What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
The infamous Inspector Clouseau once detected a clue by determining in his own unique, bumbling way about the subtle, yet important differences between types of wax. In the same respect, all gambling is not the same. There’s a hierarchy in gambling…just like in the performing arts. At the top, there’s award winning actors like Peter “Inspector Clouseau” Sellers. On the opposite end, you have street mimes and corn-bag magicians.
It’s the same way with gambling. At the top, there’s the regal nature of going to the track to bet on “the sport of kings.” This is not to be confused with betting on horse racing from those “off track betting” joints; that’s just the gambling version of eating at McBurgerQueen and deluding yourself it’s hauté cuisine.
At the bottom of the gambling food chain is something called the “pull-tab.” To be honest, I’m not sure if these exist outside of the Midwest. If you’re not familiar, pull-tabs combine the gambling-crack instant gratification of video poker with the lowest of low-rent status reserved for gas station scratch-off ticket. That’s why they are at their most popular amongst guys in “trucker” hats who guzzle gallons of cheap-shit beer while rummaging through these things. If you’ve ever seen The Blues Brothers, I’m amazed the floor of Bob’s Country Bunker wasn’t littered with spent pull-tabs.
The point here is that of all the forms of gambling, pull-tabs have the lowest rate of return. The “trucker” hats will drop $100 on these things and will be happy if they win $15. That’s how I felt last week after wagering over $4,000 to profit a grand total of $135. Don’t get me wrong, ending up any money ahead is always better than that desperate Monday morning trip to the plasma center, but that’s what happens when Ed Orgeron gets a huge win (which I didn’t have) which still didn’t save his job (more on that in another piece).
Anyway, when you tack that $135 on to J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll, the grand total for the year stands at $7,170…unless I head over to Bob’s Country Bunker to buy a couple of pitchers and some pull-tabs.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):
Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.
That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.
If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.
Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…
Wisconsin (-3) at Purdue O/U 40 $50 Wisconsin
We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Texas A&M Aggies.
Texas A&M (-19) at South Carolina O/U 44.5 $50 Over
It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”
Brigham Young (-3) at Washington State O/U 55.5 $500 Brigham Young
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