What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

I’m Not Sure Which Part of the Lane Kiffin Firing I Like More

To see the source of this picture, look up "Smarmy Fuckwad" in your dictionary.

To see the source of this picture, look up “Smarmy Fuckwad” in your dictionary.

Well, it seems that you just are not allowed to lose a t USC.  After the Trojans went 4-7 in their last 11, including Saturday night’s seal clubbing at Arizona State in which the Trojans were busted for 62 points,  it was clearly time for head coach Lane Kiffin to get fired.

When I say fired, I don’t mean “Hey, Lane, the athletic director wants to see you in his office 9 a.m. sharp Monday morning.” I mean the story is being reported that USC AD Pat Haden pulled the trigger on Kiffin at 3 a.m. Sunday after the team had returned from the slaughter in Tempe.

There’s so many parts to this story to love, I simply have no idea where to start with them all.

1) Just the fact that he got fired

"Leave the Kiffin...Take the Canoli."

“Leave the Kiffin…Take the Canoli.”

It’s no secret that the staff here at Dubsism has never had any love lost over Kiffykins. The guy has been a nuclear-powered douche-hammer ever since his days as Pete Carroll’s offensive coordinator at USC, but you have to give him credit,.  He did a nice job of hiding it for a while.  At first when he took the head coaching job with the Oakland Raiders,  it was easy to see how a relationship between him and Al Davis might not work, as Davis was well into his “Insane Crypt-Keeper” routine by then.

Then Kiffykins departed the Bay Area for the Orange of Rocky Top Tennessee.  At first, Kiffin inspired the Volunteer faithful with a lot bilge about how he was going to restore the gory days of Tennessee football if it meant he had to reincarnate General Neyland himself.

What nobody knew at the time he said shit like that, what he really meant that he was going to piss on all the old Tennessee traditions and essentially attempt to recreate USC in Knoxville.  In February of 2009, just a few months after Lane Kiffin’s tenure began at the University of Tennessee, players and booster were shocked to discover Kiffin had replaced a Tennessee highlight video with one from USC featuring the likes of Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart. Things only got worse from there, with allegations of shenanigans with Tennessee co-eds to an alleged late-night DUI incident that was hushed up by the university.

But it ‘s the whole “We are going to turn this into the USC of the South” which is the key here. Not only did that start the relationship between Kiffykins and just about every person in the Volunteer state off on the wrong bare foot, but when Kiffin split town in the middle of the night once the USC job became available, the die was cast.  To this day, Lane Kiffin is a reviled figure in Knoxville. Just search “Lane Kiffin Sewage Treatment Plant” and you’ll get the full picture.

2) He got fired in the middle of the night in the parking lot at the airport

At least they didn't do it at a tool booth.

At least they didn’t do it at a tool booth.

If that is how it went down…I’ve seen  mob hits that were done with more grace. Think about it.  How much would you have to piss off your boss to get whacked in an airport parking lot at three in the morning? you can’t tell me there wasn’t a lot of conversation about firing this guy that had been going for a while. Let’s start by looking at his record.

  • 2010: 8-5
  • 2011: 10-2
  • 2012: 7-6
  • 2013: 3-2

At first glance, that doesn’t look that bad.  But this whole situation started bad, and only got worse.  Upon arriving back in Southern California in 2010, Kiffin found himself faced with the NCAA sanctions that came down from the whole Reggie Bush situation, including the loss of 30 scholarships over three years and a two-year bowl ban. Despite that, Kiffin got the Trojans to an 8-5 record in his first year, and an impressive 10-2 mark in his second.  2012 started with USC as a national championship contender, but things quickly spiraled out of control after an early loss to Stanford which really derailed this team.  Things didn’t get any better as the season progressed, ultimately ending is a 7-6 mark.

