The XFL: Second Week, First Impressions
So, the first two weeks of the XFL are in the books. When we’re not watching sports, Mrs. J-Dub is a fan of those travel shows hosted by chefs; along the likes of the late, great Anthony Bourdain or nowadays Gordon Ramsay. But the one matters here is Andrew Zimmern because when tasting new and exotic foods, he always had a “two bites” rule.
That’s why I waited until after the second weekend of the XFL before I opined. Frankly, the idea came to me after the first weekend, which while entertaining really didn’t geive me a sense of what this league might be. But after two bites, I feel a bit more confident on the bill of fare this league has to offer.
What We Have Learned
1) The On-Field Product Is Pretty Good
From the opening kick, I honestly expected to see guys who were seriously rusty and getting to new rules. In other words, I expected a ton of pre-snap penalties from lines not used to playing with each other and made even jumpier by dealing with the quickened pace of play from the shortened play clock. In actuality, there was very little of that.
Other than that, there’s talent in this league. Granted, it isn’t the NFL, but if that’s what you were expecting, that’s a “you” problem. The XFL is solid-quality minor-league football, so if you can enjoy that for what it is, you’ll be fine investing some of your weekend time in this league.
2) Apparently, Attempted Murder Is Perfectly Legal
@TheNoeShow @AndyFurmanFSR Guy took two shots to the helmet….no flags…pretty cool pic.twitter.com/XYCeRVKsYy
— MR.NiceGuy (@Nightstokker) February 9, 2020
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We all know that if what you saw in that clip happened in the NFL, there would be people getting sent to Guantanamo. The head shots gets your attention, but the pièce de résistance for trying to kill a dude is the forearm across the throat.
3) Jerry Fuckin’ Glanville
Glanville was once one of the great defensive and special teams minds in the NFL. But in his own words, the NFL stood for “Not For Long” after he became known as the guy who gave away Brett Favre for the proverbial bag of magic beans. Still chipper at 78, even though Glanville may be on the coaching staff of the worst team in this league, he is still worth a pretty damn good sound bite. For those of you who aren’t aren’t familiar with Glanville’s sheer entertainment value, this video serves up all you need.
4) They May Have Already Found Their Version Of Jason Garrett
Heading into Week 1, the Los Angeles Wildcats had penciled in NFL journeyman quarterback Josh Johnson as their starter. But he came up with a bad leg, so head coach Winston Moss tagged career “camp-arm” Chad Kanoff as his quarterback. Kanoff quickly displayed why he’s been in in and out of more NFL camps than their food services vendor. That’s exactly ho wformer Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett got his start, and guess what? Both Garrett and Kanoff played their college football at Princeton.
5) Speaking of Ex-Cowboys…
Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has become the best football broadcaster in America because he has n innate ability to tell you exactly what is going to happen before it does. Fox is trying to do the same thing with Joel Klatt. That’;s not working because Klatt never played pro ball, which may explain why he can’t get it right even when the coaches play calls are being mic’ed up and broadcast live.
As wrong as it may be, this is all I can picture when I hear the name Joel Klatt. There’s probably still part of his brain on that field,. I’m not saying that’s why he gets consistently gets play calls wrong, nor am I saying that’s why he gives us gems like “‘Scissors’ means this is a crossing route.” I just wanted a reason to use that video.
6) Speaking of Putting Microphones on Coaches…
“Could you speak up, Coach? France didn’t hear you!”
So, let me see if I understand this…the very same sports networks that keep calling for the Houston Astros to be executed for “sigh-stealing” are the same ones who are LIVE BROADCASTING THE PLAY CALLS?!?!
7) Speaking Of Networks…
While this may be one of the major advantages the XFL has over the AAF, the presence of major network coverage is yet another example of how much ESPN sucks dog dick. Fox’s Joel Klatt may be a boob, but at least he’s not a microphone-wielding hack like ESPN’s Dianna Russini.
ESPN would get better results if they let the football ask the questions.
