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The Dubsism World Cup 2018 Preview – Trash-Talking All 32 Participants

The World Cup is the largest non-single day sporting even in the world not called the Olympics.  Be it the World Cup or the Olympics, they both have something in common to the average American…they are chock full of foreigners. Worse yet, in this there’s years incarnation, there’s no Team USA behind which Joe American can throw his quadrennial interest in soccer.

But if nothing else, we Americans are event-driven, so regardless of where you think soccer’s popularity level is in this country, we will watch…it’s what we do.  The problem is that if you aren’t a soccer aficionado, it’s hard to decide which of these 32 team you might wish to support.  The problem is these are national teams, which means these sides don’t play together as often as the club versions of this sport. That’s why we here at Dubsism are here to give you a peek at what these countries are all about culturally, so you can make somewhat more informed decisions when you enter our World Cup Challenge.

These are ranked in order of predicted finish in the Group Stage; the top two in each group advancing to the Knockout Round.

Group A:

1) Uruguay

The best way to envision Uruguay is to imagine if South America had it’s own version of Wyoming. Uruguay is little more than a conglomeration of cattle ranches, but all 682 residents of this country seem to have an amazing talent for soccer. We really aren’t sure what else they can do because nobody really knows exactly where Uruguay is, but the fact they keep those wonderful Brazilian steakhouses chock full of delicious artery-clogging beef that tastes like it died screaming* is a lot more than we can say for a lot of these other nationalities.

*RIP, Anthony Bourdain – In my writings, I’ve always aspired to your level of assholery.

2) Russia

Today’s Russia makes those of us of sufficient age to pine fondly for the bygone Communist era…when the Russians could actually accomplish something.  Now, Russia is just a colder version of Ohio populated by boorish, booze-soaked factory workers.

Be it the super-power Soviet Union or today’s East Indiana, the common theme for Russia is they have always been Europe’s retarded little brother inasmuch as even their great accomplishments are salted with a unique level of Russian backwardness. The fact is that is wasn’t communism that made the Russians goofy…the Russians made the Russians goofy.  The same country that brings you Vladimir Putin also gave the world Rasputin, Soviet communism, and 19th-century writers who took 500 pages to describe flavorless potato soup.

That’s why only a Russian author could accurately capture Russian history. Who else could explain a people who built a jewel of a European city in St. Petersburg, only to put it in a place which is uninhabitable 15 months out of every year?  They created a post-war industrial leviathan, but powered it with nuclear reactors constructed of wax-paper sandwich wrappers. They architected one of the world’s great prison systems, then filled it with people caught listening to the wrong radio station.  And  to this day, the Russians are a formidable figure in world sport, but they do so by creating “women” athletes by chopping the dicks of eighth-grade boys and filling everybody to the brim with horse testicle serum.

3) Egypt

Like Ancient Greece, Rome, and Persia, Egypt was one of the cradles of modern civilization.  But it was their fascination with cats and its inherent mental instability which caused the Egyptians to become little more than a hairier, smellier version of the Greeks.  As a result, they are now a rabble of degenerate, impoverished dirtballs who when they aren’t buggering anything with a suitably-sized asshole are engaged in an international contest with the Indians to take over all the world’s convenience stores.  If that weren’t enough, they consider the entrails of a goat to be a delicacy, their toilets are mere holes in the ground, and their failure to keep the Jews enslaved led to more wars than I’d care to think about.

4) Saudi Arabia

What can you possibly say about a country where bed linens are considered formal attire and they force their women to wear truck tarps? That in and of itself explains why this country is home to the holiest site for the only religion on earth more dark and barbarous than Catholicism. If it weren’t for oil, there would be no reason at all to deal with the Saudis because when faced with any conflict they become disorderly cowards incapable of posing a threat as long as they are kept away from box cutters and airliners.

Group B:

1) Spain

Geographically speaking, the traditional role of the Spanish was to serve as a buffer separating the French from the Muslim world. But since the Frogs have successfully converted their country into France-istan, Spain has reverted to it’s post-Moorish invasion state of uselessness.  Having lost their national purpose means the Spanish embraced a strain of homo-erotic sado-masochism embodied by their fascination for crowding into narrow streets to play grab-ass with charging bulls.

Oddly enough, that’s the same quality which makes Spain the world’s leading producer of neatly-coiffed pretty boys who look as if they were poured into their soccer jerseys.  Thankfully, most Americans who went to college came to understand Ernest Hemingway’s nonsensical romanticization of Spain and its neo-lithic pastimes played a major role in his eventual suicide.

