The Practical Dubsism Rundown of Every Winter Olympic Event
Now that we find ourselves at the start of another Olympiad, its time for us here at Dubsism to perform another public service by giving you, the blog-reading public, a quick rundown on stuff you need to know about every event of the Winter Olympic Games. Let’s be honest, everybody knows Dubsism is THE place to learn a lot more about the Olympics than those moulyaks at NBC/Comcastiveral are ever going to tell you.
But as we are wont to do, not only will we be educating you about these events, we’re going to tell you how a select few of them could stand a wee bit of improvement.
You’re welcome.
Alpine Skiing
This is what you picture when you think of “classic” skiing; rocketing down a super-steep mountain at a speed no human should be traveling without the assistance of some form of combustion engine on “snow” compressed to the density of a hockey rink, and the only thing between the racers and absolute disaster is two over-grown tongue depressors shined in wax with a lubricant value usually only seen in anal gang-bang videos. Whether it’s the swervy slalom or straight-up downhill, there’s a reason why 100% of skiers have broken at least 75% of the bones in their bodies, including those really tiny ones in the inner ear.
Because with every passing given skier there’s a solid chance you may get to see a horrific crash, this event really needs no improvement. You’ve got sheer speed, and pure blood lust. What more could you want?
Biathlon
Without a doubt, this is the event which has the most entertainment potential, which is Alanis Morrisette-level ironic as it is the one which needs the most help. As will be discussed in a bit, cross-country skiing has the excitement level of watching corn grow, which is why it’s pairing with rifles and live ammunition is missing some serious entertainment value.
Despite the sensory-dulling properties of cross-country skiing, it’s combination with the sheer awesomeness of firing guns results in something oddly cool. But with one change, this would go from interesting to insanely fucking amazing. Instead of shooting at stationary targets, they should allow biathletes to fire at free-style skiers in a “skeet”-type event. Not only would that give us the ultimate ‘death-defying” adrenaline sport in free-style skiing, we would have the most amazing television since the Zapruder film.
Bobsled
This is another amazing event which isn’t maximizing its entertainment potential. Watching those sleds hurtling down a frozen rain-gutter at speeds where the slightest mistake means the sledders brains become part of the landscape…well, what’s not to love about that? But this is another case where good can become great with minor tweaks.
First, they should widen the aforementioned rain-gutter so that two bobsleds can race simultaneously.
Then, they should get the teams from the records of the Minnesota Department of Motor Vehicles. Can you think of better people for this event than those who we already know aren’t afraid of handling heavy vehicles on roads made of solid ice? And yes, we’re going to get them good and drunk; all contestants must blow at least a .15 on the Drunk-o-meter before they can compete.
But the pièce d’resistance comes from what should be done with the other guys in the sled. Face it, after they push it down the hill, they are merely passengers. So, why not arm them so we can see a frozen version of “Ben-Hur?” One guy drives the sled, and the passengers attack the other with whips and battle axes.
Cross-Country Skiing
Unlike many of the events on this list, cross-country skiing doesn’t have a lot of room for improvement. Start with the fact this sport is far too reminiscent of people working out on a NordicTrack. To make it better, all one could possibly do is stock it with those NordicTrack-type women you see at the gym; the ones with the pony-tails and the yoga pants stretched so tantalizingly over asses so taught you could bounce a quarter off them.
But even then, it’s limited by the fact that I will go through five minutes of a steadily increasing level of interest, culminating in a crescendo after which I’m no longer interested and need a nap. Don’t act like you don’t get it.
Curling
Welcome to Canadian bowling. The origins of this sport are undoubtedly from the Great White North as these are people who when they aren’t watching hockey and electing demi-communists love to ice fish and drink beer. When those two are combined, eventually there’s going to come a time when sitting in a little shack watching a fishing line dangled through two feet of ice will become as boring as binge-watching C-SPAN.
That’s how you know enough drinking and boredom led to a bunch of drunken Canucks sliding heavy rocks at each other’s ice houses. After all, if the walleyes aren’t biting, why not try to knock down you neighbor Gordie’s ice house? Thus curling was born; an endeavor dedicated to sliding large, smooth rocks along a length of ice in a contest to see who can get closest to the center of a target on the ice.
If you doubt this game’s origins came at the hands of inebriated fisherman trying to fuck with each other on a frozen lake somewhere in Manitoba, why do you think the “bulls-eye” they paint on the ice is colloquially called the “house?”
Figure Skating
This is arguably the “flag-ship” event of the Winter games, even if it has no appeal outside of women and other people who might possibly enjoy the taste of sperm. Let’s face it, sports are inextricably linked with what the modern American “snowflake” calls “toxic masculinity.” The upside to all this is by the Dubsism standard, figure skating isn’t a sport, so you can sequin and feather the shit out of it and we won’t care.
Before you say it, yes…we know this is really the “money-maker” for the Winter Olympics; it is to this spectacle why gymnastics is to the Summer games. There’s really nothing one could do to make this any more watchable for me, but then again I understand not everything can be about me. Not to mention, the biggest audiences are inclusive audiences.
So…figure skating, ice dancing, whatever. If it works for you, who the fuck am I to judge? I’ll be back for the next event.
Freestyle Skiing
I’m convinced this is another “inclusive” event; this is the first one made for stoners. Realistically, this is all derivative of the X-Games, which basically takes events that already exist and finds ways to introduce far more potential for mayhem. For example, if the X-Games ever took over NASCAR, all race tracks would go through a school zone and every car would be required to have warped brake rotors.