The way 2012 ended had to put Kiffin in serious jeopardy. USC became the first AP pre-season #1 to lose five regular season games and finish unranked.  It surely didn’t help that three of those losses came at the hands of Stanford, UCLA, and Notre Dame; USC’s three biggest rivals.  A 21-7 loss to Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl just dug the grave a little deeper.

2013 didn’t start any better. Losing the home and Pac-12 opener to Washington State moved the Doomsday Clock still closer to midnight.  Immediately following that loss, the home crowd chanted “Fire Kiffin” as the team left the field. The came the debacle in Tempe.  The USC defense came into the Arizona State game 4th in the NCAA defense. That was until the Trojans gave up 602 yards and 8 touchdowns to the Sun Devils.

Apparently that was the “enough” moment for USC AD Pat Haden. Next thing you know, Kiffin gets pulled off the team bus at LAX and whacked like he was a mob informant. And it couldn’t happen to a better guy.

3) As fleeting as it may be, this means the return of Ed Orgeron to the ranks of head coaches

ed orgeron usc


Halle-fucking-lujah.  Bloggers and sports writers around the world, hear me plainly when I say this. If you are not familiar with Ed Orgeron, believe me when I tell you this man will be a fucking welll-spring of material. It was a sad day when he got fired at Ole Miss, because I was certain I’d ever see him as a head coach again.  So, let me take it upon myself to educate you on the wonderful ways of Coach O.

Let me start with my favorite YouTube video of all time. This was done by some guys on a radio show in Mississippi, and while hilarious, it also is a wonderful insight in to Coach O’s “go to” moves, and every day demeanor. Now, keeping that in mind, let’s take a look at the real Coach O in action in a car commercial.  Before you click the link, sit down because you may very well laugh yourself into a brain aneurysm.

When you break down those two videos, you might be inclined to think the impression of Orgeron in the song is a bit of exaggeration, until you see him in the car commercial. Then all you have to do is picture that guy pissed-off and giving a halftime speech, and getting something that comes off as “EEYAAAAWWWYAAAAWWWYAWW-FOOTBAWWWWW!!!” seems pretty plausible.

We’re not done with the commercial yet.  There’s way too much comedy gold in that baby to ignore. First of all, how do you not love Coach O’s “Buy a Hummer or I’ll fucking kill you” tone?  He’s already got his shirt sleeves rolled up so your blood doesn’t get on his cuffs.  Then, did you notice the hillbilly chase music in the background? They are either trying to sell me a Hummer, or this is a really odd re-make of Macon County Line.

As far as the Coach’s motivational techniques, for me the legend was born at Ole Miss when in a single team meeting, he called every player with an earring a “fucking pussy girl,” referred to the Cotton Bowl as “bullshit,” then the Coach culminated the meeting by ripping off his shirt and challenging “motherfucker” in the room to a fight.

So, let’s do the math.  Here’s a guy taking over a program headed for a meltdown of epic proportions, so you know there are going to be plenty of pain in the ass reporter asking a lot of pain in the ass questions.  Good Ol’ Ed doesn’t really strike you as the sort of guy whose going to have a lot of patience for that sort of shit, now does he?  As far as what the trip-wire will be, you guess is as good as ours, but guessing is oh so much fun. i’m going with a post-game press conference after a particularly tough loss where some ass-hat asks a question like “Coach, is this team’s performance a result of coaching or recruiting?” At this point, I expect Orgeron to turn green, explode out of his shirt,  and destroy everything in the room with his bare hands.  EEYAAAAWWWYAAAAWWWYAWW!!!


About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

2 comments on “I’m Not Sure Which Part of the Lane Kiffin Firing I Like More

  1. hdsnake867
    September 30, 2013

    Its not so much that Lane Kiffin got fired, but more importantly, who’s the douche nozzle that going to hire him next? Anyone? Anyone?


  2. Chris Humpherys
    September 30, 2013

    Let’s just say that, when news of the firing hit Knoxville, everybody in town raised a glass.


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This entry was posted on September 30, 2013 by in College Football, Sports and tagged , , , .

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