What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
It’s become a tradition here at Dubsism to bring in the New Year by taking a look back the old one. Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that.
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.
With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Sixth Annual Dubsy awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
For the second year in a row, our winner is an unfortunate reference to female genitalia. Ironically, our honorable mention is a woman named for a slang term for an erect penis. OK, I get this award is rapidly becoming an exercise in “Beavis and Butthead” type sophomorism, but “low-brow” humor is still humor. That’s why the Three Stooges and Benny Hill are immortal.
Previous Winner: Luca Cunti, Swiss Hockey Player
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
Let’s be honest…how many of us tire at seeing the antics of idiots in the background of a live TV shot? I think it is safe to say it is at least 95% of us. Now, if that many of us viewers feel that way, how do you think the broadcasters feel?
Enter Mike Zambelli, who during his attempt to do a live shot at Muzikfest in Bethlehem, PA, was accosted by a dipshit in a Batman T-Shirt.
The best part: Zambelli doesn’t even drop his microphone before he drops that dumbass.
Previous Winner: Barry Hinson, head basketball coach, Southern Illinois University
The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery
Mrs. Dubsism loves New Orleans. I think that except for an eight-block radius around the Hotel Monteleone, the place is an over-rated wasteland. The one thing we can agree on is the New Orleans Pelicans really don’t understand what the whole “mascot” thing is all about.
Last year’s Dubsy Award honorable mention in this category was Pierre the Pelican, who as I said then “looks like a love child borne of the San Diego Chicken and Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
Now, I’m not sure what a “King Cake” is supposed to be, but judging from that picture, the recipe has to be something akin to three parts creepy, two parts inexplicable, liberally frosted with bizarre. You explain it to me so we’ll both know.
As for the UC Bearcat, well…what else can you say for giving our country’s first president a full-on kick in his Founding Father parts?
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
Honestly, it doesn’t take the FBI crime lab borrowing NASA’s supercomputer to crack the code on how Donald Sterling iced himself. Anytime you get a lifetime ban from anything, let alone a “big-four”sports league, you pretty much screwed the pooch in a major way.
Brady Hoke has a few more career options left. He’ll likely never get another big-time coaching job, but he can always go on Saturday Night Live; he’s a perfect replacement for “Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker.”
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
The Ray Rice t-shirt is self-explanatory, so we really need to focus on honorable mention winner Richard Petty. The king of NASCAR was asked whether Danica Patrick would ever win a NASCAR Sprint Cup race. Without missing a beat, Petty replied “If everybody else stayed home.”
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
Remember about four months ago when the 49ers were a sexy pick to finally win a Super Bowl after so many deep playoffs runs under Jim Harbaugh? Well, as of this writing, Harbaugh made a run of his own to Michigan, the 49ers are out of the play-offs and are generally in danger of becoming a dumpster fire of the first order.
Then there’s “Captain Crab Legs McRapist” down in Tallahassee. We can forget about all of his off field bullshit, although the level of denial surrounding this kid by his coaches, fans, and the Tallahassee Police Department is nothing short of historic. What we can focus on is that as a quarterback, he’s really just Tim Tebow with a better arm. His athleticism allows him to get away with some serious fundamentally flawed football, but at the next level his consistent inability to get the ball in the same time zone as wide-open receivers couples with his Favrian proclivity to throw lots of stupid interceptions means somebody is going to waste a high draft pick and a lot of money on this clown.
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
During his eight years as the NFL’s Kommissar, Roger Goodell has deflected many crises that threatened the league’s integrity and public image, from player misconduct; the numerous arrests, drug use, and the entire Michael Vick fiasco for starters. Then there’s the matter of organizational misconduct, like teams spying on opponents or allegedly offering bounties to injure opponents. Let’s not forget the lockout, and the fact that right now relations between the NFL and the players union are as bad as they’ve ever been.
But the Kommissar has survived all that, largely because the NFL owners have been pleased with the league’s soaring revenue under Goodell’s stewardship. Their calculation is that the profits are worth any setbacks that result from a crisis-management style that has been called everything from clumsy to conspiratorial.
However, it is one bit of video taken in an Atlantic City elevator that is the genesis for changing all that. I’m saying it will happen overnight, but the NFL is really at a point where it can’t afford anymore public relations hits, but the aforementioned crisis-management style has several such hits lined up on the horizon. It was Goodell’s fumbling of the Ray Rice situation that opened the cracks in the NFL’s facade, and unless there is a dramatic shift in the NFL’s handling of these matters, those cracks will grow.
I know that most Americans don’t care about soccer, but the level of corruption at FIFA, the sport’s governing body, makes the chicanery happening at the NCAA look like Beaver Cleaver shooting marbles with Lumpy Rutherford. The shit-storm surrounding the 2022 World Cup is just the beginning.
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
You can thank the Royals for pounding the last nail in to Bud Selig’s “small market” fallacy. Kansas City ended a 29-year playoff drought and captured the American League pennant with the 18th-ranked payroll in all of baseball. In comparison, the Phillies spent twice what the Royals did only to finish in last place.