2) Portugal

Look at what I just said about Spain.  Simply put, Portugal is to Spain as Canada is to the United States.  Portugal simply Spain’s answer to Canada. The red-headed step child of the Iberian Peninsula, Portugal is such an awful place that it saw a mass exodus to New Haven, Connecticut.  The principal industries of New Haven are fish canning and gang rape, and the average Portuguese saw that as an improvement.

3) Morocco

Remember the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark?” Remember the guy with the scimitar?

That’s your prototypical Moroccan.

4) Iran 

As previously mentioned, ancient Persia was one of the cradles of civilization, but it’s spent the last forty years being a global pariah because Iran is run by a bunch of zealots blindly devoted to a fucked-up religion.  Combining that with the fact the Iran is located in a god-forsaken desert makes confusing Iranians with Mormons perfectly understandable.

Group C:

1) France

Here’s all you really need to know about France.  At some point in history, every one of their neighbors has declared war on them. This is because they are a nation full of pompous pains-in-the-ass who eat snails, slugs, and cheese that smells like feet.

Seriously, what do you expect from a bunch of lowlifes who force their own children to drink wine? The French drown any competitive spirit in their children by ensuring they are drunk eighteen hours per day. This is why the French suck at everything, and why they haven’t won a war in at least 200 years. Even their language makes them sound like bunch of complete pussies.

It also says a lot about France that every other malcontent who can’t get along in a decent country runs off to Paris because the French are so “cosmopolitan.” Sure, if by “cosmopolitan” you mean that they take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash absolutely no parts of their bodies, and treat anyone who is not just like them with monstrous contempt.  So, if you are a degenerate sleazebag who waits tables and has a superiority complex, you are either French or want to be.

2) Denmark

Like the rest of Scandinavia, Denmark is little more than a socialist hellhole where only the cortically-challenged live unless they are spineless, unproductive welfare leeches. Modern progressives successfully enslaved this country, which wasn’t hard considering the majority of Denmark’s history involves surrendering to the Germans or the Swedes.

The Danes love to claim theirs is one of the happiest countries on earth, and yet they kill themselves at a rate usually reserved for kamikaze pilots. The reason why they are so suicidal isn’t hard to understand; the Danes are often confused with the Dutch, which means their capital city is often overrun with idiotic American tourists wondering where Anne Frank’s house is.

3) Peru

Peru is actually vastly-underrated as a hot bed of Marxist terrorism. The home of a group known as “Shining Path,” Peru is currently embroiled in a campaign by these revolutionaries attempting to overthrow the government.  Of course, “Shining Path” is the prime example of decades of Latin American incompetence as their revolution is little more than street-level dealing in cocaine and filling Peruvian prisons with their leaders who all self-appoint themselves with titles like “Generalissimo.”

4) Australia

The land “down under” is home to a bunch of violently loud, alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of fun is throwing up on your car. The Australian proclivity for drinking has resulted in the local dialect having over 400 terms for vomiting. These include “technicolor yawn,” “talking to the toilet,” “round-trip meal ticket,” and “singing lunch.” The national sports are breaking furniture and roughhousing with assorted deadly wildlife.

“Making a Shambles” is required study in the primary schools and all Australians are bilingual, speaking both English and Sheep. Their interminable behavior stems from the fact that their country was founded as a prison colony; therefore every white Australian is a descendant of an English rapist, robber, or murderer…just like a southern hemisphere version of our Georgia.

Group D:

1) Argentina

This is not the last time in this article where you will see a reference to the Latin proclivity to fuck things up.  What makes this country unique is its run by the descendants of European fascists who fled to Argentina after they botched their last attempt at world domination in 1945.  But old habits die hard, which is why every couple of generations the Argentinians pick a fight with the British over a couple of chunks of rock in the South Atlantic which are really only good for penguins to shit on.

2) Iceland

This is the country which blows the concept of “white privilege” right out of the water.  Iceland is home to the whitest people on earth; these people are so white their skin is translucent and it only takes 20 minutes in the sun for them to bloat like an over-cooked hot dog.  I wouldn’t exactly call it “privilege” to live on a remote island which is either hostage to 600-foot deep glaciers or an inferno of molten lava.

All that aside, there’s only 300,000 people in the entire country, and of the males the two predominant groups are 1) herring fishermen and 2) those 400-pound guys you see on those “strongman” contests who can bench-press a jumbo jet.  Somehow, out of those two groups, the Icelanders found a team of world-class footballers. No matter how you look at it, Iceland is the definition of “underdog,” That’s why Team Iceland is the team we will be supporting here at Dubsism.

