First of all, fuck you Alanis Morissette. Thanks to that gargling shit-heap of a song you unleashed on the world back in the 90s, nobody really knows the true definition of ironic anymore.
That’s how I can get away with asking isn’t it ironic that an avowed hater of all things Christmas married arguably the biggest Christmas lover this side of Buddy the fucking Elf? Irony or not, the real question is how have I managed not to go full “Moe Szyslak” yet.
Somewhere in the answer to that question lies the raison d’être of this blog…a repository of my quasi-toxic rants. Given all that, it makes perfect sense I may have “poison-penned” plenty of shit about Christmas. This is the year it finally occurred to me that I may very well have hit bottom when it comes to this. Like many other popular, yet not-so-talented artists, I’ve got enough material for my own Greatest Hits release.
It only seems logical to start with the reasons this time of year has me spewing more bile than a cable news network.
Here’s the first six…
Why not make it an even dozen?
Not mention to mention this time of year has it own completely ear-rapey genre of music…
In the spirit of Abe Lincoln, two score or forty songs ago, I tried to poke my eardrums out with a pencil…
Why stop at forty?
Oh, and as long as the subject is out there…here’s the definitive break-down as to why Die Hard IS NOT A FUCKING CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!
Speaking of “Christmas” movies, here’s one everybody fucking loves…except me. My issue with it: just like Die Hard, IT’S NOT A FUCKKING CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!! It’s also a COMPLETE GODDAMNED LIE!!!
Now, how about an actual Christmas movie that I hate…but I would bet is beloved by communists.
For purposes of equal time, there are two Christmas movies I don’t hate. Imagine that…
Finally, to bring this back to a full circle worthy of being Dante’s tenth concentric ring of Hell, there’s one final trip back to the aural nightmare that is Christmas music. Simply put, there’s a discussion which needs to had concerning about when Christmas is really supposed to be…
There’s your greatest hits! Merry Christmas, assholes…
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Got a question, comment, or just want to yell at us? Hit us up at dubsism@yahoo.com, @Dubsism on Twitter, or on our Pinterest, Tumblr, or Instagram, or Facebook pages, and be sure to bookmark Dubsism.com so you don’t miss anything from the most interesting independent sports blog on the web.
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