Ask J-Dub – Episode 5
The mailbag here at Dubsism World Headquarters brought us yet another round of interwebz gold. We dare you to ask the questions that we have the balls to answer. So if you have such a query, throw it at us like you’re Chris Sale beaning Manny Machado. As always, we’re here to help, not judge no matter how brutally fucked up you are. Don’t worry abut attracting a bunch of kooks sending you a lot of crap. We won’t publish your email or twitter handle unless you request us to do so. If you wish to remain anonymous, just supply us with a nom de plume* like you will see on some of the following questions.
*Nom de plume is just a fancy French phrase for “fake name.”
Question #1:
Dear J-Dub,
Last year, you were right about the slow starts and the eventual outcomes on the Toronto Blue Jays and the San Francisco Giants. This year, you seem to have the Philadelphia Phillies nailed. What makes you so good at talking about baseball?
~Philadelphia Phreakdom
First, you learned well from your mother. Sucking my dick will always get you somewhere. Cheap shot cracks aside, there’s a simple answer for your question. I watch games; I don’t base my opinions off the lame shit I hear on places like ESPN. If you think you can can get good baseball information from a network who hired a college softball player to give you expert insight into Major League Baseball, you’re the kind of person who trusts a financial advisor who lives in a trailer and drives a 1984 Yugo.
But base-ball-cupping aside, I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong. Those who know me know that I had the Los Angeles Angels and the Minnesota Twins pegged as possibly the two worst teams in the American League coming into this season. I’m not ready to rescind that prognostication on the Angels quite yet. I’m ready to once again break out my rosary beads and pray this is finally the year that gets Mike Scioscia fired. I’ve been rubbing those beads for eight years now, and all I’ve got to show for it is blisters.
But the Twins are another story. I had them losing 100 games being as much of a certainty as a Minnesota winter being cold enough to freeze your balls off. But that’s clearly not going to be the case. Settle down, you “climate change” dickweeds…I’m not talking about winter in Minnesota. There will always be days in Minneapolis when simply breathing will spot-freeze your nose hair, but this year’s Twins team isn’t losing three digits. Shit, they might even have two position players worthy of a Dubsism All-Star vote.
Question #2:
Dear J-Dub,
Have you seen the IFC show “Brockmire?” Is this the funniest stuff you’ve seen in a while?
~The Frackers
Hank Azaria is a genius, pure and simple. If you haven’t seen this show, you are missing some of the funniest stuff since “Blazing Saddles.” The character of Jim Brockmire is a disgraced baseball announcer whose a bit Jim Buck, a bit Vin Scully, a bit Harry Caray, a bit Mel Allen, all with a dark side reminiscent of Martin Sheen in “Apocalypse Now.” Amanda Peet is Brockmire’s perfect comic foil as his boozy, cock-socket girlfriend and general manger of the minor-league baseball team offering him a shot at redemption. Telling you more runs the risk of spoilers; just tune in to IFC at 10 p.m. ET on Wednesdays and discover it for yourself.
Question #3:
Dear J-Dub,
Am I the only one who thinks Adam Jones’ claims of racist taunts in Boston might be overblown?
~Critical Mass-Hole
Sad as it may be, America is today a country where exploiting bigotry is a cottage industry. In my very own backyard, a guy just got arrested for defacing his own church in an attempt to make people believe that the election of Donald Trump was going to send this country hurtling into fascism a la Germany of the 1930’s. You may not agree with the President politically, but you have to admit, vandalizing your own church to further a myth is the definition of “over the top.”
Crap like that is happening all over this country, and it creates two major problems. First, it takes away from finding the few crack-pots out there who really want some sort of neo-fascist America. Second, when it gets even the most-fleeting attention from a media eager to lap up such nonsense, it can become self-propagating.
In the matter of Adam Jones, I have no idea whether this really happened, but it does make me wonder about three crucial issues:
- Timing: Jones has been playing baseball for a long time, and he’s no stranger to Boston, yet all of a sudden when the Orioles are in the middle of bean-brawl war with the Red Sox (of which he isn’t a central figure), now here come the alleged chants.
- Social Media: How is it something like Jones alleges happens in a stadium filled with people armed with camera-phones, and nobody seems to have any video/audio of such activity? Every cop in America has made a traffic stop with 30 cell-phone camera aimed at them, and yet nobody has footage to back up Jones assertion? You know that footage doesn’t exist, because if it did, ESPN would have snagged it off (insert social media platform here) and have been running it constantly.
