What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
I’m Peyton Manning’s neck. I’m creating all kinds of mayhem, and nobody can figure out how. Thanks to me, there’s a team of doctors arguing over whether Peyton’s career is or is not over, and thanks to that, I’ve got the entire sporting world having that same pointless discussion.
Face it, I have so much power just from tweaking one little neck bone. I started the sequence of events that led to Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky being starting quarterbacks in the NFL. I’ve got a multi-millionaire so wrapped around his own axle that he can’t go six days without pissing down his own leg on Twitter. I’ve got all of you so worked up that you’re missing really important stuff.
Let’s go back to that millionaire thing for a minute. I’ve got Jim Irsay so ass-backward that he’s really backed himself into a corner. First of all, I got him to give Peyton a $90 million contract after the first neck surgery without having Peyton get a physical exam of me. All because Irsay doesn’t want to be the guy who has to tell Colts fans the Manning era is over. Then, he got a cut-rate insurance policy in Kerry Collins, and when that didn’t pay off, he went to Curtis Painter, which is the equivalent of that insurance only people with 3 DUIs can get.
Now, let’s get back to you, the fans. Thanks to all the mayhem I’ve created, you’ve totally forgotten Peyton is on the downswing of his career even without the neck problem. You’ve totally forgotten that even if Peyton had played for the Colts this past season, there were so many other problems with that team they would never have won six games. More importantly, you’ve missed the fact that much like it is time for Peyton and the Colts to part ways, it that same time for me and Peyton.
Seriously, I’m not spending the rest of my life holding up that misshapen fetus-head. There’s a big future in this “Mayhem” racket selling insurance, and I’m not about to hang around for more crushing blows, failed comebacks, and general misery when I can make some serious cash scaring middle-class America.
Don’t be Jim Irsay. Buy good insurance and be protected from mayhem like Curtis Painter.
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