Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The New England Patriots
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple. The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
When it comes to the Patriots, I’ve had to write about them so many fucking times I’m literally out of jokes. Seriously, there’s only so many gags ones got on any given subject. Worse yet, they have a talent for creating material for which the jokes are just too easy, which honestly takes a lot of the fun and all of the talent out of it. Face it, “deflated ball” jokes are so easy that even mouth-breathing Colts fans can come up with them, which is why there’s almost as many of them as Miley Cyrus’ total number of genital warts.
Seriously, this is really down to being a “Greatest Hits” album of anti-Patriot jokes. Comparing Tom Brady to a Warner Brothers character and an annoying pop twerp. Check.
Questioning Tom Brady’s sexuality. Been there, done that.
You really can’t take shots at the Patriots without emptying a few clips at their quarterback; he’s the face of the franchise and the reason why the Patriots are the Patriots. Brady is one of only two people to have his own episode in this series dedicated exclusively to him. The fact the other is Jay Cutler should tell you something. You would think from that statement alone that I hate Tom Brady. In fact, the exact opposite is true. The man is an incredible douche-nozzle, and yet he has a legion of fans who will lick his spooge off a locker-room floor on demand. There simply isn’t a better recipe for a group of people begging to be trolled on a regular basis, and for a blogger, that’s solid fucking gold.
999,999 time out of 1,000,000 the same people who would line up to suck Tom Brady’s cock would agree to do so while getting sodomized by Rob Gronkowski. That’s why I already ran with the idea that the “Gronk” is really a bottle of bronzer away from being a typical “Jersey Shore” gindaloon. Rob Lowe was on to that a while ago.
In other words, even if the guy is an awesome receiver and in prime physical condition, we simply can’t have any respect for a guy who was obviously the inspiration for “Meathead Rob Lowe.” Not only is it obvious he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer off the field, but taunting the crowd on the road is a seriously weak move. Taunting the people who pay your salary is always weak, which means “Gronk” is a guy who’s completely oblivious to the fact that he’s a quintessential asshole.
Then, there’s the matter of head coach Bill Belichick. Jesus, where to start with this guy? He always seems like he’s having a hemorrhoidal flare-up, which is why he is the one guy who could take the fun out of getting a blowjob from Kate Upton while winning the Powerball. From the very moment Bill Belichick began having to give press conferences, he became as likeable as hangnails and skunked beer combined. The guy hadn’t even become a legend yet, and he had the gall to treat the press like something he’d scrape off his shoe. Needless to say, that only got worse after “Spy-gate,” and once this “Deflate-gate” shit blows over, that relationship is going to get colder than Hilary Clinton’s vagina in a tub full of liquid nitrogen.
Oh, not to mention he’s the luckiest man alive. If the Patriots win this being their sixth Super Bowl, there’s going to be a lot of noise generated about Belichick being the greatest coach of all time. I put a challenge in front of a Patriots fan to do a Point-Counterpoint on that very subject and he choked on it faster than Jenna Jameson at her first audition. Upon publishing that piece, I offered the same challenge to the general public. I didn’t get anything even close to a reasoned argument which could refute the argument that everything Bill Belichich has accomplished is because he won the football Powerball.
When it comes to the Patriots, Belichick got handed a team that was pretty damn ready to win. You can’t look at the roster of the Patriot team Belichick inherited and tell me that it needed a complete overhaul. He’s got a star quarterback, more than a handful of Pro Bowl talent…oh, and a future Hall-of-Famer on his bench he would have never known about if it hadn’t been for New York Jets linebacker Mo Lewis turning Drew Bledsoe’s guts into goulash. Belichick handed the ball to a unknown back-up quarterback named Tom Brady, and the rest is history.
But my favorite guy in this Patriot era is easily owner Robert Kraft. Until recently when this guy obviously hired a public-relations mouthpiece to filter his inane pearls of bourbon-infused wisdom from the media and the public in general, he was pure, uncut blogger gold.
Picture the NFL like the Civil War. Now, picture Jerry Jones as a “Jefferson Davis” type; the bloated-rich asshole leader of the Confederacy. That would make Robert Kraft something like Ulysess S. Grant, a whiskey-soaked dickrod who eventually vomits his way on to the $50 bill. Both Jones and Kraft have a net worth greater than most third world countries, but Kraft wears those incredibly stupid blue shirts with the white collars usually only seen on hyper-douches from 1987.
Now, because the Patriots haven’t sucked for a decade and a half now, the ranks of their fans have swelled to include the fairweather butt-loafs that populate not only Boston and the greater Northeast, but includes generally obnoxious front-runners from everywhere else. You know the guy I’m talking about; the guy who wears a Tom Brady jersey (which always seems to come off in sub-freezing temperatures) despite the fact he weighs as much as a small car, who thinks “FAAAAAAAAAAAAACKYOU! YOUSUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK! is witty repartee, and who couldn’t tell you who Steve Grogan and John Hannah were.
