Dubsism

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Coaches’ Death Watch: Week 5 – The “Turkey Day” Edition

caoches death watch walking dead

By Jason From Indiana

Thanksgiving is upon us. It is time to reflect on the things for which we are thankful. For me, that would be the continued buffoonery of NFL head coaches. Just like sitting down to that Thanksgiving feast, it is time for me to bust my pants on the meal that is the NFL Coach’s Death Watch.

1) Chip Kelly *NEW*

CHIP KELLY TURKEY LOAF

“Of course, Chip’s Turkey Loaf ain’t got no dark meat in it, if you know what I’m sayin'” ~ Stephen A. Smith

I got this idea from a recent podcast in which J-Dub called Chip Kelly “a talking turkey-loaf.” Frankly, I’m surprised he was that mild.  I was actually expecting something more like “a pile of infected pig shit in a visor.”

Anyway, the question becomes how does one go from honorable mention to #1 on the charts?  Well, you start by losing back to back home games to Miami and Tampa Bay.  As if being out-coached by “Man” Campbell wasn’t bad enough, Kelly out did himself by getting obliterated by Jameis Winston. Five touchdown passes from Winston, plus over 200 rushing yards  by Doug Martin show that not all of the Eagles problems are on offense.

Kelly has dismantled this franchise piece by piece, parting ways with DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, replacing the franchise’s leading rusher in LeSean McCoy with DeMarco Murray, and trading Nick Foles for Sam Bradford, a.k.a. the poster child for ObamaCare.  Most football fans, myself included, think Kelly is much better suited for college, and with several desirable jobs open, I can’r see any scenario right now where Kelly isn’t on some college campus next year.

Of course, J-Dub made his feelings clear in Episode #27 of Radio J-Dub, along with Bruce Burns from sportsattitudes.  It a tremendous listen if you are curious as to what two-old-school Eagles fans think about not just the Chip-ster, but the franchise and it’s history in general.

If that weren’t enough, there’s J-Dub’s new vanity license plate…

CHIP KELLY LICENSE PLATE

2.) Jeff Fisher *NEW*

Here’s another guy making a high debut on this list.  He wasn’t even an honorable mention, now he’s heading right up Chip Kelly’s tailpipe.

Why is that?  It dawned on me as I was watching the Rams lose to a  two-win team with a one-legged quarterback, “What’s Jeff Fisher done on St Louis?”  The answer is “Little to nothing.”  Every year we hear about how fearsome their defense is, and how they are everyone’s dark horse pick to make the playoffs.  Every year, that doesn’t happen.

The Fisher apologists will point out he doesn’t have a quarterback, but that’s his own fault.  Don’t forget, he traded for Nick Foles in the belief he’d solved that problem.  The Rams got a king’s ransom for the draft pick Washington used to draft RGIII, and so far the only dividend that’s paid is Todd Gurley.  Sure, he’s looks like the second coming of Adrian Peterson, but that team has so many offensive holes they really needed to get more than one horse out of that trade.

jeff fisher beer pack

The bottom line is Fisher has been coasting on the fumes of that near miss in the Super Bowl with Tennessee, and it’s just about time for him to go back to his true calling: being a guy in the infield of a NASCAR race chugging Busch Light, dribbling just so much of it on his Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt.

3) Mike McCoy *NEW*

Nothing good ever comes from losing your lunch at Andy's Big Boy.

Nothing good ever comes from losing your lunch at Andy’s Big Boy.

What does it tell you about this league to have three coaches all making debuts at the top of the list? McCoy was an honorable mention on this list last week, and after watching the Chargers puke up a lung at home against Andy’s Big Boy, there was really no choice but to move him up the list.  I like Philip Rivers., and I always have.  But I also  feel like he’s been saddled with some pretty bad coaches in his career.  You start with Marty Schottenheimer, go through Norv Turner, and end up with McCoy.

I rarely say this, but it looks to me like the Chargers have quit. I had a flashback to the Dolphins in their last game under Joe Philbin.  San Diego was getting destroyed by a team that really isn’t that much better than them just like the Dolphins did.  The Chargers must not have a “Dan Campbell” quality guy on their staff.