Pixelation due to J-Dub’s status in the Witness Protection Program.

At least their colors are still red, white and blue, and the majority of their women prove that volcanoes aren’t the only thing hot about Iceland.

3) Croatia

The death of Marshal Tito in 1980 started a chain of events which led to the break-up of Yugoslavia.  This resulted in the creation of a bunch of small nations all about the size of South Carolina geographically, but are even more backward than the Palmetto State  Even the mongoloid Russians think these little countries are filled with a bunch of dipshits.

In this case, the Croatians are an outdated group of Euro-trash whose raison d’etre has already been accomplished. The entire point of identifying as Croatian was to help get a Croatian state established.  Well, that happened almost 30 years ago, and it created confusion as to where it is specifically since the majority of the worlds Croatians actually live in the greater Chicago area.

In any event, these neo-Polacks rank slightly behind drunken suburban teenagers in terms of their competitive capabilities.  Even during their own war of independence, they barely progressed beyond tossing cherry bombs into trash cans.  People in Chicago have a running joke that it takes eleven Croatians to shoot out a light bulb; one to pull the trigger and ten to call the media and blame it on the Serbs (more on them later).

4) Nigeria

Somewhere during this tournament, some announcer is going make the worst possible mis-pronunciation of this country’s name, the video will go viral, and he’ll lose his job.  Then all the “social justice warrior” ass-wipes will strain their arms patting themselves on the back for getting some guy fired while completely ignoring Nigeria is a country where slavery still exists and there are drive-thru franchises specializing in ritual female genital mutilation.

Group E:

1) Brazil

Isn’t it ironic that the term “Brazilian” is synonymous with the removal of all body hair, and despite what they want you to believe with the pictures of those bronze, sculpted bodies adorning their cane-sugar white beaches, the average Brazilian woman has a muff reminiscent of Julius “Dr. J” Erving’s “afro” circa 1976.

Then there’s the matter of the average Brazilian man.  Again, they would love you to to buy the idea that every Brazilian man is that debonair “Latin Lover” with the silky-smooth voice and the ability to produce a perfectly-mixed caipirinha from his immaculately-starched French cuff with the flick of wrist.  The reality is the average Brazilian man is a lout who kisses his fingertips while making comments about strange women’s asses, wears his shirt open to the third button of his fly, and festoons himself with home-made tattoos done with a sewing needle and lead pencil shavings.

To be honest, regardless of gender, the garden variety Brazilian has a dark, scraggly mustache and drinks liquid pig tranquilizer.  When they aren’t being the best soccer-playing country on earth, Brazilians love to stab each other in the ass with pen-knives during arguments about the respective charms of their sexual partners, all of whom look like anteaters with a stubble level indicating they’ve been dry-shaved with cheap Sam’s Club razors.

2) Serbia

As previously mentioned, this country is a result of the disintegration of the former Yugoslavia.  But unlike their Croatian post-Yugoslav brethren, Serbia still has a reason to exist…as misguided as it may be. What it all boils down to is the Serbs are that “emo” kid in junior high whose irritating nature stems from his own identity crisis.

Sometimes, the Serbs act like the Germans; embracing a tradition of making war although they were never really sure whom they were supposed to be fighting. This is why they have spent the better part of the last quarter-century invading all the other goofy countries that used to be Goofy-ugoslavia.  Thanks to internet streaming, you too can enjoy Serbian radio, which is filled with Euro-trashy Kraftwerk-like synthesizer noise.

The conflict comes from the fact that deep down in places they don’t want to admit, the Serbians are a lot like the Russians. Just like the Russians, the communist era represented Serbia’s pinnacle of relevance on the global stage.  That’s why they cling to bad translations of Lenin’s early writings, which only re-enforced the Serbs’ proclivity for being militaristically insane. What else would explain wanting to conquer and occupy a 9th-world country like Kosovo?

The Serbs still love to spout a lot of pro-Marxist nonsense, which is essentially pointless since all the great European Stalinists are now running California.  This means since the fall of the Berlin Wall, The Serbs have been reduced to voting for communists, trying to “ethnically cleanse” their neighbors, and grumbling about “fat capitalist pigs.”

3) Switzerland

The best way to describe the Swiss is they are exactly what the Jews would have become had they wandered out of the desert and into the mountains.  Because they hide it with their seemingly benign Red Cross organization, nobody notices they are conspiratorial secret power-mongers in whose icy clutches lay the fruits of grave misdeeds committed globally.  They are far too numerous to mention here, but two things about the Swiss must never leave your memory.

