Raise Your Hand If You Thought Super Bowl LI Sucked
One of the beautiful things about being a blogger is you always need to keep a general idea of things you’ve put on record in the past. This time, it’s easy because I only said it yesterday.
That was when I told the world I was “going Super Bowl vegan” by refusing to watch the game. After I heard about the “historic comeback” waged by the New England Patriots, I fell back to the recording on my DVR for just such emergencies. Being fed up with the quality of the NFL is one things, but as a blogger, I can’t afford to miss potential story lines. So, as I’m scanning through this game, a conclusion hit me harder than Ray Rice punching one of Michael Vick’s puppies.
If you read the headline to this piece, and you have your hand in the air…congratulations, you are not a moron.
I asked for the show of hands because this country is in immediate need of a fool-proof system for identifying stupid people. Even if we have to go as far as a Hester Prynne-ish “Scarlet Letter,” we need the ability to immediately visually distinguish people whose opinions shouldn’t be listened to because they are simply too dumb to matter.
The Scarlet Letter – A practical way of eliminating the guesswork
Here’s a great place to start. Ask anybody who watched yesterday’s Super Bowl what they thought of the performances of the Patriots and the Falcons. Anybody who says that game was “the greatest Super Bowl ever” should be branded a moron on the spot.
If they are wearing gear from either of those teams…well, there’s your “Scarlet Moron Letter.” Skip the question and go straight to rendering them incapable of reproduction. This may seem cruel, but it’s necessary because they are retarded band-wagon jumpers and they must not be allowed to further contaminate the gene pool. The Patriots had no fans before the Brady/Belichick era, and the Falcons had no fans before Thanksgiving. While it was Atlanta’s bird that got roasted in Houston last night, understand I don’t give a shit about who won or lost…my bird; the Philadelphia Eagles, didn’t even make it to the oven.
Rather, this is more about how Twitter exploded with idiocy in the aftermath of this game. My timeline was alive with “Greatest Super Bowl Ever!” You’d have an easier time getting me to swallow a carton of razor blades than that bunch of dip-shittery. The only people who saw greatness in that sham of a football game were either A) Patriots fans or B) Morons. There is no option C.
Here’s why anybody who thought that was a “great” game needs a “Scarlet Moron Letter.” Super Bowl LI’s greatness was a LIE; it was the exact antithesis of “great.” For a game to be truly “great,” it requires two teams playing at the epitome of the competitive pathos; the winner being the team which played the most complete, fundamentally-sound game. In this case, nobody should have won.
In both the Falcons’ dominance of the first half and the likewise Patriots’ of the second, you had one team playing “B-” football against a team that was brass-knuckling itself in the nuts. That’s not a “great” game; that’s more like watching a “Bill Cosby drug-rape.”
Honestly, there was never a point in this game where I looked at the team having the “good” half and thought “Damn, that team is playing some serious football.” Rather, I would look at the team playing garbage-ball and wonder how the fuck did they get to a Super Bowl? If this is the best the NFL has to offer, this league’s problems are bigger than anybody thought.
Doubt that? Then ask yourself a question. The conventional wisdom about the NFL is that it’s a quarterback driven league. If this game was supposed to be a match-up of star quarterbacks; the newly-crowned MVP versus the future Hall-of-Famer, then why did they take turns playing like a sloth trying to break open a coconut with a rock? If you think that was a great game just because it went to overtime, you missed the fact these teams were both too shitty to win it in regulation. The real football people know what I’m talking about. The people who blew up Twitter about the” greatness” of this game are the ones who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and ask which team Tim Tebow plays for.
Honestly, the NFL should have given the Lombardi Trophy to Lady Gaga; she’s the only one in that whole damn game who put in a complete performance.
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At least the seven layer dip was good.
And I think you to appreciate what that game truly brought about which was the continued suffering of an entire fan base.
Although, my friend, as an Eagles fan, you know that pain all too well.
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Which fan base is that? You really expect me to believe there are still Falcons fans in this world? There weren’t any six months ago, and there probably aren’t very many left now.
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I know two diehard Falcons fans and that’s probably only because I live in the South.
I can tell you they’re hurtin’ today.
I tell ’em the loss builds character. They’re not listening.
I accidentally sent one a mid-game text congratulating him on his epic beatdown.
Pretty sure he’s not talking to me for a while.
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Oh, and if you wanna have some fun enjoying others as they wallow in their own misery (and I know that you do), go check out the Atlanta Falcons reddit group today.
It’s pretty fucking outstanding.
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