If I were to start an XFL drinking game, and if one of the rules was to take a shot every time Russini asked an inane question, I’d be piss-drunk by halftime…even sooner if I doubled-down on any of her questions which started with “Tell me your thought process when…” The best part is she has an uncanny knack for doing this literally twenty seconds after somebody has thrown their third interception or some other game-sealing miscue. That’s why she’s already leading the league is capturing “F-Bombs” on live television. It’s only a matter of time before she gets called a unbroadcastable name.
8 ) Wanna Bet?
The XFL has clearly embraced gambling; the over/under and point spread for each game figure prominently in the score graphic. But there’s “Alanis Morrissette”-level irony in the fact that despite the gambling-friendly nature of the XFL, it is nearly impossible to bet on a league nobody knows a goddamn thing about. If that weren’t enough, the XFL’s three-tier approach to conversions after touchdown just looks like a post-spread wrecking machine.
9) Gambling Isn’t The Only Thing The XFL Is Embracing
BEER SNAKE OF THE CENTURY pic.twitter.com/hXta9yw41k
— XFL (@xfl2020) February 15, 2020
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That’s not a “beer snake.” That’s a “beer python.”
10) Gambling Isn’t The Only Thing The XFL Is Embracing, Part II
First shutout of the season calls for shotgunning in the @BudLight Seltzer Lounge! pic.twitter.com/dQF3NVNGuD
— DC Defenders (@XFLDefenders) February 15, 2020
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Bonus:
Being a blogger based in the heart of Purdue boilermaker country, and since I know some members of the local media follow Dubsism, if I do a piece on the XFL and don’t mention Purdue’s head football coach Jeff Brohm’s role in the first incarnation of this league, they might break my pencils.
In honor of the XFL returning this weekend, here’s Jeff Brohm dropping one of the greatest quotes in football history during his XFL tenure:
— ISC Purdue 🚂💨💨💨 (@ISC_PU) February 9, 2020
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Here’s Which Teams We Think Might Be Good..And Which Ones Might Not
1) Houston Roughnecks: I originally thought this team was slim on talent, but so far quarterback P.J. Walker looks like this league’s MVP.
2) D.C. Defenders: This could be the most complete team in this league. But they haven’t gone on the road yet, and quarterback Cardale Jones shows as many signs of promise as he does reasons for concern.
3) St.Louis Battlehawks: This is easily the most physical team in this league on both sides of the ball. They are still rounding into form and they haven’t played a home game yet. Plays tough haven’t had a home game yet
4) Dallas Renegades: The buzz on the Renegades after Week One was that without starting quarterback Landry Jones, the jury was still out on this. It’s still out because they got physically pushed around by St. Louis, and arguably under-performed against a not very good Los Angeles team.
5) New York Guardians: The XFL’s “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde;” they notched a convincing win in Week 1…then suffered a troubling loss in Week 2. But before we hang this all on Matt McGloin, let’s ask ourselves a question. How many times did Eli Manning lead the league in interceptions running a Kevin Gilbride offense?
6) Seattle Dragons: Regardless of the league, it”s hard to generate consistent offensive production with a front-five which is already injury-depleted…especially when they are protecting a back-up quarterback.
7) Los Angeles Wildcats: Originally, the narrative was this team needed to get quarterback Josh Johnson healthy. They got that, and it didn’t seem to make much difference. So, now what?
8 ) Tampa Bay Vipers: For this team to win, Jerry Glanville’s defense needs to pitch shutouts every week and score at least 14 points. Two weeks in, and this team has a single offensive touchdown as a point differential of -28. This team really needs to make the move to Quinton Flowers at quarterback.
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Ugh… does this mean I have to watch now or can I just come here for weekly updates?
XFL hasn’t quite caught on yet in SportsChump Manor but I will try to hit a game and give you a live feed.
If the league wants to make an impact, it’s best to do what fans want the NFL to do but doesn’t. As you said, do the Costanza opposite of the No Fun League.
By your account, it appears they’re doing so.
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I wouldn’t count on weekly updates…and it likely doesn’t help Tampa may be the worst team in the league…
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