A significant portion of the Swiss gold repository came from fillings taken from the mouths of victims of the Nazis, and despite the fact they have no military, nobody has invaded Switzerland in almost eight centuries because right next to those mountains of gold, the Swiss have incriminating photos of every world leader. In fact, the Swiss Guard have a special place at the Vatican because stashed in a secret Alpine reliquary, they possess the real Shroud of Turin, which depicts Jesus getting a blow-job from Mary Magdalene.

4) Costa Rica

Due to its location, Costa Rica is surrounded by filthy countries which have revolutions about every three weeks and are populated by people who are barely qualified to be busboys at Denny’s. In comparison, Costa Rica in surprisingly politically stable, and its people enjoy the highest average income in the region  This makes Costa Rica the jewel of Central America, which is akin to being the least-dorky kid at a spelling bee. Being the most advanced country in Central America means the average single-family dwelling is comprised of only 50 to 60 percent cardboard and the nation’s economy is on the cusp of emerging from being barter-driven.

Group F:

1) Germany

The Germans tend to be a thick-necked lot with a propensity for precision engineering, operational efficiency, and a creepy lack of emotion.  In our second reference to “Raiders of the Lost Ark,”  this guy is your typical German.

Despite that, the average German is perfectly capable of launching into the most ribald, drunken, revelry.  They tend to reserve that celebratory mood for international soccer victories as its been over a century since the last Teutonic military triumph.  In other words, the very same Germany same Germany which gave you the National Socialists also brings you the rotund, lederhosen-clad tuba player in a beer hall about two “Oompahs” away from being carried out on his own horn.

The Germans are a bunch of sado-masochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from enormous tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tunes. This dichotomy may stem from the fact that the Germans have never really given a shit about what the rest of the world thinks of them. In fact, Germans tend to act like the rest of the world exists for their benefit. This is why once every fifty years or so, they need to start a war during which they will kill a lot of French.

2) Sweden

Realistically, the Swedes are just a better-looking, northern version of the Serbs.  They’ve become far more docile in recent decades, largely because they’ve finally figured out their neighbors aren’t worth invading. Like the Serbs, they are blatant communists, although they refuse to admit it.

Being blessed with the usual Scandinavian good looks, the Swedes fuck a lot, but only in the missionary position. This is the defining characteristic of a people who are tedious and clean-living; the kind of people who can even make constant sex boring.  This is why they make boring cars.  This is why they make boring movies. ABBA might be the most interesting Sweden has produced since Anita Ekberg’s breasts.  The speculation is the Swedes share the Danes’ odd fascination with killing themselves; the difference being the Swedes are trying to bore themselves to death.

3) South Korea

The South Koreans really are the Polacks of Asia.  They are sandwiched in between two far more powerful neighbors who historically have taken turns invading them, and if it weren’t for the American military, they’d be owned by an even more retarded version of themselves.  Despite that, the South Koreans seem to be quite an industrious lot having wrested the title of world’s maker of cheap consumer electronics away from the Japanese.  Nobody seems to know if that has anything to do with their tendency to eat dogs.

4) Mexico

What can you say about people who can live in groups up to 40 in a one-bedroom apartment? Seriously, what do you say about Mexicans because nobody really understands them…not even other Mexicans.  How does one identify with the ideals of people who are usually seen screaming from the windows of graffiti-covered slums?  The only thing I’ve figured out is they seem useful for doing all the jobs you can’t get lazy-ass Americans to do.

Beyond that, Mexicans resemble the Spanish in all their more loathsome characteristics, except for the fact the average Mexican has a large percentage of American Indian blood, which makes them devoid of any natural human sympathies, moral sensibilities, and makes them wholly unmanageable drunks.

The principal industry of Mexico is the production of pornographic playing cards that depict their women corrupting the morals of donkeys. Completely untrustworthy, Mexicans will make food out of anything that will hold still, feed it to you, and expect you to pay for it. Of course, eating anything given to you by a Mexican is to take unimaginable risks on many levels.

Group G:

1) England

Nothing sums up the English quite like the fact that they once conquered half of the world, but they still haven’t figured out central heating. Somehow, the English created the largest empire the world has ever seen despite the fact they have a Russian-level proclivity for getting things backward. They warm their beers and chill their baths.  They boil all their food, including bread. They send all their boys to boarding school to make “men out of them,” but instead, years of anal rape at the hands of their headmasters turn them into mincing, cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions, terrible teeth, and bizarre sexual fetishes.

