Eight Cultural Differences Between the 1950s and Now and Their Sporting Equivalents
Let’s just cut to the chase here…this country is fucked. The signs of it are around us every day. The one that really got me going was listening the the President of the United States say in reference to the Trayvon Martin case “that could have been me.” There’s approximately 1,567,836 reasons for that being one of dumbest things ever said by a President. For example, we didn’t even have Skittles in 1975. But what really drove me over the edge was the fact that the President of the United States fancies himself a juvenile delinquent too stupid to run away from a power-hungry dipshit with a gun.
In order to get my mind off weeping for the future of this country, I surfed around one of my favorite websites, Listverse.com. Jamie Frater authored a piece about Eight Differences Between the 1950 and Now which offered the perfect fodder for another patented Dubsism comparison with the world of sports.
For purposes of clarity the Cultural Scenarios listed below are Frater’s; the Sports Scenarios are pure Dubsism.
Cultural Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
- 1950s: Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
- Today: School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Player is unhappy with contract and holds out for a renegotiated deal.
- 1950s: Player gets benched or released outright, and no other team picks him up because he is a pain in the ass.
- Today: Player’s contract is traded to a team who will knuckle under to his demands. New club realizes too late they’ve just spent 30% of their salary cap on a guy who will destroy their team.
Cultural Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
- 1950s: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
- Today: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Baseball player does a “take-out” slide into second base.
- 1950s: Guy who did the slide gets drilled in his next at-bat. All is considered even, and everybody moves on.
- Today: Two games later, pitcher lets a curveball slip inside. Pitcher is ejected, both benches empty, and about eight guys get suspended for what amounts to little more than a shoving match.
Cultural Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
- 195os: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
- Today: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: College player has a long record of disciplinary problems
- 1950s: Player never gets drafted because leagues won’t tolerate bad publicity.
- Today: Owner who just want to win signs player to bazillion-dollar contract, which he uses to by an AK-47 with which he shoots up a Wal-Mart. Owner then tries to claim “that he had no idea.”
Cultural Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
- 1950s: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
- Today: Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Star player gets picked up for his 3rd DUI.
- 1950s: Team either hires a baby-sitter to keep him out of trouble or he quietly gets sent to rehab in the off-season.
- Today: Player is suspended by the league, but does nothing about his alcoholism, which just means being suspended gives him more time to get shit-hammered and plow his SUV into a bus-load of nuns.
Cultural Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
- 1950s: Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
- Today: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Player shows up at training in best shape of his career, then has MVP-type season.
- 1950s: Player leads league, goes to All-Star Game, wins a championship, and marries a movie star.
- Today: Player leads league, goes to All-Star Game, wins a championship, makes a sex tape with a stripper, and gets accused of being on steroids.
Cultural Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
- 195os: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
- Today: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Football player fails pass college academic entrance exams.
- 1950s: Player discovers that inability to read means a life of loading boxes on the docks.
- Today: Player is sent to a junior college which pads his grade point average enough to get him into school. He then gets drafted, gets a 4 on the Wunderlich test, but still gets a $40 million contract.Blows all his money and ends up loading trucks at UPS.
Cultural Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
- 1950s: Ants die.
- Today: ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Famous athlete is charged with a serious crime.
- 1950s: Famous athlete discovers first hand what “Cool Hand Luke” was like, since he gets sentenced to 35 years on a chain gang.
- Today: Athlete hires 75 Harvard lawyers, crowds of idiots proclaim his innocence, then athlete writes a book.
Cultural Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
- 1950s: In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
- Today: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnny’s parents sue the school for negligence and the teacher for emotional trauma and win both cases. Mary, jobless and indebted, commits suicide by jumping off of a tall building. When she lands, she hits a car and also damages a potted plant. The car’s owner and the plant’s owner sue Mary’s estate for destruction of property. They both win.
Equivalent Sports Scenario: Kids gets hit by a ball during a Little League Game
- 1950s: Kid cries…at which point his coach, his parents, and every other kid on the team tells him to stop being such a “pussy.” Kids shakes it off, and grows up to be a man who can handle a little bit of adversity.
- Today: Kids’ parents sue the league out of existence. Every other league makes all kids wear a uniform made of Nerf and bubble wrap. As a result, an entire generation grows up to be even bigger pussies than the French. They go to liberal arts colleges, where a bunch of limped-dicked professors complete their pussification. Thanks to this indoctrination, most of them become Democrats, and one will get elected President, who then will complete the process of selling this country off to the Chinese.
While this may be a bit tongue-in-cheek, you know there is a shitload of truth in all of these examples, be they Frater’s or mine. Now, maybe you understand why I weep for the future of this country.