What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
There’s a lot of irony in that headline, because I hate Chris Andersen. I always have, and for more reasons than that mohawked douche-hammer has ink. For those of you who don’t know who Chris “Birdman” Andersen is – and we are guessing until about three weeks ago, that was most of you – he is a fourth-rate NBA player on a first-rate NBA team.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pacers fan, so this isn’t about the bullshit he pulled in Game 5 that got him suspended for tonight’s Eastern Conference Final Game 6 in Indianapolis. While it was just another example of what a useless piece of NBA shit, it is a tt he same time the moment that I realized why I’m starting to like this assloaf.
Ever since he came out of the same Texas junior college which specializes in rehabilitating the careers of collegiate athletic fuck-ups like Cam Newton, Andersen has been little more than a peanut-filled dingleberry on the anus of professional basketball.
He went undrafted by the NBA in 1999. This led to the dingleberry’s traverse across the various rungs of professional basketball, and he left a skid mark wherever he went. First it was two years embarrasing America as a member of the Chinese League’s Jiangsu Nangang. Then came a season with the 2000–2001 Fargo-Moorhead Beez of the IBA. The next stop was the Fayetteville Patriots of the NBA’s D-League.
The stint in Fayetteville actually conned an NBA team into making the first of several mistakes that would be made on this dribbling shitball, who oddly enough doesn’t dribble very well. The Denver Nuggets signed Andersen, and thus began a ten-year revolving door of benchings, suspensions, criminal investigations, and now a championship run.
He bounced from the Nuggets to the Hornets, where a two-year ban from the NBA landed on him for violating the league’s drug policy. He returned to the Hornets in 2008, who promptly bounced him back to Denver, who he served as little more than a bench player until last year, when he was released.
The Human Iguana remained out of the league until midway through this season when the Miami Heat, who were desperate for big guys, signed the 6’11” heap to a ten-day contract, and they’ve been stuck with him ever since. This a guy who was 12-minute a game player throughout the season, and now that the Heat have a match-up issue with the size of the Indiana Pacers, the Heat back-flushed the NBA septic tank and took any turd longer than 6’9.” In other words, the Heat made the mistake of relying on Andersen, far too much, and he rewarded then with a stupid and selfish play.
So after all that, why would I like this butt nugget? Because he is the reason I have been waiting for to hate the Miami Heat.
Like I said, I am not a fan of the Pacers per se. I grew up a Lakers fans, and my basketball loyalties are still with the purple and gold. but I have since been transplanted from Laker Nation to Indiana, where as a resident I see the Pacers on TV every night. In my time in the Hoosier state, I’ve watched this team grow from lottery picks to the Eastern Conference Finals, so while I’m not a fan, I do enjoy watching them. Not to mention, by watching the hate of Chris Andersen grow here over the last few days, I’ve had no choice but to get on the anti-Birdman bandwagon. It’s just the perfect opportunity to get my Heat hate on.
I know Tyler Hansbrough is no angel. In fact, he plays a pit like a pissed-off Herman Munster in hightops. But the fact is I’ve been waiting for a reason to bag on the Heat, and now I’ve got it.
I know that Dwayne Wade is a dirty player, but I’ve known that all the way back to his days at Marquette. Wade could rape your grandmother at half-court, and the blowbags at ESPN would make excuses for him.
I know there’s a lot of people who want to hate LeBron James for any number of reasons, but most of that boils down to he’s better than anybody their team has. It’s hard to listen to a LeBron hater when the best player on his team isn’t worthy to suck the sweat out of LeBron’s jock.
That’s why we all should love Chris Andersen. Think about it. All great teams must have a parasite who will win a ring just because he ended up on a team with a great player. Micheal Jordan’s Bulls had Stacey King, Kobe Bryant’s Lakers had Mark Madsen, and LeBron James’ Heat may very well put a NBA Championship ring on Chris Andersen.
If that happens, then I will owe Chris Andersen a debt of gratitude. And I will still hope he gets some sort of flesh-eating rectal cancer.