The Deep Six: Shit I Really Hate About Christmas
So, today is Christmas Day, which means tomorrow morning, I will wake up in an America where the massive phoniness known as “the Christmas season” will fucking finally be over. Part of me thinks Christmas might not be all bad if it could be kept at reasonable levels. But expecting that in “deluxe/super-sized/all-you-can-eat America” is like believing you can chug-a-lug the ocean. Every year for the past half-century, I’ve been enduring this non-sense only to watch it get worse annually. That’s why I’m putting you all on notice. Here’s six things which are horribly wrong with Christmas, and you now have a full year to get them fixed.
1) Radio Stations Which Go “All Christmas Music, All The Time”
Some of these fucking stations do this as much as two weeks before Thanksgiving, and that’s just audial terrorism. There’s only like fifty Christmas songs in total, and I’ve already broken most of them for their varying levels of horrible (you can see those rants here and here). Making it completely impossible to surf the radio in my car without hearing a non-stop cavalcade of this cacophony is a war crime, and as such I should be justified in strapping 20 pounds of TNT to the transmitter of any station that does this.
Wait…I might save a pound or two for the station’s program director.
2) Egg Nog
Egg nog is proof that whoever convoluted Christmas into the nightmare it is today knew EXACTLY what they were doing. This is the one time of year where I need a liquid crutch, and egg nog is the perfect way of kicking that crutch out from under me. Seriously, the only people who like this shit probably like drinking pancake batter. The only upside to egg nog is that when it appears, it means the season for that pumpkin spice abomination is over.
3) Stores Which Push Christmas Before Halloween
There was a dark, terrible time in my life when I was a manager in a “big-box” retail outlet. That means I know first-hand about this atrocity. Not only is it completely destroying the idea of Christmas itself and totally obviating Thanksgiving, there’s a vicious circle of stupidity behind this. “Brick and Mortar” retail in America is a race to the bottom; the stores that are going belly-up now failed 20 years ago to foresee E-commerce and recognize it’s impact. The expansion of the Holiday season is a misguided attempt to expand the time of year when most stores make their profit for the year; the thinking being a longer holiday season means a larger profit. The sheer number or retailers who have down-sized, filed for bankruptcy, or flat-out gone under tells you how well that theory is working.
But the worst part is the very same ass-wipes who bitch this stuff, the very same people who bitch about stores being open on Thanksgiving, are the very same hypocritical dick-breaths who love all that “Black Friday” bullshit. They should all get rectal cancer.
4) Lay-a-Way Ads
This is another tale told as a former retail manager. Now, I understand there are some people in this world who just don’t have a lot of money, and lay-a-way is a nice means for those families to still have a nice Christmas. But there’s three damnable lies those lay-a-way commercials.
First of all, the simple fact you see less of these ads is a direct result of the rise of the “rent-to-own” stores, where instead of waiting until your lay-a-away gets paid off at no interest to get your stuff, you can take it all home today for a cost that makes the fiscal cock in your ass you’d get from a loan shark seem comfortable in comparison.
That’s because the honest, hard-working families you see in those commercials are having everything ruined for them by deadbeat shitbags who make bad decisions on a professional level. If going to the “rent-to-own” store to get a $600 television for only $2,000 doesn’t tell all you need to know about why these people don’t have any money, then when the “rent-to-own” store repossesses that television when the deadbeats quit paying after only $1,200 should.
Secondly, even if K-Mart weren’t circling the drain, the only people left who shop there are Mexicans who pay for everything with cash and seniors citizens who are the only people on earth who still write out old-school checks. Say what you will, but that means they have money. That’s why the last bastion of large-scale lay-a-way left is Wal-Mart. Walk through any Wal-Mart in America, and you will see very quickly this is where the no-money crowd congregates. Again, I’m not talking about honest, hard-working families who live on modest incomes, I’m talking about the welfare case walking around Wal-Mart with a shopping cart full of Spaghettio’s and vodka and so many mis-matched kids they look like a Benetton ad on food stamps. These are the people who think the rules don’t apply to them because for some reason in America, we feel the need to cater to sludge, and it’s the hard-working family who gets fucked by that.
Lastly, what nobody realizes is that the closer you get to Christmas before you pick-up your lay-a-way, you increase the chances that a store employee stole all your shit, or that the store flat-out lost it. There’s nothing that will make you hate Christmas more than being the guy who has to tell a decent family on December 24th their entire Christmas is somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. If it’s some collection of shitbags, I couldn’t care less. So your little welfare-urchins don’t get Christmas; so fucking what? They have no futures anyway other than a life full of disappointments and defeat worse than this anyway; all because there are people in this world who simply shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
But nothing sucks more than being “The Grinch” to that honest, hard-working family, because there simply isn’t a goddamn thing you can do about it. Even if you give them quadruple the amount you lost in compensation, by then the store shelves are empty. Merry Christmas kids…here’s your can of Dinty Moore beef stew!
If “The Grinch” really wanted to fuck up the holiday, he would have made sure everybody in Whoville had their entire Christmas on lay-a-way.
5) Ugly Sweaters
I’ll admit it…I fell for this shit once. Then I saw a picture of myself in it. I couldn’t look more like an idiot if you gave me a fully-automated, electrically-powered “look like an idiot” machine. The “ugly sweater” thing has gotten so out of control that now an entire nation of people think it’s perfectly acceptable to be seen in public in shit like this.
It isn’t. It never was. It never will be. Fucking stop it right now.
6) The “Spirit of the Season”
So, let me see if I get this straight. As Americans, we treat each other like radioactive dogshit for eleven months, then all of a sudden because the calendar says “December,” all of a sudden it’s “peace on earth, goodwill toward man.” What phony bullshit, especially in this country today where we will stop speaking to each other over differences of opinion. America is more divided to day than ti has been since the days of the Civil War, and people actually think some ugly sweaters and some shitty eggnog is going to fix that. We need to get back to the point where we actually take time to talk to our families, so we can stop speaking to them because we know what genuinely shitty human beings they are.
Merry Christmas, assholes…
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#1 really sucked when I listened more to the radio (now I listen to music on Music Choice and You Tube). There was this one radio station who wouldn’t play regular music from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2.
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#7…
I caught Jalen and Jacoby the other night. Not an entirely bad show, especially when you compare it to the normal programming the four-letter enlightens us with.
For their Christmas episode, they argued over whether the whole ‘force someone to kiss you under the mistletoe’ was either a boss move or a soft move.
I forget who argued which point but while one argued it was a boss move, the other argued why a little foliage should allow a person to essentially date rape someone else.
Now, speaking of date rape, I’m gonna go finish watching the Chargers end the Ravens season.
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And there’s why ESPN is a dying animal. So, now a simple mistletoe kiss equals forcible penetration? Now all I need some “social justice feminist” ball-cracker to give some lofty load of crap about “boundaries” and lecture me about how “rape jokces” aren’t funny…
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