What We’ve Learned From This Football Season So Far – The Inaugural Edition of the 2012 Coaches Death Watch
Now that the regular season has ended for the majority of college football, many coaches heads have already rolled, and most of those are really no surprise.
- Joker Phillips, Kentucky
- Gene Chizik, Auburn
- John L. Smith, Arkansas
- Frank Spaziani, Boston College
- Tom O’Brien, North Carolina State
- Jeff Tedford, California
- Derek Dooley, Tennessee
- Danny Hope, Purdue
- Jon Embree, Colorado
John L. Smith was only in his first year, but his reign was such a train wreck that he managed to take a pre-season Top 10 team to a 4-8 finish. Chizik went 3-9 at Auburn only two years removed from winning a national championship. Guess the SEC is the ultimate “what have you done for me lately?” league.
But there’s a lot more guys in both the college and professional ranks who have the Sword of Damocles hanging over them. Here’s a list of the guys we will be watching.
Let’s start with the college guys:
Mike Price, UTEP
After going 8-4 in each of his first two years, Mike Price has clinched his seventh consecutive losing season at UTEP and has no contract for next year. Color him toast.
Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
Johnson came into this job with some high hopes, and since winning the 2009 ACC title, he’s gone just 18-17 at Georgia Tech, including a 4-5 mark so far this season. Johnson biggest supporter, athletic director Dan Radakovich, just left for Clemson. The ground Johnson is standing on is shakier than Oprah Winfrey’s back fat.
Paul Pasqualoni, UConn
It’s really must suck to be the football coach at UConn. First of all, you are completely overshadowed by even women’s basketball. Second, you just got cock-blocked out of joining the ACC. And if you are Paul Pasqualoni, you’ve gone 8-13 in the two years since Randy Edsall got the program into a BCS bowl. Pasqualoni’s team is so fetid offensively that they couldn’t score in a women’s prison if you gave them a fistful of keys. Pasqualoni survives if nobody else wants the job, which is an even bet considering they have no momentum, recruiting is a fantasy, and they are mired in a dying conference.
Skip Holtz, South Florida
Let’s talk about a guy living off his dad’s reputation – no, not Lane Kiffin…we’ll get to him soon enough. Holtz has somehow managed to keep getting his name mentioned for some other jobs despite the fact he has only racked up a mediocre mark of 13-12 in his first two seasons at USF. Now this year, the Bullks have only managed a 3-6 mark. Indications are that Holtz is likely to remain on the USF sideline for at least one more season, but he does have a chance to fail upward.
Lane Kiffin, USC
Let’s be honest. Lane Kiffin is dogshit as a coach. Here’s a guy who took a pre-season Top 3 ranked team and finished out the the rankings entirely. Kiffin got a free pass when the team was dealing with NCAA sanction, but it is no likely he can take a potential national championship team, finish with five losses, be a complete douche-nozzle, and survive. -It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. USC was supposed to come out of the gate and just dominate, but have instead faltered, flubbed and failed.
Mack Brown, Texas
I get that things really aren’t that bad in Austin. I get they’ve only lost three games, but those were to new in-state rival TCU, new kid on the Big 12 block West Virginia, and hated old-school rival Oklahoma. I just don’t know how much longer the Texas powers-that-be are going to tolerate mediocrity. I also think a loss to Kansas State this weekend puts Brown in a shakier position than he’s ever been in before.
Jim Grobe, Wake Forest
Welcome to “meh.” Grobe isn’t great as a coach, and he isn’t terrible either. His big problem is that he once got the Nowhere-land that is Wake Forest football into a BCS bowl game, and now every once in a while he has to face people who still have expectations for the Demon Deacons. He likely survives this season, but he need to make one of those low-end, 6-win bowl games next year.
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
Iowa athletic director Gary Barta still loves Ferentz, and the Hawkeye faithful are still filling Kinnick Stadium, but there’s really no denying that Iowa football has taken a downturn. The Hawkeyes suffered double-digit losses to teams they normally have owned under Ferentz (Penn State and Northwestern), they blew a lead in an ugly loss to lowly Indiana, and they finished this season 4-8…dead last in the B1G Legends Division and will miss out on a bowl game for only the second time in the last dozen years. In fact, since they won the 2010 Orange Bowl, Iowa has been just barely better than a .500 team, going 19-16. The fans were turning on Ferentz even before the Indiana loss, and losing to Purdue at home for the first time at home since the first Bush administration didn’t help. If the fans quit showing up, look for a package deal where Barta and Ferentz both get the gate.
Now, for the NFL guys who should be updating their LinkedIn pages right about now…
Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers
How many years am I going to have Norv Turner at the top of the “has GOT to get fired” hit parade, only to watch him not get fired? Let’s face it, this butt-loaf should have been shown the door three years ago, but he always seems to wiggle his way off the hook. My guess is Norv has picture’s of Chargers’ owner Alex Spanos fucking a water buffalo. Even that sort of job security has to run out eventually.
Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
Reid is the hard-luck king of the NFL over the past few years, and while I am life-long Eagles’ fan, it is time to part ways. Frankly, the Eagles have done nothing to help Reid. He was the one smart enough to know the McNabb era was over. The trouble was he never was given a quarterback to replace him with. Reid knew Michael Vick was a veritable “bag of magic beans,” but what was his alternative after Kevin Kolb got hurt? Vince Fucking Young….let that sink in for a moment.
Vaya con dios, Andy. I wish you nothing but the best on the job you get 45 minutes after Philadelphia fires you.
Romeo Crennel, Kansas City Chiefs
There’s two reasons why Romeo Crennel keeps getting head coaching jobs. One, because he had success as a coordinator under Bill Belichick in New England. Two, because the “Rooney Rule” is just the NFL’s version of affirmative action. Crennel is a well-liked guy, but he’s a shitty head coach. His stint in Cleveland is forgivable, because Vince Lombardi himself couldn’t win with that pile of dog barf the Browns were trotting on to the field. But Kansas City is a different deal entirely. The Chiefs have talent, they play in the weakest division in the NFL, and despite that, they define dismal.
Cue homage to Johnny Carson in 3..2..1…
The Kansas City Chiefs are sooooooo bad…
How bad are they????
The Kansas City Chiefs are so bad that when Dexter McCluster delivered a Meal-on-Wheels to an elderly shut-in, she told him “Ya’ll better start winning some games.” In other words, here’s a woman who would be eating her own foot had McCluster not shown up, and yet she still verbally ball-tags him.
Rex Ryan, New York Jets
Here’s another guy who got no help from his general manager. Mike Tannebaum should be the one getting his walking papers in New York, but Sexy Rexy gets to be the fall guy for a GM who did nothing while a team that made two straight AFC Championship games got old and disintegrated right before our very eyes.
Thanksgiving night’s debacle against the Patriots officially marked the point when the New York Jets became the laughing stock of the NFL.
Rex Ryan will take the fall, but the sad state of the Jets rests squarely on the shoulders of Tannebaum and owner Woody Johnson. They are the ones who brought in Tim Tebow when Ryan made it clear he needed a quarterback. The fact that Ryan got this team into two AFC Championship games with Mark Sanchez was a minor miracle, even with the dominant defense the Jets had.
Tannebaum and Johnson also did nothing when that defense turned into a collection of graybeards. They did nothing when they realized the offensive line had two Pro Bowlers and three lunch wagons. They did nothing when it became clear the receivers couldn’t catch herpes if you stapled them to a Kardashian.
What was their solution for those problems? Tim Tebow.
This is why Sexy Rexy will have another job before his footprints out of town have a chance to get cold.
Pat Shurmur, Cleveland Browns
New owner Jimmy Haslem isn’t letting any grass grow under his well-shod feet. In no time at all since assuming control of the Browns, Haslem got rid of Team President Mike Holmgren and replaced him with former Philadelphia Eagles President Joel Banner. Pat Shurmur can’t help but to keep shooting his own foot. He’s got to be gone at season’s end.
Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys
Garrett is the wild card. Jerry Jones has been know to hang on to failed coaches far too long, and it is clear Garrett has failed. But Jerry Jones has also been known to hit the “international Enough Line” with little warning, at which point he starts whacking everybody like Robert DeNiro in GoodFellas. This time next year, is Jason Garrett on the Cowboys’ sideline, or is he on a hook in the back of a freezer truck? Your guess is as good as ours.
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Here’s hoping Reid takes more than just 45 minutes before finding his next job. It seems like he could use the sanity break.
Since I live here in Tampa, the whole Skip Holtz thing is really hard to understand. They gave the guy an extension last year when his team also sucked and now they’re forced to buy him out for an amount they can’t really afford. He is an absolutely horrible coach. The guy makes Lane Kiffin look like Knute Rockne.
And speaking of Kiffin, I actually find his deer in the headlights look rather endearing but that’s only because I could give a flying fuck about USC.
Oh, and shouldn’t Norv get some sort of door prize for making this list annually? Like a nice toaster or something.
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I was this close to re-naming the list in Norv Turner’s honor.
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Boy you nailed it on the Norv Turner thing. This year he’s gone for sure though…
The Jets receivers I’m sure could find a way to catch herpes, but a fucking football? Out of the question…
Meehan
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I’ve been saying that about Norv for three years now…and he keeps surviving. He’s like that shower mildew you just can’t kill.
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You know, with Kiffin I think he gets a riduculous free pass and probably will get another one for next year. Plus, he can make a killing impersonating and/or being a stunt double for comedian Daniel Tosh.
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