2) Belgium

Every day, children around the world who were born with Down’s Syndrome wake up and thank God they weren’t born Belgian. There can’t possibly be an existence with less chance of attaining anything meaningful than being Belgian.  Take all that is lousy about France, concentrate it into a piece of land the size of Massachusetts and Connecticut combined, split the lingua franca of it’s residents equally amongst the two stupidest languages in the western world, put most of the country below sea-level, then fill it with Muslim terrorists and European pan-unionists, add 20 centuries of global insignificance, and voilà…you have a nation genuinely shitty enough to have earned the title “Belgium.”

There’s a reason why the Belch had the most worthless empire of the colonial era, a monarchy even the most royalist European didn’t give a shit about, and did little more than act as a toll-free expressway for anybody wishing to conquer France.

3) Tunisia

Ladies and Gentlemen, please allow me to take a few minutes to talk to you about the Punic Wars.  These were a series of three conflicts fought between Carthage and Rome 264 B.C. and 146 B.C. The first Punic War was largely a naval battle; a major exception being the Battle of Agriegentum in 262 B.C.  The Second Punic War was most noted for Carthagian Hannibal’s crossing the Alps to effectively destroy the Roman Army.  The Third Punic war saw the complete and utter destruction of Carthage…which was located in modern-day Tunisia.

Until now, you didn’t know where Carthage was. You still don’t because nobody knows where Tunisia is, and as this bit of history tells you, it’s been over 2,000 years since anybody cared.

4) Panama

Here’s a country which was immortalized in a terrible Van Halen song.  Besides that, Panama is really only known for their namesake hats  worn by elderly golfers after melanoma has cost them a nostril and a canal which was designed primarily for the global export of malaria. Realistically, the canal is the one reason anybody goes to Panama, and if you think about it, the goal of the canal is to get you through the country and on your way as quickly as possible. By building a means to get you expeditiously out of their country, the Panamanians have done you a tremendous favor.

Group H:

1) Colombia

I’ve never been able to understand why anybody thinks a country floating on cocaine wouldn’t be full of people who tend to over-react to things.  It’s taken 20 years for Colombian football to recover from the murder of Andres Escobar, which is why if they lose this time, the Colombians will kill the whole team, their entire families, and anybody who ever sat next to them on a plane.

No over-reaction in that at all.

2) Poland

The Poles are the perfect example for the old saying that all stereotypes evolve from a kernel of truth, which is why Poland is known as the “remedial reading class” of Europe. Poland was founded by a crowd of human turkey-loafs who as a Barbarian horde took a wrong turn on their way to sack Rome.  This is why the Poles spent centuries drowning their ponies trying to play water polo, the Polish Army thought they invented breech-loading artillery because their cannons were pointed the wrong way, and the Polish Navy just figured out how to keep their submarines cool by installing screen doors.

3) Senegal

Senegal was once a French colony, and despite that, Senegal still doesn’t understand even the most basic concepts of civilization.  To be fair, that could be as much of an indictment of the French inability to do anything, but the fact remains the Senegalese use leaves as clothing, worship bundles of sticks, and eat bugs.  They also have a proclivity for hunkering down in caves, which was invented by Jews and perfected by Yogi Bear.

Senegal is known as the “Gateway to Africa,” which means the level of civilization only goes down from here.  In no time at all, you will find yourself in a land dominated by mudheads who think “communism” is just a fancy word for hiding in ditches and shooting the tires off UN humanitarian aid trucks.

4) Japan

The Japanese resemble the Chinese in many respects, but mercifully, there are far less of them.  Japanese society is incredibly homogeneous, which means they consider each other to be interchangeable, hence why the Japanese have no regard for human life whatsoever.  That shouldn’t come as a surprise from a culture which injected the concept of suicide into everything from war to dinner.

The Japanese also really seemed to enjoy torturing people as well.  During the war, they loved to inserting a glass rod in the penis of a prisoner, then shatter it with a mallet.  Peacetime made the Japanese even more perverse and sexually-driven in their pursuit of pain, which thankfully they seem happy to keep to themselves. There are rumors of particularity bizarre sex acts peculiar unto the Japanese, which again thankfully aren’t shared with outsiders.  The Japanese have an innate disdain for anything not Japanese, which is odd because outside of bizarre sexual practices, they have new ideas of their own or any native creativity.  Really all they did in their post-war re-invention was to copy everything America was doing at the time quite nicely, and even then, the Koreans beat them at their own game.

The good thing you can say about the Japanese is they possess an amazing resilience; we dropped two atomic bombs on them and it didn’t seem to have much effect.

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What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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