Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The San Francisco 49ers

1) This Video

If the 49ers win, they will join the Green Bay Packers, the team with the most NFL Championships, as the only teams to win a Super Bowl in three different decades. it will also tie them with the Pittsburgh Steelers as having six titles in the Super Bowl era. Invariably, this will lead to some ass-loaf San Francisco fans trying to declare the 49ers as the greatest team of all-time. Then I will have to shoot them.

2) I’m Already Tired Of Jim Harbaugh And His Bullshit

Harbaugh could easily be the main reason for cheering against the 49ers, but he wouldn’t even be on this list had he beat the shit out of Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz last year. That would have been the only thing saving him from my labeling Harbaugh as a complete dipshit who inherited a team that was pretty well stocked and then pulled a “Belichick” by finding his star quarterback purely by accident, thanks to an injury.

By the way, did I mention he is a complete hypocrite? It seems everybody forgot what an asshole he made of himself with the lies he told during last off-season’s Peyton Manning Sweepstakes. It seems everybody forgot about how Harbaugh went on this big, dramatic speech telling his players the one thing he won’t tolerate is the abuse of women and how the media used this to show what a great guy Harbaugh is. Of course, right after this, he made sure the 49ers signed Perrish Cox fresh off his somewhat dubious acquittal on sexual assault charges, despite an O.J.-style mountain of physical evidence and particularly damning testimony from his own “wingman” Demaryius Thomas. By the way, there’s still a civil lawsuit pending in this situation, but that obviously doesn’t matter to Harbaugh.

3) God Hates Randy Moss 

Randy “I’m the best ever” Moss. What a fucktard. He’s not even the best to ever wear a 49er uniform. I’m convinced God put David Tyree on the field in 2007 just to make sure Patriots fans would be mumbling about “that fucking helmet catch” in perpetuity. Many people don’t know that “David Tyree” literally translates from ancient Sanskrit meaning “divine punishment for giving a douche-hammer who runs over traffic cops a shot to win a Super Bowl ring.”

4) Thug Life…Bay Area Style

Perrish Cox and Randy Moss are just the tip of the iceberg. Everybody talks about the thug-a-licious nature of the Ravens, but the 49ers relations with the Department of Corrections gets overlooked. Aside from the aforementioned “alleged” rapist and a guy with a rap sheet longer than a “fly” pattern, there’s the Thug Hall-of-Fame-worthy accomplishment of Aldon Smith, who managed to snag a DUI charge, then got stabbed at his own house party. I don’t know how you pull that off, but you have to admit, that is an achievement certainly worthy of dubious note.

By the way, while it isn’t necessarily thug-like, Justin Smith’s Anheuser-Busch tattoo on his bicep is a clear indicator of either future thuggish behavior or his becoming a very popular member of the Dallas Cowboys.

5) The “Fair-Weather” 49er Fan Base

Don’t ever let anyone tell you San Francisco isn’t a baseball town.

There’s so many things to hate about a great number of 49er fans. Be advised I’m not talking about the real die-hards; the ones who remember guys like John Brodie, Russ Francis, and what an unmitigated disaster the O.J. Simpson experiment was in the late 70’s. The die-hards who stayed loyal during the years John York butt-fumbled that team into obscurity after the Walsh-Siefert era. If the mere mention of the name “Ken Dorsey” gives you heart palpitations, you are not the 49er fan I’m talking about.

In fact, the people I’m talking about aren’t really fans; they define the term “band-wagoners.” The honest truth is that other than the 387 true “die-hards” I’ve mentioned, the San Francisco fan base worships at the alter of the baseball Giants and only comes around to football after the World Series and only then if the 49ers are winning. The minute the 49ers hired Dennis Erickson, the fans dissolved like the Alka-Seltzer you need after gorging yourself at the Korean barbecue food truck. Real fans go all “Tammy Wynette” and stand by their team. I’m a Philadelphia Eagle fan who still covets his moth-eaten Herm Edwards jersey; the same one who lived through the Rich Kotite years and who hasn’t seen his team win an NFL Championship since before the Super Bowl even existed.

That’s why these people piss me off so much; they don’t deserve a team with such success. These people have been nowhere to be found for damn near fifteen year, but last year they came back in such numbers that white wine and sushi is now again popular at Candlestick Park. Don’t even get me started on how fucking wrong that is.  These are the same butt-nuggets who spent the last decade-and-a-half at the organic, holistic, hippie-fucknut co-op market, then the minute Jim Harbaugh hit town they spewed a bunch of bullshit about how they never lost faith.  You bailed on the 49ers faster than Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother, and now that they are successful, you want back on the football teat.

Forget about the Korean barbecue food truck. You all can eat me.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

View all posts by J-Dub →