What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
We had another week of crappy NFL action, which means another week of crappy NFL coaching. Somebody needs to put these guys out of all our misery.
Every week, I have music in my head when I write this piece. Sometimes it’s “Funeral March of a Marionette,” which is the theme to the television classic “Alfred Hitchcock Presents.” Other times, the “Benny Hill” staple “Yakety Sax.” A universal them for all these walking dead men could be “The End” by the Doors.
If you couldn’t tell, this week theme is once again music-related. It’s really too bad rap music sucks, because an homage to Suge Knight’s “Death Row” records would be way too perfect here. Either way, here’s this week’s edition, complete with our theme for each coach soon to be filling out a job application at K-Mart, which is ironically the best place to fish the cheap music bin.
1) Jim Caldwell
His Theme Song: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
The song even mentions Detroit. Is there a better metaphor for the Lions than a bunch of guys drowning like rats because their ship broke in half?
The Lions hadn’t won in Green Bay since 1991. To put how long ago that was in persepective, consider the following. The last time the Motor City Kitties walked away from Lambeau with a win, Barry Sanders was in his 3rd season and Erik Kramer was the quarterback for Detroit. Mike Tomczak was on the other side for the Pack. Some of you may need to Google those guys. But Sunday, the Lions broke that streak. Not for lack of trying, though.
The Lions tried EVERYTHING to give that game away. From 2 missed extra points to penalties to botching an onside kick, Detroit was Detroit, and the fact that they still somehow held on says more about the state of affairs in Green Bay right now than anything the toothless Lions did.
By the way, speaking of the onside kick (and stuff to Google), did any of you Colts fans have a flashback to Hank Baskett in that Super Bowl against the Saints? Both of those bonehead-jobs were brought to you by “Stone-Face” Caldwell. At least in the Super Bowl, that was a surprise move, unlike this one which even Stevie Wonder saw coming and they still botched it.
2) Mike Pettine
His Theme Song: The Opus From “Major League”
When something is a disaster, people love to use the shopworn term “dumpster fire.” The opening scene to that move reminds us that Cleveland is such a disaster that they managed to set their river on fire. Only in a city where you can burn the fucking river can a football team knock out the other team’s starting quarterback and have the back-up be Ben Roethlisberger. Not only did Big Ben come off the bench, but in a week where he didn’t practice and was the backup because he had an injury in the first place, the Browns allowed him to throw for 370 yards, if for no other reason because they let Antonio Brown run wild through their secondary like he was a gazelle escaping a retarded cheetah. ,
I’m not sure if Pettine reads this weekly piece or if he got orders from above, but he finally committed to Johnny Manziel for the remainder of the season. I’m not sure what took him so long, but it’s still not going to save him. Pettine is just playing out the string, and next year Cleveland will find yet another coach and probably another quarterback, both of whom will suck. In other words, the Cleveland shit-cycle continues.
If you ever wondered why that cycle exists and may never be broken (cue the “Benny Hill” music while you read this), back around the trade deadline there were stories circulating which really illustrated how this organization works. The word was there were teams interested in a few of their players, most notably uber-offensive lineman Joe Thomas.
The problem was that general manager Ray Farmer didn’t have the autonomy to make trades. When teams came calling, he had to check with others in the organization, most notably Pettine. Think about that. How can making trades to build for the possibly appeal to a guy coaching for his job NOW? How long before they burn down the river again?
3) Chuck Pagano
His Theme Song: Rain on the Scarecrow
John Mellencamp is from Indiana, and this classic tune might just be the most depressing song this side of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Conjuring images of farmers getting run of their land by bankers resonates in a largely agricultural state, and when you have a guy like Chuck Pagano taking away the quality of their Sunday entertainment, the pitchforks could come out quick.
The Chuckster didn’t do anything of note during his bye week, except pooping his pants when he woke up Tuesday to see the Colts are now tied with Houston in the laugh-riot known as the AFC South. Everything else aside, if Colts don’t make the playoffs, Pagano and general manager Ryan Grigson are for sure gone.
4) Jim Tomsula
His Theme Song: I Like Big Tits
Let’s be honest…who doesn’t? Let’s be even more honest…Jim Tomsula looks like he might be sporting a solid set of Bruce Jenner C-cups under that windshirt. That might help Jimbo keep his job.
It will be interesting to see how Tomsula comes out of his first bye week as a head coach, especially since they are coming off a win against a decent if not good Atlanta team. They head to a place which was once impossible to get a road win…that was before the Seahawks reverted to Seachickens mode. A road win in Seattle could guarantee a return engagement for Jimbo.
5) Bill O’Brien
His Theme Song: You’ve Got a Friend in Pennsylvania
Billy O had a big week, but sometimes you really wonder if he wishes he never left Penn State. He was a rock star in State College, then he traded that for the “greener” pastures of the NFL. After the under-achieving start, the two 35+ point blowouts, the turmoil at quarterback, and the loss of Arian Foster for the season (again) to injury, O’Brien found himself tied for the lead in his division after beating the Bengals on the road. Billy O also has the window of opportunity about the Colts not having Andrew Luck for an extended period. Now, we get to see if he can get his team to win a race in mediocrity.
I know he lost Sam Bradford this week, and we still don’t know for how long, but some would say that’s addition by subtraction anyway.
This makes the 3rd time that Coughlin has mismanaged the clock at the end of a game. You absolutely can NOT give Tom Brady 1:47 at the end of a game, especially when he only needs a field goal. The Giants haven’t made the playoffs since winning the Super Bowl in 2011, and that streak will continue if Coughlin keeps making those kinds of mistakes.
I know the Chargers have looked like the 4077th, but they’ve also had some super human efforts from Philip Rivers, including a game in Green Bay where he threw for 500 yards, didn’t turn the ball over, and still lost.
-You can follow JFI on Twitter @jbhickle