As for Snyder, what else can you say about a billionaire who gives his employee’s bags of apples for a Christmas bonus?
Previous Winner: The Jacksonville Jaguars (nominated by Ryan Meehan of Sports Blog Movement)
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
A few awards ago, we referred to the San Francisco 49ers as a “dumpster fire waiting to happen.” Well, the New York Jets have already happened, and we are actually happy for Rex Ryan that he finally gets to escape the nightmare that is Woody Johnson’s football team.
Ryan spent far too much of his time in New York taking the blame for the dumb shit too many others in that organization did. Ryan somehow managed to get the Jets to two AFC Championship games with Mark Sanchez as his quarterback. Let that sink in for a moment. After you’ve pondered that, remember that it was Ryan who went to then-general manager Mike Tannebaum stating he needed a quarterback. Tannebaum’s response? He traded for Tim Tebow.
Not so surprisingly, Tannebaum gets fired. Ryan goes to new GM John Izdik, and tells him he still needs a quarterback. Izdik’s response? He signs Michael Vick and drafts Geno Smith.
Not so surprisingly, that got Izdik fired; thankfully it also got Ryan out of that nightmare as well. As we are writing this, Ryan already has interviews lined up for other head coaching jobs. Izdik and Tannebaum can likely be seen pushing carts at a Wal-Mart near you.
Meanwhile in Chicago, Rick Renteria is just another in a long line of guys brought into the Cubs’ organization who were expected to make the proverbial silk purse out of a sow’s ear, and get fired in just a few seasons when they can’t do it. You knew the minute Joe Maddon said he wanted out of Tampa that Renteria started boxing up his office.
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
It doesn’t matter if you are a billion-time gold medal winner, when there are pictures of you wearing backward baseball cap hitting the bottle straight off the threads, nobody is going to be surprised when they read about your DUI arrest.
Fuzzy Thurston actually played in the NFL during the Bobby Layne era. Thurston was an offensive guard for the Green Bay Packers during their glory days under Vince Lombardi. Before his death last month, Thurston admitted that in order to stay warm during the infamous “Ice Bowl” NFL Championship game against the Dallas Cowboys in 1967, he drank “about ten vodkas” before the game.
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
I’m not really sure what that is on Payton’s head…it could be hair, or it could be a new miracle cleaning sponge being hawked to me via a late-night infomercial.
Call me a sentimentalist, but since I am pretty sure we’ve seen the last of Brian Wilson in the major leagues, it was high time his “Crazy Jesus” look got some recognition.
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
History was almost made this year as Johnny Football almost became the first person to win back-to-back Dubsy Awards in the same category. It took a guy almost killing himself during a Super Bowl parade to top him.
See the guy about to plop off that “Duck” amphibious vehicle? That’s Marshawn Lynch, who is dangerously close to plummeting about seven feet to the pavement and under the wheels of a ten-ton vehicle all for his want of a bottle of Fireball.
But let’s not worry about Johnny Manziel. He’s got several Dubsy awards in his future (makes “money” gesture).
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievment
This is a story of big guys succeeding while heading in different directions. Keeping true to the theme of this award, Jared Lorenzen is doing something which has never been done before; he’s enjoying a career as a professional football quarterback while tipping the scales at somewhere over 320 pounds.
Many of you may not remember Lorenzen, but he set all sorts of passing records at the University of Kentucky, while racking up awesome nicknames like “The Battleship Lorenzen,” “The Pillsbury Throwboy,” and “The Round Mound of Touchdown.” More importantly, he has a Super Bowl ring from being Eli Maning’s back-up on the 2007 New York Giants.
Our favorite tale of yore about Lorenzen is that he was such a strong-armed guy in college that he would routinely win bets by kneeling at the 30-yard line and wrist-snapping spirals through the far-end goal post. As impressive as that sounds, that was then and this is now. Look at the following video, and note two things. First, pay attention to the nimble footwork on a guy who weighs as much as three teenage ballerinas. Then take note of how he trucks at least three dudes on his way to the end zone.
On the honorable mention side, we are more than literally going in the opposite direction. Alan Fancea was a Pro Bowl guard for both the Pittsburgh Steelers, New York Jets, and Arizona Cardinals. Like Lorenzen, he also has a Super Bowl ring. But his post-football career has taken a decidedly different turn.
This year, Faneca completed his aprés-NFL metamorphosis by finishing his hometown New Orleans marathon in under four hours. The fact that he shed over 100 pounds training for that 26-mile torture-fest made him almost unrecognizable.
The only time I can recall such an odd transformation it was in reverse; Aaron Wahle went to the Naval Academy as a 187-pound wide receiver and joined the Green Bay Packers as a 320-pound guard.
All in all, it doesn’t matter because once you are a big guy, you are always a big guy at heart. More importantly, you are always a big guy in the eyes of the Dubsy committee.