See, most of the so-called hometown Patriots fans are dickrings who simply change out of their “Big Papi” jersey to a “Tom Brady” jersey every September. What they know about football would fit in their ass with plenty of room for their head left over, even if they are so fucking fat the backs of their necks look like a package of Ball Park Franks. It would be a minor miracle if any of them could name a Patriot other than Tom Brady.
In a lot of respects, the Patriot fan base is much like that of the Cowboys; in the sense there’s a small group of real fans who will still be around after Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are drooling on each other’s catheters at the nursing home, and then there’s a bunch of luxury box front-runners, and guys named “Tommy Boy” and “Sully” who once the Pats are back to being a 6-10 team will be back to screaming racial epithets at black hockey players.
If it weren’t for the aforementioned Cowboys’ fans, Vikings’ fans, or Raiders’ fans, Patriot fans would be the worst in all of football. They hate Jets fans even though they are exactly like Jets fans. They are just like Jets fans because half of Foxboro is populated with Jets fans on any given Sunday.
It’s true. I have several trusted friends who also happen to be Patriot season-ticket holders (they would be the aforementioned small group of “real” Patriots fans). They will be the first to tell you that Gillette Stadium and the town of Foxboro is the worst place in the world for real football fans. The Patriots fans who show up at the stadium are either the shirtless Brady jersey owners, who by the end if the first quarter already stink like their own piss, or they are what is commonly referred to as the “wine and cheese” crowd.
It’s hard to tell which is more hate-worthy; the guy in the stocking cap who will undoubtedly puke on himself at some point while screaming what you are pretty sure is some sort of racial insult, or the guy who spends half of every game telling everyone to sit down. Of course, “Mr. Sit Down” is the same guy who only shows up for the “best” 2 or 3 games of the year and sells the rest of his tickets to Jets fans.
If you doubt that, pay close attention to the seats the next time you see a Patriots home game. You will notice the red seats in the middle of Gillette Stadium. That’s where the big-time “wine and cheesers” who own luxury boxes also have the option of sitting outside. This means that many seats go empty which makes Gillette Stadium the quietest in all of football.
These friends of mine can regail with all kinds of tales of Patriot fan dumb-assery, ranging from hearing the offense booed off the field for driving for a game-winning field goal (the crowd wanted a touchdown) to throwing stuff at Troy Brown – in one of the last games of his career – for botching a punt return.
In any case, both “Tommy Boy” and “Mr. Wine and Cheese”-type Patriot fans are like the turd-baby result of a Jets fans ass-raping a Notre Dame fan; they are obnoxious, dim, and keep reminding you they are better than they really are.
Most importantly, the “Tommy Boys” and “Sullys” of the world have this truly messed-up notion that being a loudmouth cynical ass-wipe equals being a tough guy. These are the guys who watch Mark Walhberg movies and fondle themselves, these are the guys who get tougher with each Sam Adams they pound, and these are the same guys who wake up in a puddle of their own piss and teeth after they screamed the wrong thing at the wrong dude. There’s nothing tough about these red-and-blue creampuffs. They are the same guys who call sports-radio wailing like a rotating ball of vag-bitches just using any excuse they can find to showcase their brooding moronic bullshit. The fact is that it would take like two or three Raider fans at the most fans to kick the living shit out of every Patriot fan on earth. These Patriot fans are softer than a Memory Foam pillow made out of marshmallows and puppy fur.
Sadly, like the Cowboys’ fanbase, that of the Patriots’ lumps in the real fans with the soft-ass “Tommy Boys” and “Sullys.”
Worse yet, if the Patriots win, we’ll have to listen to a lot of that aforementioned “Greatest Of All Time” non-sense.
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Hey Dub, love the blog.
You label Brady as a system QB based on his YPA and YPC, then it’s a pretty good system if you consider his team success. I know football is a team game, but it depends critically on the QB performance. I wonder why the other NFL teams don’t copy their system.
On a semi related point, what do you make of the super bowl line? I think the eagles are the better team and the edge o individual talent (except QB and TE).
Finally, do you like Peterson on a big game like this?
Keep up the good work.
Alex
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Why doesn’t anybody copy the Patriots system? Because nobody else has Tom Brady. If you look at the Patriot offense when it is doing what it really wants to, everything is about receivers getting to open spots in two-three seconds combined with Brady’s quick release,,,all because the Pats know they can’t protect him past a four-count. The same people who call Alex Smith a “check-down artist” are the same ones who call Tom Brady the “greatest of all time.” The difference is Brady reads progressions about two seconds faster than Smith or anybody else. Everybody is a “system quarterback” because none of them call their own plays anymore.
The line in this game is all about Carson Wentz. Had he not been hurt, I think the Eagles open favored by a field goal. As for Gronkowski, he may very well be the the most over-rated player in football. Am I the only one who notices they win all the time without him? Am I the only one who noticed the Pats pulled off that comeback against the Jags while Gronk was in the locker room?
As for Doug Pederson, I’ve never seen him in a game of this magnitude. If the NFC Championship Game is any indicator, he may very well be just fine. But Championship games don’t have two billion viewers and a 45-minute concert at half-time. It’s a “wait and see” thing…
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Now I’m hungry for kielbasa.
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It’s pronounced “chow-dahhhhh”
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