Forget the Suspension – Bob Evans Lays The Smackdown On Urban Meyer
Unless you live under a rock in a cave on the dark side of the moon which only gets service from Comcast, you know that Ohio State football coach just got handed a three-game suspension his “mishandling” of a domestic violence incident involving former Buckeyes wide receivers coach Zach Smith. Now, I’m not here to get into full “pearl-clutch” mode like the shit-sniffers at the World Wide Bottom Feeder; head over there if you want a belly full of “What kind of message does this send?” virtue-signaling.
Not only is that all a bunch of self-serving crap, there’s something very important getting lost in all of this. The key is in the phrase “belly full.” Pope Urban I just had his throne vacated as the “King of Kings” for your game-day “chain restaurant” choices. Just three days before Ohio State put their pigskin Pope on administrative leave, Urban Meyer signed a deal to be Bob Evans’ “head breakfast coach.”
If you don’t live in the right part of the country, and they don’t have a Bob Evans where you live, not only do you not get what serious shit this is, but you live a sad, empty life…but that’s for another time. Here in the heart of B1G Ten country, Bob Evans is a way of life. If you’ve never had sweet tea served in a Mason jar, you simply haven’t lived.
If you aren’t familiar, Bob Evans combines all-day breakfast with the best “down-home” diner-type fare out there. It’s a step-up from Denny’s as it opens and closes at the respectable hours held by good, God-Fearin’ country folk. You won’t find a Bob Evans full of drunks and those damn dirty hippie college kids at 3 a.m.
As far as the food, breakfast can be anything from a stack of flapjacks with bacon and eggs any way you like ’em, lunch finds you with a host of sandwich options including burgers as big as your head, and dinner can be anything from a full-on chicken dinner to a country fried steak with macaroni and cheese and mashed taters covered in that white gravy that turns to bridge-grade cement the minute it hits your arteries. I’d be getting a boner just thinking about it if my entire circulatory system weren’t more clogged than Elvis’ toilet.
In other words, it’s deliciously “trailer-trash” but you can wear your “Sunday Best” while you eat your way to Type II diabetes one sausage link at a time. I don’t know about where you live, but being next door in Indiana, I can tell you first-hand in Ohio, that’s some powerful shit.
Specific to the Buckeye State, it’s two most revered institutions are Bob Evans and THE Ohio State University. In fact, there are more Bob Evans franchises in Ohio than there are actual graduates of Ohio State, and it is Ohio law that all residents eat at a Bob Evans at least three time a week. This is easy since many Bob Evans restaurants are actually located inside trailer parks. Not so coincidentally, this is also why most Ohioans weigh only slightly less than a palate of truck transmissions.
But what carries even more weight than that is what a marriage between Bob Evans and THE Ohio State University would mean. Together, they would completely dominate the entire state. Sales would sky-rocket from the merging of marketing possibilities The menu at Bob Evans would start featuring things like the Buckeye Flapjack Stack with the all-new “Covers Up Everything” syrup, the Three Egg-spension Omelette, and my personal favorite, the “Battered Wife” Shrimp. Make sure you get that with a side of Black-Eyed peas.
The reverse of the cross-over works as well; Bob Evans could take over the concessions at Ohio Stadium. Get the Four-Fruit “Sucker Punch” Smoothie…there’s nothing better for washing down the Braised Pork-Knuckle Sandwich.
But no…it isn’t going to happen, at least for now. What could have made a lot of people a lot of money is going to be at the very least delayed because the brain-trust of Ohio State football couldn’t figure out how to cover their tracks from some quasi-credible claims from Sally Takeapunch.
Yeah, I just said that. When you get past the headlines on this story and do some actual digging, you’ll find out rather quickly there’s enough dirt to go around. Framing this story in the light of “victims and perpetrators” is incredibly easy, it makes people feel better, and those same people get to jump on a perceived moral high-ground.
It also ignores reality. This is an ugly story, handled badly, across the board and there’s isn’t a single starched white garment in the bunch. So, let’s cut through the bullshit and get to what this is all about.
Money.
Believe me when I say this. Clutch all the pearls you want, but there was no way Meyer was getting fired. Cry all the morality blues you want, the bottom line is the guy is successfully running a program worth far too much money to risk it’s potential for revenue-generation over this situation. If you doubt that, try this explanation of why Meyer was not fired told from a legal perspective.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. From Hammurabi to today, you can pick whichever system of jurisprudence you want and you will discover they all have the same fundamental fault. They all have different tiers for different people, and even the American Founding Fathers couldn’t overcome the root cause. The day after Hammurabi’s code was etched into that stele of black diorite, there was no way to avoid a tiered system of justice, and it’s been that way ever since. In other words, if Urban Meyer were still the head coach at Bowling Green where the football program isn’t that much of a cash cow, he’d have been fired. But in an instance which has ZERO chance of drawing NCAA problems, his job is as safe as safe can be.
Again, ignoring reality or simply crying about it won’t change anything.
“WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BATTERED WIFE SHRIMP?”
On top of all that, there’s no stopping Ohio State and Pope Urban I’s plans for world domination, with or without Bob Evans. I’d still put my money on “with,” because even though I’m piling the sarcasm higher than a big stack of Bob Evans’ buttermilk pancakes, there’s no denying both sides see the pure money-making potential in such a marketing arrangement. They are just going to wait until the heat’s off.
Besides, with Urban Meyer hawking a restaurant, I was really hoping for a modernized re-mix of the old Oscar Meyer Bologna song….
BECAUSE URBAN MEYER HAS A WAY WITH I-N-D-I-A-N-A…
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