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
If you’ve been a regular reader of Dubsism, then you know this blog was the home of the Jamie Moyer for the Hall of Fame campaign. Given that, it only makes sense that since we have an award for the accomplishments of big guys, we should have one for old guys. Who else could we name an old guy award for than the oldest player to tally a major league run, RBI, and win?
With that, the inaugural winner of the Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics is PGA legend Fred Couples.
It’s been a badly-kept secret throughout the ranks of professional golfers that while Freddie is still showing up on leader boards at major tournaments, his real status for pulling in this award is that at age 54, Freddie is still a legendary “ladies man.” His exploits have gone from PGA legend to discussion on mainstream outlets like the Dan Patrick Show.
Doubt that? Then peek this picture of Freddie with his latest smoke-show girlfriend.
Face it. Freddie is taking “selfies” with chicks he’s nailed, which is miles apart from the “selfie” you are going to do with those pictures. Oh, and when he’s done banging hot chicks all night long, he makes the cut at major golf tournaments.
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
The picture pretty much says it all.
Not only is that a “Fail” of epic proportions, but the explanation the Patriots tried to sell was so lame Jerry Lewis should be doing a telethon for it.
The New England Patriots racist tweet appeared Thursday afternoon as the Patriots were commemorating their one millionth Twitter follower. The celebration seemed cool: have fans retweet their milestone message for the chance to have that fan’s Twitter handle “printed” on a New England Patriots jersey.
Seems innocent enough, right? It would have been, if some inconsiderate person hadn’t created a Twitter handle of @Ihate[The N word] and used the account to retweet the Patriots’ message.
Just like that, the racial slur embedded in a Twitter handle was printed on a Patriots jersey and automatically appeared on the team’s Twitter feed, generating what appeared to be a New England Patriots racist tweet. In reality the team had nothing to do with the tweet itself, though its own promotion and automation software did enable the post to appear in the official Patriots feed for one million fans (and other onlookers) to see.
So, what the Patriots want me to believe is they let somebody automate the use of their brand, and they didn’t bother to check up on what was happening with it until it was too late? Next thing you know, they’ll expect me to believe they had a murderer on their roster and didn’t know it.
Capturing soccer’s most prestigious trophy on home soil wasn’t a goal for the Brazilians; it was a goddamn expectation. Anything less than a World Cup win on home soil would be seen as nothing short of failure, but nobody was ready for how epic the Brazilian collapse would be.
Don’t forget Brazil is the country with soccer’s proudest tradition — five World Cup titles, more than any other nation. For them to get prison-raped 7-1 in a semi-final match against Germany on their own soil was one of the greatest shocks in soccer history. Worse yet, the Brazilians barely had time to recover from that drubbing before they laid out another dreadful performance against the Netherlands 3-0 to drop the third-place playoff.
Previous Winner: The Houston Texans (nominated by Chris Humpherys of SportsChump)
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
Both of these injuries are pretty rough, which is why this was easily the closest decision in the history of the Dubsy Awards. That’s why we went with co-winners here. We couldn’t decide, so now you can decide for yourself.
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Long-time NFL head coach Marty Schottenheimer
This award is given annually to somebody who has been around forever, but never won anything as a head coach or player. Simply put, nobody has more wins as a coach in the Super Bowl era without capturing a championship than Schottenheimer.
Over his career, Schottenheimer coached the Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, and San Diego Chargers. It was the Chargers who fired him in 2007 after he led them 14–2 record, but they suffered a second-round play-off loss.
In 21 years as an NFL head coach, Schottenheimer won 200 regular season games, but was only 5-18 in the playoffs. and 5 out of 18 games in the postseason. He had only two seasons with more losses than wins in his entire career, and neither of those happened until his 15th season, going 7-9 withthe Chiefs in 1998. The Browns finished with a losing record in his first season in 1984, but they were 4-4 after Schottenheimer replaced the fired Sam Rutigliano.
Schottenheimer also boasts a rather impressive coaching tree, including Super Bowl winners Bill Cowher, Mike McCarthy, Mike Tomlin, and Tony Dungy; as well as notables such as Cam Cameron, Herm Edwards, Marvin Lewis, Ken Whisenhunt, Lovie Smith, and Rod Marinelli.
Despite that, it is the absence of that Super Bowl ring that gets Schottenheimer this Dubsy award.
Previous Winner: NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley
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Another fabulous year end ceremony as always, Dub.
I wanna walk into a Brazilian steakhouse with Lorenzen just to see what happens.
Why hasn’t this guy hit the Nathan’s July 4th hot dog eating contest? Makes perfect sense to me. Then he can finally add his name to the greatest two-sport athletes of all-time… over 400 lbs.
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As I was preparing my 2015 Joe Shlabotnik Award for bad baseball I recalled you always had the Dubsy Awards. I want to nominate all three of my candidates for the ’15 Shlabotnik for 2015 Dubsy Awards at year’s end. The gruesome Phillies, the meltdown Nationals…and the God-forsaken win-or-go-home Wild Card Games. I enjoyed catching up on these.
Around the first of December, we release the nominations for the Dubsy awards. Get them in then!