I’m also convinced there was a time when the IOC figured out that it hosted some of the world’s original “adrenaline sports,” and in order to grow its popularity, it needed to embrace the newer ones. The entire concept is why I’m saying we’ve got to go to the next level and meld the old with the new. The fact that most of the participants in freestyle skiing consider ripping bong hits as pre-game ritual is why this is the perfect candidate for a pairing with biathlon. Once the skiing versions of “Cheech and Chong” hit those twirling, back-flipping jumps, they become the perfect targets for rifle-toting Scandinavians.
Ice Hockey
Here’s one example of only three “true” sports in the Winter games, and it’s the sole event which made a conscious decision to make itself worse. Just because the International Olympic Committee and the National Hockey League got into a “tiny-dick” measuring contest, the best hockey players in the world won’t be in PyeongChang. In other words, the IOC and the NHL were both so worried about their own short-term interests they throat-fucked an opportunity to combine the best of their respective worlds and have it seen by 3 billion global viewers.
Doubt that Olympic hockey in 2018 will suck harder than a Dyson vacuum cleaner and the Cleveland Browns combined? Ask yourself a question. Have you ever tuned in to watch the Minor League World Series? I didn’t think so. The Olympics are supposed to be about the best of the best; hockey without the best players is bullshit.
Luge
First of all, it’s pronounced “loo-zh,” not “loo-gie.” I think I actually prefer the latter, because this event really isn’t worth spit. If you grew up in a clime which had winter, at some point you rode a sled. If so, then you knew that one pussy kid who wouldn’t ride the sled head first. That kid grew up to do luge.
Worse yet, just look at the two-man luge event and tell me those guys might not enjoy figure skating…not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Nordic Combined
The summer Olympics are chock full of combination events; this is the original “combo platter” for the winter games. Nordic Combined brings you the boredom of cross-country skiing paired with the ultimate adrenaline blast of hurtling off a cliff with a couple of sheets of plywood strapped to your feet.
The upside is you get to pick your poison, you can die from the tedium of cross-country skiing, or you can stroke out when your blood pressure spikes from watching people attempting not to die by slamming into a mountain at 80 miles per hour.
Short Track Speed Skating
Again, if your childhood involved living in a place that had “real” winter, you may very well recall being in a junior-high Physical Education class when on a day even a Siberian Husky didn’t want to go outside, some over-weight gym teacher with a whistle and a bad comb-over made you run laps around a basketball court.
This is pretty much the same idea behind the idea indoor soccer, arena football, and miniature golf. When you take an event meant for a large venue and try to do it in a rented storage locker, the only possible results will involve a hefty dose of ridiculous.
Skeleton
This is the opposite of luge. Go back to my earlier reference about childhood sledding. If you had those days, you might very well have had the young adult version where you discovered the only way to rocket down a hill on a sled; head-first and piss drunk.
Skeleton just needs a few subtle nuances to take it back to its roots. Skeleton courses should have the occasional trees to dodge and snowbanks to plow through, but a few of them may contain a hidden fire hydrant. For even more random fun, we can strip one of those luge weenies butt-naked and chuck them into the middle of the new and improved skeleton track.
Ski Jumping
To be honest, I love ski jumping. If it hadn’t been for World War II, this event is the only way we would have ever known the aerodynamic capabilities of the Germans and Japanese. But thanks to that war, we know to keep the Japanese jumpers away from battleships, and afterward German flyers were able to accomplish more than blowing the shit out of eight Polish pack mules and herding the British into subway tunnels they went into every day anyway. Go Team Luftwaffe!
Military history aside, you know this was an event started by the “I double-dog dare you” guys. Who else would launch themselves off a cliff knowing full well there’s only three possible outcomes:
- Death
- Crippling Injury
- Not Death
It’s not like we all don’t know the precursor to “hold my beer” was “I dare you!”
Snowboarding
This is another event for stoners in baggy-pants. To be honest, I’m not sure why snowboarders all dress like homeless people; as if they refuse to cross some sort of imaginary dignity line by pushing their life around in a stolen Sprawl-Mart shopping cart, so they simply wear every article of clothing they own at all times. Believe me, nobody understands dignity more than people who make bongs out of Mountain Dew bottles and shoplift frozen burritos from Kwik-E-Mart.
Nobody should be surprised that I don’t understand trying to shatter my femurs while strapped to a skateboard with the wheels broken off; I’m an old man and snowboarding isn’t made for me. But I have to be fair, if I’m opening up bobsledding to drunk drivers and skeleton to brave drunks in general…lest we not forget our keyword here is “inclusive.”
Speed Skating
For me, speed skating is like a video tranquilizer; its rhythmic consistency and its soothing grace are what it make simultaneously enjoyable to watch at the shorter distances and subtly tortuous beyond 1,500 meters. The sprint events still feature the speed of their track and field brethren, but with an elegance not seen in its asphalt-bound staccato ankle-pounding counterpart. In the longer races, those are the same qualities make it more like a movie just good enough that you won’t walk out, and just bad enough you can’t wait for it to be over.
If a speed skating event is long enough, it can lull you into a trance so deep you simply forget to keep breathing. It’s not a coincidence that a 10,000 meter speed skating race takes six minutes, which is exactly how long it takes without oxygen for brain death to occur .
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So any professional hockey player will tell you that a Stanley Cup outweighs an Olympic Gold medal.
When you talk to NBA guys, sure a title is nice but I believe they’re earnest when they say winning an Olympic Gold medal is a higher honor.
Do you find that odd?
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No, because most NBA players would melt down their gold medals to make teeth out of them.
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