Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Philadelphia Eagles
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple. The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
For purposes of full disclosure, I’m a life-long fan of the Philadelphia Eagles. But tradition is tradition. That means today, I’m here to tell why you shouldn’t cheer for my own team.
1) If Philadelphia Wins, America Loses Its History
While there are some Minnesota Viking fans who when they aren’t posting pictures of their neatly manicured poodles on Instagram already think Philadelphia fans are obnoxious, believe me…if the Eagles’ win, you ain’t seen nuthin‘ yet. As an Eagles fan, even I cringe at the the thought. Philadelphia sports teams have been shitty throuughout history, so when they win, things get completely out of control.
Just look at that video understand exactly what you’re looking at. This took place on Broad Street in Philadelphia after the Phillies won the 2008 World Series. That’s one celebrant climbing up a light pole, then at the :48 mark, he gets a nice dose of brotherly love upside his skull in the form of a 40-bottle.
Forget about Viking fans getting their Sota-pussies out of joint over getting a little beer thrown at them AFTER they provoked the fight. These are citizens of the CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE heaving hunks of heavy glass at each other, which not only will leave a hell of a mark, the end result is a twenty-foot drop to the pavement.
Can you feel the brotherly love? Of course you can’t…it’s a Philly thing.
What you’ve got to understand is his is on Philadelphia fan braining another with a potentially deadly weapon because the city’s arguably most successful sports franchise in recent memory just won a World Series.
Now, imagine the fervor when the city’s FAVORITE and arguably least successful franchise wins a championship. The Eagles have been a bridesmaid twice in my lifetime, but more often then not they’ve been that one bridesmaid who spends $500 on her dress and still can’t get any dick off one of the groomsmen. Everything within a three-country radius of the Liberty Bell could be on fire by Monday morning.
That may not mean much to those of you not living near the greater Phil-tropolitan area, but you have to remember the City of Brotherly Love holds more early American history than any other.
Yeah, I know there’s people in Boston having this read to them and crying “that is wicked pisser bullshit!” But, what’s Boston known for in terms of American history? A bunch of dopes who threw a a fortune worth of tea into the sea when they could have stolen it and sold it on the black market for enough money to buy Great Britain, and a silversmith who got a crap poem written about him when all he did was get captured by the Redcoats.
Meanwhile in Philadelphia, they have the true epicenter things like Independence Hall and Valley Forge; small things like where the whole fucking country was founded and where the continental Army survived it’s first winter. If the Eagles win, some jabroni in a barf-covered green jersey is going to burn that all down while trying to light a Newport, and the epicenter of early American history will shift to the home of witch hunts and drunken Irish secretary-drowning Kennedys.
And no…the irony isn’t lost on me that it will take a team from Massachusetts to stop that.
2) There’s Many Philadelphians Who Don’t Want To See an Eagles Victory Parade
This is really an off-shoot of point #1. The celebration after the NFC Championship victory was completely tame. The Philadelphia police department reported no arrests during that celebration. That’s because Philly fans are waiting for “the big one.” Trust me, if the Eagles bring home the Lombardi trophy, any victory parade will make Market Street look like a Venezuelan bread-line riot. Because you know any such parade is going to happen on a weekday, a Super Bowl parade will cripple downtown Philly, and subject the everyday business crowd to a hail-storm of 40-ounce bottles.
3) Philly Fans Will Put Something Else God-Awful On The Art Museum Steps
In the piece I did about what an OB-GYN clinic Viking fans are, I made mention of the fact that the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and it’s incumbent “Rocky” statue are hallowed ground in the City of Brotherly Love.
Think about that for a moment. Philadelphia is at its core a basketball town, which is why the “Big Five ” is still a major event. But the favorite son of Philly pro sports is now and has always been the Eagles, if for no other reason than pro football is a tough sport and Philadelphia is the prototype for a “blue collar” town.
If you take that to it’s logical conclusion, you end up in a place which dictates an Eagle victory given the franchises’ track record of futility would demand some sort of monument. Philadelphia loves the “Rocky” statue, which is really just America’s “hood ornament.” Taking all that into consideration, what will Philadelphians erect next to Rocky if the world gifts them a Super Bowl?
4) America Is Not Ready For The Possibility of a “Nick Foles Sandwich”
In terms of American cities, Philadelphia is under-rated as a locale for great food. It’s unique blend of European cultures stemming from the days before Ellis Island when Penn’s Landing was the gateway to America gives the city some cuisine combinations you simply can’t get anywhere else. Being a haven great food makes sense if you think about it today because you really have to have something in the tank to come rocketing out of your eat-hole after you’ve guzzled a case and a half of cheap-shit beer.
Everybody on earth knows about Philly cheese-steaks with the exceptions of beef-free India, the humanity-free vegan-o-sphere, and those pathetic souls who don’t know about a sandwich outside of Subway. Worse yet, thanks to the aforementioned Subway sandwich-rapists, everybody thinks a Philly cheese-steak comes with mayonnaise. I’m here to tell you putting mayo on a cheese-steak is like putting ketchup on a hot dog; it’s such a commonly transgressed sin that far too many people don’t realize they deserve to burn in hell for it.
But I digress.
The real problem here is you may not know that in this city known for great cuisine there’s a connection between Eagles’ Super Bowl quarterbacks and food. Ron Jaworski is now renowed for owning several steak houses in the greater Philadelphia area. Donovan McNabb endeared himself to Patriots fans everywhere by yacking his guts out in Jacksonville and thus upchucking away a golden opportunity to win Philadelphia’s first Super Bowl.
That means if Nick Foles manages to be the quarterback of the team which brings home the city’s first Lombardi Trophy, he will undoubtedly be immortalized in some sort of gastronomic grandeur. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a food guy and have the elastic-waist pants and the milky-white blood to prove it. The trouble is the same place that gave us the wonder of the cheese-steak also brought us the Reading Terminal Market’s chocolate covered onion.
The dichotomy is the trouble. Leaving Philadelphians to their own devices, the “Nick Foles Sandwich” could be something wonderful; a cavalcade of the finest cured meats on a roll as light as a cloud made of the feathers from angel wings…or it could be a pizza made with tuna fish and Raisin Bran. For the love of God, these are the people who brought you scrapple. I’m an Eagles fan, and even I am not comfortable with that possibility. Are you?
That’s what I thought.
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Or what I like to call Purge: Eagles Super Bowl Victory.
Good luck today, brother.
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What’s your blood type in case I need a liver transplant?
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I eat scrapple about once a year now. I was raised on that stuff. Stuff is probably the best way I can describe it to “outsiders.”
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Every time we are back in Philadelphia, my dad MUST get scrapple someplace.
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