Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Great Moments in the History of Dumb Baseball Injuries

A few days ago, San Francisco Giants reliever Jeremy Affeldt had his season end after he sustained a deep cut in his right hand while using a knife to separate frozen hamburger patties. The injury required surgery to repair nerve damage in the little finger of his non-throwing hand. While I’m not intending to poke fun at the suffering of others, it does put me in mind of some of the dumbest ways major-leaguers have  incapacitated themselves. Here is a selection of my personal favorites.

10) Tarps are not Cardinal-friendly

Coleman was doing his usual pre-game warm-up routine before  Game 4 of the 1985 NLCS when he did not notice the automatic tarp had been deployed. As he didn’t see the giant roll of tarp rolling toward him, it rolled over him, breaking a bone in his leg and rendering him unavailable for the rest of the playoffs.

9) If only he had been named Parker Brothers…

It’s no secret Bradley has been the walking definition of anger-management issues, which is the major reason he also defines clubhouse cancer. As such, he has absolutely no ability to control his temper. Once, while in full tantrum while a s a member of the Padres, he was so out of control he blew out his ACL while being restrained by his own manager.  Perhaps if his parents hadn’t named him after a maker of board games…

8 ) Maybe pitchers shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects

If Jeremy Affeldt’s aforementioned kitchen escapades weren’t enough, consider the Padres’ Adam Eaton, who nearly committed hara-kiri with a paring knife while trying to cut the plastic wrapper off a DVD case.

7) Maybe pitchers shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects, Part II

In the early 90’s the Phillies had a trio of tubby moundsmen; David West, Bobby Munoz, and Jeff Juden. However, Juden is the most memorable for purposes of this list for the time he was sidelined due to an infected tattoo.

6) Maybe pitchers simply need keepers

Tigers’ fireballer Joel Zumaya is no stranger to the disabled list, but the one that earns him a place on this list also is likely to happen again.  Zumaya managed to exit himself from the 2006 playoffs by playing Guitar Hero. Guys, we can’t stress this enough, video games are dangerous. Forget about those first-person shooters, Guitar Hero can take your ass out by giving your tendinitis in your forearm when you become obsessed with how many Metallica songs you can play on “expert. ” Just ask Zumaya. Besides, how long will it be before we hear about a guy taking himself out with Wii Bowling?

5) Maybe pitchers just shouldn’t be allowed to touch anything

While the details are sketchy as to exactly how it happened, Florida Marlins reliever Ricky Bones strained his back to the point of landing on the disabled list either by simple watching television in the clubhouse or by changing the channel. Those remotes can be heavy.

4) Lift and Separate

To a baseball player,  the protective cup is a potentially life-saving piece of equipment. Taking a shot to the nether regions is a universally grimacing moment amongst the males of the species; one that it made all the worse when that which is supposed to protect becomes the punisher.

Of all the balls Ken Griffey, Jr. hit in his career, none had the impact of his own when they were pinched by his cup during a game.  The resultant swelling left him unable to play.   It hurts just thinking about it.

3) Nightmare on Skydome Street

Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Glenallen Hill had a crushing fear of spiders. While Little Miss Muffet would just sit on her tuffet, Hill would have nightmares so bad that one night he lept straight out of bed, bounced off a wall, had a rough-an-tumble adventure with a flight of stairs, and ended up with an injured leg, various cuts, scrapes, and rugburns.

2) Employees Must Wash Hands

If you are cooking, be it for yourself or for others, the importance of hand-washing can’t be understated. It’s not just the transfer of disease one needs to worry about, it is that you can get things on your hands which may cause serious problems when they come in contact with sensitive body parts.

Enter Florida Marlins outfielder Bret Barberie. It seems he was making nachos and forgot to wash his hands after cutting some chili peppers. He failed to wash his hands, then went to insert his contact lenses. The effect of directly placing the pepper oil on the surface of his eye was like a mace-job on steroids.  He burned his eye, ripped his contact lens, and earned baseball immortality.

1) Cordova Over Easy

The Marty Cordova monument in St. Paul

Here’s another cooking-related injury, but rather than the food being fried, it is the player who wound up as griddle grist.

While one might think baseball players would get enough sun during the season, Marty Cordova did not agree.  So he oiled himself up and crawled into a tanning bed.  He then fell asleep and so badly burnt his face he was under doctor’s orders to avoid all direct sunlight.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

5 comments on “Great Moments in the History of Dumb Baseball Injuries

  1. sportsattitudes
    September 16, 2011

    EVERY time the tarp comes out on a rain delay and the ground crew is shown scrambling, my wife and I look at each other and say in unison, “Vince Coleman.”

    Like

    • JW
      September 16, 2011

      Funny…I usually say that while tossing lit firecrackers at kids.

      Like

  2. chappy81
    September 16, 2011

    Solid list as usual! I forgot about a few of these. I know I’ve had my share of tendenitis from video games. I’m shocked that players would risk playoff games for something as stupid as guitar hero!

    Like

    • JW
      September 16, 2011

      I’d rather get tendinitis than try to explain how I hurt my back watching TV.

      Like

  3. ChrisHumpherys (@SportsChump)
    September 18, 2011

    Can we call these The Grammaticas?

    And I know this is no laughing matter because a few players died in the incident, but didn’t Bob Ojeda have part of his thumb chopped off when he and some of his Indian buddies were getting hopped up on some boat?

    Like

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