4.) Chuck Pagano

Hasselbeck may look like "Egghead" but the guy who isn't going to get put back together is H. Dumpty Pagano

Hasselbeck may look like “Egghead” but the guy who isn’t going to get put back together is H. Dumpty Pagano

I know the Colts won this week with “Egghead” Hasslebeck at quarterback, but if you actually watched the game, you’d easily see it wasn’t the Colts winning that game as much as it was Matt Ryan wrapping it up, putting a bow on it, and putting it under Pagano’s Christmas tree.  How inept are the Colts?  Consider this: the only thing keeping the Jacksonville Jaguars from being at last tied for the lead in this dog-food division is a couple of bad kicks in Indianapolis.  Think about that for a minute.  The Colts were a favorite choice to win the AFC, and as of this writing they are stuck in lock-step with crap teams like Houston and the Jags.

It’s just a matter of time before Jim Irsay sends everybody out fishing with Fredo Corleone.

5) Mike Pettine

I feel bad for Pettine. For one thing, he’s the coach of the Cleveland Browns.  The only job in sports worse than that is being the head coach of the Washington Generals. For another, after weeks of me saying he needed to name Johnny Manziel the starter for the rest of the year, he finally does it, only to have video of Manziel surfacing during the bye in which his supposedly-rehabbed quarterback is seen holding bottles of champagne at a club.  Regardless of what you think of this, this is just another head-ache Pettine doesn’t need.  Let’s hope he isn’t a stress-eater, because Cleveland is to fine dining what Enid, Oklahoma is to ballet.

Come enjoy the finest dining Cleveland has to offer. We can neither confirm nor deny if that's Andy Reid in that photo.

Come enjoy the finest dining Cleveland has to offer. We can neither confirm nor deny if that’s Andy Reid in that photo.

Any, the point here is while I am far from being the “morality police,” and while I have always been a defender of Manziel, I can’t get past the fact he went to a lengthy rehab stint only to produce more of the same stuff that landed him in spin-dry in the first place.  The whole idea of rehab is you get a fresh start, then you show us why we should invest trust in you again by talking the talk AND walking the walk.  Once given his chance to prove the doubters wrong, he stumble-fucks his way back into the headlines. As if Mike Pettine doesn’t already have enough problems.

I’m not saying that he was doing anything wrong necessarily, but Manziel has got to realize in our media-driven and celebrity-obsessed culture, everything you do outside of your own home is liable to be captured by some dick-hole with a camera-phone. Couple that with the fact that Manziel is likely the biggest celebrity on Cleveland this side of some guy named LeBron, and there’s just really no excusing this kind of brain fart, unless it is proven the video is out-dated or is somehow otherwise not current and/or genuine.

But even if we find out the video is somehow bogus, there’s still the matter that just a few weeks back, there was talk of an investigation regarding a possible domestic incident.  The bottom line here is that while rehab is supposed to let you put out your fires, Johnny Football still seems to have a cloud of smoke around him.

Boil it all down to gravy, and what this means to Pettine is pretty clear.  He has no choice but to bench Manziel just in time for the Browns sole Monday Night appearance of the season.  That’s just another log on the fire that is cooking Pettine’s goose as we speak. History says Pettine will be out after not really being given a chance, much like his predecessors going all the way back to Eric Mangini…another guy who discovered who shitty the food is in Cleveland.

Mmmm...clear gravy (barf noise)

Mmmm…clear gravy (barf noise)

The “Circling the Drain” Club

After you gorge yourself this Thanksgiving, remember there’s always somebody who has to clean up.  More importantly, the metaphor here is if a coach is on this list, he’s likely already been washed down into the garbage disposal to await his fate once the switch is hit.

But that also doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about the guys who while no longer on the list are still “circling the drain.” That means guys like Jim Tomsula and Bill O’Brien might be on the way to saving their skins, but only time will tell.  Much like we had several guys make initial appearances high on the list, I must mention previous #1 Jim Caldwell, who if the Lions beat the Eagles today, Detroit will have won three straight since “Martha’s Massacre.”  That’s a whole new team, and one which hasn’t laid down like the Chargers or the Dolphins before them.

No matter how you slice it, things change in this league faster than the spinning blades at the bottom of the drain.  That’s why you need to keep checking back here at Dubsism to stay on top of the garbage disposal that is the NFL.

-You can follow JFI on Twitter @jbhickle

About JFI

I tend to think outside the box and question mainstream thinking.

2 comments on “Coaches’ Death Watch: Week 5 – The “Turkey Day” Edition

  1. sportsattitudes
    November 26, 2015

    Jason, great list…and I of course hope that Chip Kelly hot seat becomes an ejection seat. Thanks also for the mention my friend. Have a great T-Day for you and yours!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ravenation
    November 26, 2015

    Reblogged this on First Order Historians and commented:
    A fantastic article now available on Dubsism. You’re going to want to check this one out for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

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