Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

What We Learned: Super Bowl XLVI…Or As We Call It In America, Super Bowl 46

1) Its time for the Roman numeral thing to come to an end

First off, does anybody really remember how those damn things work anyway? I learned them in the sixth grade, and I don’t know about you, but that was just too damn long ago. Not to mention, where the hell else do I need this knowledge unless I’m trying to figure out the the copyright date on an old movie? From now on, just stick with the Arabic numbers we all use; next year I want to see 47, not XLVII. Make it happen, Roger Goodell. I took my first step toward not hating you when you said it may be time to get rid of the damn Pro Bowl; let’s build on that momentum.

2) Pre-game shows were concocted by the same people who invented Waterboarding

Seriously, who needs four hours of Chris Berman? Who needs multiple hours of any of these turdloafs? Give me six hours of Cris Collinsworth on tape, and let me have any guy in Guantanamo from whom you want a secret. I’ll have it for you by the time we hit the third commercial break.

What’s sadder still is the stuff other channels put on as if they are throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Puppy Bowl? A “Law and Order” marathon? Like somebody might want an option to half a day of the sporting equivalent of a dog turd on a summer sidewalk.

3) I’ve discovered the worst people to have at a Super Bowl party 

  • The person who keeps making it a point to tell you they hate sports, but enjoys the “social community of the virtual holiday” the Super Bowl has become

We all know this one. It is usually the woman who wears knee-length skirts with dark tights and combat boots, has far too many piercings, and somehow during the course of the day works in a rant about “American indulgent consumerism.” If they aren’t a woman, they usually are some long-haired, petchouli-smelling dickbreath who yells at anybody who doesn’t toss their beer can in the recycle bin he carries in his Prius. In either case, they usually are a co-worker of the wife of the guy hosting the party, and the wife had some sort of situation where they could not be “not invited.”

  • The person who knows absolutely nothing about football, but tries to pretend they do

Here’s another stereotype which offers two gender-based options. The male version is usually somebody’s shit-for-brains brother-in-law who thinks just because he played linebacker in junior high and now is nearing offensive tackle-weight he is qualified to offer an opinion on every single football related topic offered during that insufferable month-long pre-game show. The female version is almost always that woman who has no friends and is desperate to fit in anywhere, so she watches a little ESPN First Take and thinks she can talk at length about what a great free-throw shooter Tim Tebow is.

  • The overly-neurotic cook

Usually seen at the “pot-luck” type gathering, this person has such a compulsive need for acceptance, they bug the shit out of everybody in the room with some drivel along the lines “I hope the bean dip was OK; I thought maybe I put to much cilantro in it.” Whenever I end up at a party with one of these people, I sneak off somewhere, drink two   cans of Spaghettios and fill a coffee cup with some of that “emergency-make-you-barf-juice” they use on overdose victims. Then I wait for Captain Neurotic to approach me with their whine over a quarter-teaspoon of what-the-hell ever; then I take a big-ass hit off that coffee cup.

Try it some time…the reactions are priceless. Hint: It’s best to stay on non-carpeted floors when you pull this.

  • The person who just went through a break-up

Honestly, this person can screw up any social gathering, but in this case it is usually men who are the worst offenders. Raise your hand if you got to see a guy have a Super Bowl party meltdown because the” ex” who dumped his ass made a comment one time about how “Tom Brady is cute.”

4) Another exercise in numerology

The Giants become the 5th team to win at least 4 Super Bowls, while the Patriots become the 3rd team to lose at least 4 Super Bowls.

5) Once Again, The Dubsism Mantra about football holds true

Let’s all say it together…

The passing game may be exciting to watch, and it kicks ass in your fantasy league, and it even wins a lot of regular season games, but it is the ability to run the ball and play defense that wins championships.

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About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

7 comments on “What We Learned: Super Bowl XLVI…Or As We Call It In America, Super Bowl 46

  1. Sam's Sports Brief
    February 6, 2012

    Haha great post! I totally agree with you on the roman numerals, most people have no idea how they work, and what is wrong with 46?

    Like

  2. Jsportsfan
    February 6, 2012

    Another worst person to have at a Super Bowl Party is the bandwagon fan. Typically a dude who only cheers for a particular team only at the Super Bowl but claims to be a lifelong fan. Those people are insufferable!

    Like

    • J-Dub
      February 6, 2012

      I couldn’t agree more. Bandwagon fans are officially added to the list.

      Like

  3. sportsattitudes
    February 6, 2012

    After seeing the 45 previous ones, I think I’m getting smarter about all this. I deliberately stayed away from all the pre-game shows, most ESPN SportsCenters for the two weeks, no NFL Network at all, etc. I literally went off the grid as far as Super Bowl hype. I even watched college hoops Sunday until 4 PM and only then did I actually join “The Big Game.” And, I have to say I wound up enjoying it much, much more. Treating it like just another game pre-game did not diminish my enthusiasm for it once it arrived. Plan on keeping this “system” for future Super Bowls…hopefully, without the Roman numerals.

    Like

    • chappy81
      February 6, 2012

      I didn’t get sucked into any of the pre-game stuff either, because I happened to be at a friends house who loves golf, so we watched the Waste Management Tourney instead of meaningless babble that we’ve already heard over the last couple weeks. I think the person I can’t stand is the people who only watch the game for the commercials. Sure, there’s some good ones, but that person leaves to take bathroom breaks when the game is on opposed to when commercials are on. I guess it helps out the bathroom line though…

      Like

  4. Jb Knox
    February 6, 2012

    hahaha I agree JDubs as well. I am very anti-social during the 2 weeks prior to the game and during the game as well. I do not attend SB parties and will even watch the game with wireless headphones on for this reason so that my kids can’t talk to me. They think I am crazy and the feelings are reciprocated 2 fold.

    I also can’t stand the fans that only show up for this party and interrupt game play by asking questions regarding what a false start is and what the yellow line on the field means. Shit, if you are gonna attend a SB party catch up on your lingo/knowledge first so that the fans in the room don’t have to shoot you looks. Inevitably there will also be an idiot pseudo-fan (most likely the jackass you referred to as recently being dumped, yet knows nothing about football) who will take on the unenviable task of explaining the rules of the game so that their duct-taped ego can get a boost by the attention and sweet replies of thank you, you are so sweet.

    My response to these people is Football is a Game of Inches and if you don’t want mine to slap you upset the head I suggest you sit down and shut the eff up.

    Like

  5. 1) I guess they’re keeping the whole Roman numeral thing as its supposed to represent some a gladiator-type of event. Personally, I hope they keep it at least until Super Bowl 100 so everywhere, there’ll be signs that just read Super Bowl M. FYI… Madonna will be over 100 by that halftime show. SWEET!

    2) Your four-hour pre-game show should consist of drinking heavily and nothing more. Put down the remote, prepare your grid pool, get the grill ready and have a damn cocktail.

    3) Why are you hanging out with those people? Or better yet, invite me to your next Super Bowl party with those same people there. Oh, we’d have a blast.

    4) I have to keep bringing this up but the only numerology that matters from this game are Eli 2, Peyton 1

    5) Well said, sir.

    Like

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