Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming. That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed. In that spirit, we here at Dubsism have assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible, moderated by Dubsism’s very own J-Dub.
You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward (with the notable exception of Von Schamann). This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?
With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.
For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80’s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career. Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it. Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so including him on the panel was a no-brainer. What’s the worst that could happen?
Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.
After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.
America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.
After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970’s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.
J-Dub: The first item I have for you gentlemen…Since you were all kickers, tell me your thoughts on the surprise release before the season of Chicago Bears kicker Robbie Gould, who had been the Bears place-kicker for 11 seasons.
Haji-Shiekh: That pisses me off. You have no idea idea how many times I heard “Ali Haji-Shank” in the Meadowlands after missing a field goal; can you imagine what New York fans would have done to me had my playing career been AFTER 9/11? Hell, on 9/12, I had every jerk-off at my job asking me if I was going crash my floor-buffer into something, and I’m not even one of those assloafs that wears a dishrag on his head and looks like he shaves with a fork.
Where do you get off busting a placekicker’s balls whenever they miss? Like you never screwed up at your job. Not to mention, how far did you get as a football player? JV tight end? How many top quality chicks have you nailed? Yeah, I thought so. Let me tell you something. In college, anybody with the football team gets more ass than a toilet seat. My senior year, we let Dan Dierdorf’s kid help out the equipment manager; within two weeks this poor kid got “The Clap,” and he was like 13 years old.
On the field or off, placekickers are all about scoring. We always lead the league in scoring, especially with all the other players’ women. Back in my day, when all the “real” players had all those practices where they ran around until they puked, I’d chip a few short field goals, maybe hit a few golf balls, then I’d go bang Phil Simms’ wife. Your bloated ass couldn’t do that, even if we could set the time-machine to 50, 000 Big Macs ago. Kickers are finely tuned athletes, while you couldn’t get the ball off the goddamn ground without snapping a hamstring.
Gould missed a few kicks in games that don’t matter. Those cheap cocksuckers just didn’t what to pay him 10-year veteran money when they can pay some little fuck who shaves with a butter knife.
J-Dub: That brings up a great point. How about kickers getting a lot of shit when they miss kicks at the end of the game? We saw a few of those is Week One.
Danmeier: Yeah, ain’t nobody ever bitches about somebody droppin’ a game-winnin’ touchdown catch if it ain’t the last play of the game. But a kicker goes an’ misses a kick, an’ he gets treated just like this deformed mule ol’ man Haugen had a few years back. That thing was so butt-ugly it hurt yer eyes to look at it. But it sure had some kick though, kinda like this Gould feller. But the poor thing was so retarded every time it peed, it fell right over.
J-Dub: I see more nodding, so we will move on to the next topic. Let’s talk about your Vikings, Rick.
Danmeier: It’s hard to reckon what they really are now. Hard to tell if you’re any good beating up on Tennessee. I suppose you want to talk about the Bradford trade?
Haji-Shiekh: What a stupid deal that was. I mean, you can win with a shit quarterback. My Giants have won two Super Bowls with a retard who gives away interceptions like those Port Authority whores give away cheap blow-jobs. Anybody who makes the motherfucking Philadelphia Eagles look smart can lick the spooge off the bottom of my floor-buffer. But at least we aren’t talking about Danmeier’s mule again. If I wanted to know this much about a donkey, I’d ask Herrera about the one his sister works with in Tijuana.
Herrera: Chinga te, pendejo! (belches drunkenly, then opens what unbeknownst to us was his 23rd Tecate of the day)
Von Schamann: The question of der Wikingers is a tough one, my little hausmeister. While the Eagles really don’t have immediate expectations, the Vikings feel like they are a playoff contender right now. Whether that is true or not matters little; it is their perception. Frankly, once they lost Bridgewater, they became just another hapless team.
Igwebuike: Listen up, fools! The only reason the anybody anybody would pay two draft picks to get Sam Bradford is desperation. They only got a few years left with Adrian Peterson. If they are going to win with him, they got to do it now.
Herrera: Let us ride while Los Vikingos are weak; we take their land and their women! Muerte a Los Vikingsos! Ayayayay! (sprays beer into the air)
Haji-Shiekh: What the hell is this? Just because I’m a janitor doesn’t mean I’m cleaning up the “Mexican Drinking Bean” over here!
Von Schamann: Actually, I agree with the Generalissimo. Der Wikingers have wasted much money and resources in recent years. They are ripe for blitzkrieg. It may be wise to strike and annhiliate them now, and take their brand new stadium as the spoils of war.
Igwebuike: I’m always up for a fight, Hannibal…uh…I mean Mr. Von Schamann, but I ain’t getting on no airplane!
J-Dub: Let’s get out of this topic before it gets any uglier in here.
Haji-Shiekh: You mean uglier than “El Drunko Loco” or “Webster on steroids with a mohawk” over here?
