stuff, but that isn’t really the point behind why you must like Kyle Orton. Rather, you must understand that Orton is what every moderately-talented and under-ambitious 20-something guy wishes he could be. He has the super-hero like quality to be mediocre yet successful, and most importantly, immune to criticism. Face it, Bronco-maniacs. You will never see Orton curled up in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably over the slings and arrows you may cast. You have to understand that the Neckbeard is born of different stuff than us mere mortals.

You also won’t see Orton pouting on the sidelines, or having his will to play questioned.

In short, he’s living the life you wish you could.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Even if Orton were the complete shitpile of a quarterback you dipshits want to think he is, he is still living a better life than you ever will.

Picture a gray November 1982 in that American Mesopotamia known as Iowa. A baby who will someday become the Neckbeard springs forth genie-like from a party-size jug of Jack Daniel’s. He is raised by an unsuspecting Iowegian family, who don’t realize the young Orton is different until they realize his talent to raise his arm and cast a football a mighty distance. It is an ability that is almost as impressive as his ability to double-fist alcohol in amounts heretofore unseen in those parts (legend has it he once consumed an entire stock dam filled with Grain Belt beer).

The powers given unto young Orton drew the attention of the Tiller-stache, who brought the prodigy to Purdue. Orton walked onto the field, pushed aside whatever slag-heap the Boilermakers were pretending was a starting quarterback, and filled the skies over Ross-Ade stadium with pigskin. When nearly 50% of those balls resulted in positive yardage, and when Orton threw only ten less touchdowns than interceptions, the Neckbeard was born.

kyle orton cartoon

Eventually, the Neckbeard outgrew West Lafayette; moving to the land of the NFL, and he has no idea how. By his own description, Orton awoke at the 2005 NFL Draft next to a crowd of spectators and large black man in a Bears jersey. Dumbfounded by the sudden rush of attention, he cast his road-map eyes into the crowd and said “Forget about Grossman, put your faith in the Neckbeard.”

Oh, here’s a fun little tidbit we overlooked originally…The Bears would have won that Super Bowl against the Colts if Lovie Smith had pulled his head out of his ass and yanked Rex Grossman off the field. Wanna know why? The Bears lost because “Sexy Rexy” coudln’t stop chucking picks; go look at Orton’s career touchdown-to-interception ratio.

He gained fame for his ability at first to out drink the entire Chicago Bears team, then the entire city. His fame only grew when his tales of mass consumption were combined with his exploits with the ladies of Chicago.

kyle orton with blond

Now, Denver, the Neckbeard is all yours.

The whole point of that story is to make Bronco fans understand what they really have. Orton is considered to be one of the most laid-back and mediocre quarterbacks of all time. Orton is considered to be one of the legendary drinkers of our time. He is also noted for his prowess with the ladies, having earned the reputation as a master swordsman, thus ranking him as the greatest athlete in the history of ever.

“Coach, can I get a different helmet? Eddie Royal says the green dot means you're the designated driver.” ~ Orton talking to former Bronco head coach Josh McDaniels

If you are yet unconvinced that Kyle Orton is living your dream life, compare the average day in his life to yours.

A Typical Day at Kyle Orton’s House:

2:00 p.m. – Wake up, smoke a joint

3:00 p.m. – Call buddies, have them grab a couple of cases of beer on their way over to the crib

4:00 p.m. – Smoke another joint and watch Dr. Phil, because seriously that shit is hilarious

5:00 p.m. – Make up some excuses for missing practice

6:00 p.m. – Play Xbox, drink beer, and smoke up with buddies until it is time to go clubbing

9:00 p.m. – Head out to the club, drink enough liquor to float a moderately-sized naval vessel and select chicks for after-hours Neckbeard orgy

2:30 a.m. – Neckbeard orgy

5:00 a.m. – Send chicks home in a cab, smoke a joint, go to sleep

OK, so the only thing that really changed here is sometime during the night, Orton and his boys might pull some sort of prank on Tebow; the guy’s at Domino’s are figuring out that if Tebow orders 50 large pepperonis with extra cheese, its usually a gag.

Now, for the pay-off…

So, Orton makes $3 million dollars a year to play football, and gets to do nothing but drink constantly, hang out with his crew, and nail the sort of chicks over which you could only fondle yourself.  Keep that in mind the next time your nine-dollar-an-hour-overnight-mall-security-guard ass wants to lip off.

UPDATE: 4/23/2010 – Kyle Orton Promoted to God

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

3 comments on “An Open Letter to Denver Broncos Fans: Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever REVISITED

  1. sportsattitudes
    August 3, 2011

    I know ESPN loves to keep Tebow in front of us as there is a tremendous love/hate dynamic there, but I guess since it is an “open competition” for the starter role in Denver…while actively trying to TRADE the starter…well, it does lend itself to some airtime I suppose. I’m starting to wonder about that franchise in the Rockies and what they all are smokin’. The Kyle Orton Boilermaker cover is creepy..yet oddly fascinating.

    Like

  2. tophatal
    August 3, 2011

    Could Kyle Orton be best described as the poor man’s Jay Cutler ?

    And off the beaten path as such did hell freeze over within the last 48 hours as such ? A’s owner Lew Wolff recently issued the public statement ….. saying that Frank McCourt’s ownership of the Dodgers …..has been bad for the game of baseball .

    As I understand it both McCourt and Wolff have done business together as they’re both involved in the arena of commercial real estate .

    Given good ol’ Lew’s aversion to spending money on his team much less being ambitious enough to want to win , I consider that statement rather funny . But then again that’s just me and my thoughts on the matter !

    Bud has to be really proud of both Frank and Lew don’t you think ?

    tophatal …………..

    Like

  3. Sounds like a pretty good gig if you can get it.

    Who the hell does that Tebow kid think he is to move in on K.O.’s action?

    Like

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