Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Guest Column: Peyton Manning’s Neck on It’s New Career Options

I’m Peyton Manning’s neck.  I’m creating all kinds of mayhem, and nobody can figure out how. Thanks to me, there’s a team of doctors arguing over whether Peyton’s career is or is not over, and thanks to that,  I’ve got the entire sporting world having that same pointless discussion.

Face it, I have so much power just from tweaking one little neck bone.  I started the sequence of events that led to Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky being starting quarterbacks in the NFL.  I’ve got a multi-millionaire so wrapped around his own axle that he can’t go six days without pissing down his own leg on Twitter.  I’ve got all of you so worked up that you’re missing really important stuff.

Let’s go back to that millionaire thing for a minute.  I’ve got Jim Irsay so ass-backward that he’s really backed himself into a corner. First of all, I got him to give Peyton a $90 million contract after the first neck surgery without having Peyton get a physical exam of me. All because Irsay doesn’t want to be the guy who has to tell Colts fans the Manning era is over.  Then, he got a cut-rate insurance policy in Kerry Collins, and when that didn’t pay off,  he went to Curtis Painter, which is the equivalent of that insurance only people with 3 DUIs can get.

Now, let’s get back to you, the fans. Thanks to all the mayhem I’ve created, you’ve totally forgotten Peyton is on the downswing of his career even without the neck problem.  You’ve totally forgotten that even if Peyton had played for the Colts this past season, there were so many other problems with that team they would never have won six games.  More importantly, you’ve missed the fact that much like it is time for Peyton and the Colts to part ways, it that same time for me and Peyton.

Seriously, I’m not spending the rest of my life holding up that misshapen fetus-head. There’s a big future in this “Mayhem” racket selling insurance, and I’m not about to hang around for more crushing blows, failed comebacks, and general misery when I can make some serious cash scaring middle-class America.

Don’t be Jim Irsay. Buy good insurance and be protected from mayhem like Curtis Painter.

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About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

7 comments on “Guest Column: Peyton Manning’s Neck on It’s New Career Options

  1. Bobby Charts
    February 1, 2012

    LOL, too flipping funny, Im glad you got this interview Dubs, now I feel like I’m in the loop because there is no doubt the media has no idea what’s going on.

    Matter of fact I don’t think Manning has any idea what’s going on!

    Like

  2. sportsattitudes
    February 1, 2012

    Mayhem is my guy, I LOVE him. Guy in our fantasy football league named his team Mayhem and used his picture as a “helmet.” Best ad campaign ever. I don’t know if you’ve read this from me before (actually, I know you have…) but there is no way on Earth a legitimate NFL physical will bless that neck to play pro football if my understanding of its issues is even close to being correct. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a degenerative neck/bulging disc issue that would require old-school spinal fusion surgery to…here’s the “catch”…”maybe” fix the issue. His neck has had THREE procedures of unknown origin to try to fix whatever is going on, but when you use the words spinal fusion that’s a red flag towards playing tackle football. It’s a red flag playing flag football. He’s in denial and I truly understand he wants to continue and not have things end this way, but it sounds to me it would be grossly irresponsible for anyone to let him near a field. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the Internet. I declined to take the surgical option. I’m dealing with my issue. I hope Irsay and Manning deal with their issues professionally and responsibly. The Colts should draft TWO quarterbacks if they can…more insulation from the continuation of the “Curtis Era.”

    Like

    • J-Dub
      February 1, 2012

      I also know you aren’t the only person i know who has had this same issue, but you all say the same things on this matter.

      Like

  3. chappy81
    February 1, 2012

    BWAHAHAHAHA!

    Like

  4. Misshapen fetus head.

    Since when did you become so polite? That’s being way too kind.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      February 1, 2012

      I didn’t think “Waterhead Baby” was politically correct.

      Like

  5. sportsattitudes
    February 1, 2012

    All this talk about Peyton leaving could give Curtis a big head…but not as big as…well, we’ve established that now haven’t we?

    Like

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