Igwebuike: Or uglier than some (expletive deleted – suffice it to say it suggested Mr. Haji-Shiekh may enjoy performing unnatural acts with a camel).
J-Dub: (waving hands frantically) Alright, Alright, Alright! We are moving on! Gentlemen, who do you like as contestants in this season’s Super Bowl?
Von Schamann: Gentlemen, please…I agree with der moderator. Let’s stay on the topic at hand here, which is how are we all going to escape to Argentina once the Russians get here…er…I mean, what do we think of das Profifußball-Meisterschaft?
Haji-Shiekh: I’m going to assume that “das-what-the-hell-ever-shaft” means “Super Bowl?”
Von Schamann: Ya, my little kamelbumser… After what happened Sunday night, we have to talk about der Patrioten. They aren’t as dominant as der Wehrmacht that rolled across Poland, but they are winning without their Field Marshal.
J-Dub: “Field Marshal” Brady?
Von Schamann: Oh, we Germans call our coaches “Field Marshal” all the time…it is a term of affection.
Danmeier: You mean kinda like how we call your Field Marshals “loser?”
Von Schamann: Herr Danmeier, why do you fight me so much? After all, you are also of good Aryan breeding. You understand the importance of the kicking game, even in your “traditional” ways. You could be a valued asset to the new Reich.
Danmeier: Yeah, an’ let me tell you somethin’ there, Fritz. My ancestors got kicked out of “the Fatherland” because we wouldn’t kick the ball in that sideways, girly way you have of kickin’ the ball you stole from them soccer-playin’ fellers. Well, me and my daddy before me, and his daddy before him, we all kicked straight-on, like real men are supposed to. And I’ll tell ya somethin’ else, Mr. Heinie Kraut…
Haji-Shiekh: Enough already! You two can re-enact World War II on your own time. And as for that “girly” way of kicking? Like it’s the soccer players’ fault somebody thought about the ability to make a field goal from longer than 30 yards.
Danmeier: Is that why all them Giants fans called you “Ali Haji-Shank?”
Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand) See that? Know what that is? That’s a Super Bowl ring. Bet you didn’t know that since the Vikings’ trophy case is as blank as the look on your mothers’ face when they told her you didn’t die at birth.
Danmeier: An’ I also didn’t know you hadn’t sold that ring for some cheap booze.
Herrera: (slowly regains consciousness) Otra cerveza, por favor! (slowly loses consciousness)
Haji-Shiekh: Yeah, like I’m the one who only pops back to life whenever somebody mentions liquor like “Jose Cuervo” over here (points toward Herrera)
Herrera: (Unitelligible grunt)
J-Dub: Let’s get to the two panelists who haven’t weighed in on this yet. Donald, what was your big take-away from Week One?
Igwebuike: It’s too hard to tell what we’ve got in this league right now. Nobody is really good, and a few teams are really bad, but mostly everybody is pretty blah.
J-Dub: What about you, Efren?
Herrera: Gigantes batió el Dodgeros – cuatro juegos a tres. (vomits slightly on shirt)
Haji-Shiekh: Why is it the only words you can ever understand from this guy are “Dodgeros” and “cerveza?” Does he even know we’re not talking about baseball? And somebody get him a bib, would you? I mean, it’s bad enough all the drunk puke I have to mop up at the Port Authority. Now, I’ve got to do it here, too?
Igwebuike: Why don’t you shut up before I mop you up, asshole?
J-Dub: (interrupts) Rapid fire round here -Biggest surprise from Week One? Rick, you go first.
Danmeier: How bad them Rams look.
Von Schamann: Der Patrioten winning with their “B-team.”
Haji-Shiekh: That the Jets can look so improved, and yet still look like the Jets.
Igwebuike: Jamies Winston will be the best quarterback in the NFL in two years.
Haji-Shiekh: Figures that a guy who looks like a cross between a steroid case and a Swahili lawn gnome would get this wrong. He didn’t ask for a prediction, shithead. Besides, you got the pumpkins to put your money where your mouth is, Webster? Or won’t they take that 4-karat crap you call “bling” at the pawn shop anymore?
Igwebuike: Like you got anything I want, fool! Unless those bus station crappers you clean are all-of-a-sudden clogged with gold cuff links.
Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand again) Yeah, because nobody wants a Super Bowl ring! And what the hell are you going to do with cufflinks? You don’t even have sleeves, bristle-head!
Herrera: (firing pistol into ceiling) Arriba!
Moderator’s Note: It wasn’t until Herrera decided to do his Yosemite Sam impersonation that we realized he’d been hitting the Tecate all day long. Had we known that, we would would have found a topic that resulted in earlier gunplay.
Be sure to send us topics you would like to see the Ex-Kickers Round Table discuss in the future!
Email Dubsism at firstname.lastname@example.org, and follow us @Dubsism on Twitter, or on our Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook pages.