- Speaking of ESPN…In yet another example of journalistic failure, Wednesday’s late night SportsCenter featured Stan Verrett talking about the fact the Red Sox banned one fan permanently from Fenway Park because he was using racial slurs toward another fan. While he’s saying that, the news crawl underneath him is saying that fan was given the boot because he’s the one who was screaming at Adam Jones. Nobody should be shocked that ESPN can’t get a story straight, but it does beg the question why they are offering two accounts of the story at literally the same moment in time.
I wasn’t there, so I don’t know, and I certainly can’t depend on the main-stream sports media to tell em, so this goes into the “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” file…because the world may never know.
Oh, wait…yes I do. It didn’t happen, period. Here’s how I know. Because Curt Schilling said it didn’t, made a pretty convincing case it didn’t, so some guy decides to refute that by calling him a racist (of course) and cobbling together an incredibly weak argument of cherry-picked items. Once I saw this I knew it required a patented Dubsism breakdown.
Former Red Sox pitcher and current racist uncle of baseball Curt Schilling has some bad takes. He loves to share racist memes to Facebook and got fired by ESPN for posting a nonsensical anti-trans meme.
Two sentences, and two uses of the word “racist.” I wonder where this could be headed (yawn). Let’s skip that for now and focus on that “non-sensical” meme.
Take time to fully grasp what we’re looking at here. Five will get you ten this MAN is mentally ill. More importantly, the message is that if you don’t agree with the message of the New American Left in this country, you get called names. That’s not “non-sensical;” that’s fact. Again, two sentences, and two uses of the word “racist.” You be the judge
Unsurprisingly, Schilling also thinks that Adam Jones was lying about being called a racial slur at Fenway Park. Why? Lots of nonsense.
“I don’t believe the story, given the world we live in,” Schilling said on his webcast. “I don’t believe it, for this reason: Everybody is starving and hungry to sit in front of a camera and talk and be social justice warriors. And if a fan yelled loud enough in center field for Adam Jones to hear the N-word, I guarantee you we would’ve heard and seen fans around on CNN on MSNBC, they would’ve found multiple fans to talk about what a racist piece of junk Boston is.
Gee, I guess I’m not the only person who noticed that. Obviously, Critical Mass-Hole, Curt Schilling, and I are all racists.
Schilling also posted a tweet from “Turtle Boy Sports” that said Jones is lying. Here’s the guts of that post; a quote from a Fenway vendor who was there on the night in question.
I’m a vendor, I was in the bleachers most of the night. There was a lot of heckling, Jones is kinda known for going back and forth with fans. Didn’t hear one slur though. Peanuts came from the field boxes as he was running off the field in between innings. No problem. My friend actually told me about your story. I read Lupica’s column and was incredibly irritated seeing as there are no beer vendors in the bleachers and I knew the peanuts came from the field boxes down the line. Glad someone is at least pointing out that BS and asking the tough questions.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, Turtle Boy Sports is run by a guy who I used to do some work with, but he went in a direction taking on the local SJWs in his town which is part of the greater Boston area. I don’t live in the greater Boston area, so it made collaborating with him tough. I’m a huge fan because the guy does great work, and that’s part of why he’s made a name for himself exposing the kind of crap the regular media perpetuates. This is another example. Naturally, that makes him a racist like Critical Mass-Hole, Curt Schilling, and me.
Here comes the “weak argument” part…
The Red Sox have acknowledged that the word was said.
OH MY GOD!!! SOMEBODY SAID A WORD!!!
Whatever happened to “sticks and stones?” Have we really become such a nation of complete pussies that we can’t handle a word? Guess what…that word you have such a problem with only has that kind of power because you chose to give it that power.
The next day, another fan was banned for saying a racial slur and banned him for life.
Time for an important distinction. The fan banned by the Red Sox was banned for using some slur, but even the race-baiters at ESPN couldn’t get it straight as to why the banishment occurred. The Red Sox originally claimed it stemmed from an unrelated incident; as mentioned, it was ESPN that told the story two different ways during Wednesday night SportsCenter.
Other players have said they’ve also been called racial slurs at Fenway.
Uh huh…just like every player in every sport played on this planet has had something horrible yelled at them. Boston is no different than anywhere in the pro sports universe. If you doubt that, just check out European soccer where they chant godawful things and throw highway flares at each other.
However, Schilling doesn’t believe it, because he, a white man, never heard it, and neither did every fan there. This is the same guy who thinks that the old, white people who vote for the Hall of Fame won’t vote him in because he’s a Republican.
