Dubsism

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Why The Miami Heat’s Tattooed Piece Of Shit Is Rapidly Becoming My Favorite NBA Player

chris andersen tyler hansbrough fight

There’s a lot of irony in that headline, because I hate Chris Andersen. I always have, and for more reasons than that mohawked douche-hammer has ink. For those of you who don’t know who Chris “Birdman” Andersen is –  and we are guessing until about three weeks ago, that was most of you – he is a fourth-rate NBA player on a first-rate NBA team.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pacers fan, so this isn’t about the bullshit he pulled in Game 5 that got him suspended for tonight’s Eastern Conference Final Game 6 in Indianapolis. While it was just another example of what a useless piece of NBA shit,  it is a tt he same time  the moment that I realized why I’m starting to like this assloaf.

Ever since he came out of the same Texas junior college which specializes in rehabilitating the careers of collegiate athletic  fuck-ups like Cam Newton, Andersen has been little more than a peanut-filled dingleberry on the anus of professional basketball.

He went undrafted by the NBA in 1999. This led to the dingleberry’s traverse across the various rungs of professional basketball, and he left a skid mark wherever he went. First it was two years embarrasing America as a member of the Chinese League’s Jiangsu Nangang. Then came a season with the 2000–2001 Fargo-Moorhead Beez of the IBA.  The next stop was the  Fayetteville Patriots of the NBA’s D-League.

The stint in Fayetteville actually conned an NBA team into making the first of several mistakes that would be made on this dribbling shitball, who oddly enough doesn’t dribble very well. The Denver Nuggets signed Andersen, and thus began a ten-year revolving door of benchings, suspensions, criminal investigations, and now a championship run.

He bounced from the Nuggets to the Hornets, where a two-year ban from the NBA landed on him for violating the league’s drug policy.  He returned to the Hornets in 2008, who promptly bounced him back to Denver, who he served as little more than a bench player until last year, when he was released.

The Human Iguana remained out of the league until midway through this season when the Miami Heat, who were desperate for big guys, signed the 6’11” heap to a ten-day contract, and they’ve been stuck with him ever since. This a guy who was  12-minute a game player throughout the season, and now that the Heat have a match-up issue with the size of the Indiana Pacers, the Heat back-flushed the NBA septic tank and took any turd longer than 6’9.” In other words, the Heat made the mistake of relying on Andersen, far too much, and he rewarded then with a stupid and selfish play.

So after all that, why would I like this butt nugget? Because he is the reason I have been waiting for to hate the Miami Heat.

Like I said, I am not a fan of the Pacers per se. I grew up a Lakers fans, and my basketball loyalties are still with the purple and gold. but I have since been transplanted from Laker Nation to Indiana, where as a resident I see the Pacers on TV every night. In my time in the Hoosier state, I’ve watched this team grow from lottery picks to the Eastern Conference Finals, so while I’m not a fan, I do enjoy watching them. Not to mention, by watching the hate of Chris Andersen grow here over the last few days, I’ve had no choice but to get on the anti-Birdman bandwagon. It’s just the perfect opportunity to get my Heat hate on.

I know Tyler Hansbrough is no angel. In fact, he plays a pit like a pissed-off Herman Munster in hightops. But the fact is I’ve been waiting for a reason to bag on the Heat, and now I’ve got it.

I know that Dwayne Wade is a dirty player, but I’ve known that all the way back to his days at Marquette. Wade could rape your grandmother at half-court, and the blowbags at ESPN would make excuses for him.

I know there’s a lot of people who want to hate LeBron James for any number of reasons, but most of that boils down to he’s better than anybody their team has. It’s  hard to listen to a LeBron hater when the best player on his team isn’t worthy to suck the sweat out of LeBron’s jock.

I may stop hating Chris Andersen if he makes us all forget about Mark Madsen dancing.

That’s why we all should love Chris Andersen. Think about it. All great teams must have a parasite who will win a ring just because he ended up on a team with a great player. Micheal Jordan’s Bulls had Stacey King, Kobe Bryant’s Lakers had Mark Madsen, and LeBron James’ Heat may very well put a NBA Championship ring on Chris Andersen.

If that happens, then I will owe Chris Andersen a debt of gratitude.  And I will still hope he gets some sort of flesh-eating rectal cancer.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

7 comments on “Why The Miami Heat’s Tattooed Piece Of Shit Is Rapidly Becoming My Favorite NBA Player

  1. J-Dub
    June 1, 2013

    Reblogged this on Sports Blog Movement.

    Like

  2. Did you just call the Miami Heat “a first rate NBA team?”

    I think the Indiana Pacers beg to differ.

    No disrespect to Indy. Vogel’s proving he’s a better coach than Spoelstra and the Pacers, without a single superstar or household name AND their best player out for the season, are exposing every single flaw on that Heat roster. Who knew there were that many?

    It just goes to show you how flawed they are that a journeyman like Sir Dingleberry, with basically only one talent (blocking shots on weakside defense) will make or break the success of that team.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      June 2, 2013

      This might be a good time to point out that SOMEBODY told you the Heat would lose at least two games to the Pacers…

      Like

  3. Ryan Meehan
    June 8, 2013

    This was an interesting angle to take. I can see how one might be anti-Birdman because of his general dbaggery, but pro-Birdman because he saw how he started shit with Tyler.

    The Hansborough thing was fascinating to me because it shows how people in our country view those who have tattoos and/or drive motorcycles. The overwhelming majority of people who I talked to said that if it was a bar fight Birdman would have killed him, and I couldn’t disagree more. Why? Because he was dumb enough to get a tat that said “FreeBird” on his neck? Not saying Hansborough would have mopped the floor with his ass, but I think that it would been much closer than a lot of people think. I think there’s this idea that since you have tattoos or ride a motorcycle, you’re a badass, and that just simply is not the case.

    Returning to your point, there is always one guy on every team that wins who probably shouldn’t deserve it, but I think Birdman does. He’s had a couple of good games and he knows his role at this point in his career.

    Meehan

    Like

  4. fantasyfurnace
    July 1, 2013

    To me the Birdman is to the Heat what Rodman was to the Pistons. I think the Birdman is more likeable and Rodman more talented. But Anderson plays hard and knows his limitations.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      July 1, 2013

      I have a hard time buying that comparison because Rodman was a pretty important part of those Bulls teams, where Andersen is a bench player who won’t even be on the roster next season.

      Like

      • fantasyfurnace
        July 2, 2013

        Yeah, my bad…Anderson could never dominate a game like Rodman could. I remember some nights he would haul in 18 boards and would be super intimidating just like the rest of those Pistons were.
        I’ll just blame it on all those tattoos for reminding me of Rodman…

        Like

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