Now I’m confused. I thought Schilling was the racist, but all he did was question the veracity of a story. But it’s this mush-head author who, again in the span of two sentences, uses the term “white” in a manner which suggests all white people think alike. You’re welcome, white people…now you know how I feel when people act surprised that I hated Barack Obama.
Confusion aside, time for a little philosophy. If a slur drops in a loaded stadium, and nobody hears it, how did it make a sound? This is the real head-scratcher here because if you read this author’s bio at the end of the piece, it tells us he’s supposedly an educated guy. Yet, somehow, he doesn’t get that if you want people to believe an incident happened, it might not be a good idea to admit nobody witnessed it.
Just like those bad late-night TV ads…just wait, there’s more!
Schilling wasn’t done there, though, as transcribed by the New York Daily News.
“I spent most of my adult life in baseball parks. I heard the N-word out of my black teammates’ mouths about 100 million times,” Schilling continued. “For somebody to talk loud enough for Adam Jones to hear the N-word in center field, other people would have heard it.
“If somebody did say it, we’re going to see it and hear about it, and I would apologize to Adam Jones for doubting him, but until then, I think this is bullshit. I think this is somebody creating a situation.”
There’s simply no credible way to deny that. Anybody who is being intellectually honest knows that. Not to mention, did you notice Schilling entertains the idea he might be wrong? He knows his narrative dissolves the minute somebody backs up Jones’ story. But they aren’t because it simply didn’t happen.
Schilling then cited several examples on the air, such as the Duke lacrosse case, of what he termed “the list of multiple hundreds of fake racist hoaxes perpetrated by black people, on black people, to make white people look racist.”
You mean like how a black stripper accused a bunch of white athletes of a sexual assault that never happened? Nice try, but we all know that story isn’t anecdotal. Leveling false accusations is a time-honored American tradition, and one that also crosses all socio-economic lines. That’s why we have due process to vete accusations, because like it or not, people lie all the time.
Question #4:
Dear J-Dub,
So…I’ve got to know what you have to say about ESPN’s recent round of lay-offs?
~Fed-Up
I can always count on Fed-Up to chime in on all things ESPN. There’s really only two things to say about this. The first is SportsChump and I just put together some thoughts on this very topic.
The second is something I don’t mention in that piece. I’ve mentioned before that when I’m not a quasi-hack blogger, I’ve spent over twenty years management in businesses of all sizes from fledgling start-ups to Fortune 500 companies. Lay-offs are never good, and they are the ultimate in last resorts. The factors which got ESPN to that point are what my blog brother from another mother discuss in our collaboration (you’ll want to read it here because going to his just floods your browser with pop-ups from sites specializing in Chinese midget amputee porn…not that there’s anything wrong with that).
The real point here is that people are the largest expense in any business, but they are also the most valuable resource. That means anytime you are cutting people for money, you are invariably losing talents which are hard to replace. When you read the piece I did with Chump, you ‘ll see that I name some people who I wasn’t sad to see go. The problem is that I’m a firm believer that everybody on Earth has a special talent for something, but the human condition is a gigantic exercise in not discovering that potential. Far too many people don’t realize it in themselves, and far too many managers can’t see it in others. Regardless, when you cut people, you lose that opportunity for discovery, and that’s just a fucking shame. The upside is that until Britt McHenry finds another job, there’s a lot of news directors in this county who are going to discover her talent is guzzling their spuzz* by the gallon.
Then there’s the fact that Ron Jaworski got the pipe right after we finished the final edit. Trust me, as long as “Jaws” owns this place, this place, and this place…well, shit son…he’s going to make a lot of money. Let’s be honest…as a life-long-suffering Philadelphia Eagles fan, even though he ripped my heart out in Super Bowl XV by throwing three picks to the SAME FUCKING GUY…”Jaws” is still one of my all-time favorite Eagles ever, and the fact he owns a bunch of golf courses makes me think he might just be a ex-jock version of Al Czervik.
*That’s two dick-sucking jokes in one episode…you’re welcome.
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Follow-up question on your Twinkies, Dubs.
As someone who stopped watching baseball once they started having sex, what the hell happened to the Twins?
This was a team that showed promise with young talent years ago, then shit the bed and now seem to be relevant again.
What changes led to the dip and resurgence?
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First of all, you should know this if you only stopped watching baseball last year.
Twins baseball is like sun spots. They go in a fairly predictable cycle. They go from lousy with no hope, to quasi-lousy with promising young talent (where they are now), eventually making a few paly-off appearance befoire teh young talent gets old or signs elsewhere for big free-agent cash. Going full cycle usually takes about ten years.
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