What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
Hello…my name is J-Dub, and I fucking hate Christmas. Part of the reason why is the never-ending assault on my eardrums from that audial communism known as Christmas music. There’s a sleigh full of Alanis Morrissette-level irony in the fact that I love music; I’ve been a musician for almost all of my life. But there’s something exceptionally torturous about the sounds of the season.
I’m not sure I can count all the reasons why I believe that if you could turn rectal cancer into sound waves, they would strongly resemble like Christmas music. I know that at the top of the list is the “binge” factor. Even if you could find a Christmas song I don’t hate, I will be emptying a pistol into my radio after I’ve heard it for the 75th time in one day. Of course, you can thank those terrorist-run radio stations that does nothing but spew that holiday propaganda from Thanksgiving on for that. Spending five years as a manager in a “big-box” retail outlet didn’t help either.
The best way to explain my disdain for Christmas music is on a song-by-song basis. I’ve already covered the classics you know (you can see all the all the Christmas songs I hate here), but I keep finding new instruments of torture which still deserve a special level of hatred.
That’s why once again, I’m here to shit all over your festive spirit. You’re welcome
Ray Stevens: “Santa Claus is Watchin’ You”
The big problem with Ray Stevens is that if you are too young to know who he is, you’re also probably also young to realize he’s a bad mash-up of “Weird” Al Yankovic and Yakov Smirnoff. If that doesn’t explain this guy to you, what you need to realize is his humor is somewhere in the “painfully not funny” zone between “Knock-Knock” jokes and toothaches. Combine that with Christmas music, and the result has an enjoyability factor somewhere between having your teeth drilled and being sent to a Communist forced-labor camp.
In Soviet Russia, Christmas songs torture you!
New Kids On The Block: “Funky, Funky Xmas”
Expecting anything remotely “”funky” from this song is like expecting whole grain bread and getting Wonder. Of course, what else would you expect from a bunch of white-bread Mass-holes? Let’s be honest, Mass-holes are the only people this side of girls who were teen-agers in 1990 who could stomach these blowhacks, and he fact that NKOTB launched the Wahlbergs into at least three decades of the American conscience means there should be an extra-hot section of Hell reserved for them.
Set It Off: “This Christmas (I’ll Burn It To The Ground)”
Hating Christmas is nothing new; I’ve already penned worthy reasons for doing so. But shitting all over the holiday season for no other reason than you are a whiny millennial is just being a giant pain-in-the-ass. There’s nothing like listening to the tale of a kid living the cushy life the suburbs afford, and torching it all over little more than badly-placed “white guilt.” This is little more than a modern (albeit dumber) version of “Happy Christmas;” John Lennon’s reminder than even millionaires can be soft-lived hypocritical cunts.
Fall Out Boy: “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out”
Another example of some smarmy millennial fuck-wads bitching about “rich” people in the suburbs until they made some money, had kids of their own and realized how shit really works. The recipe for this garbage is two parts “loathing of the middle-class suburban holiday” and three parts heartbreak and disappointment…which is typical under-25 bullshit. Everybody goes through rough patches until they grow up, realize who the fuck they really are, and live their lives accordingly.
This is why all of us over the age of 50 laugh uncontrollably at every single skull full of mush under 30. You think you know something about how life works, when in fact you couldn’t even spell “life” if we spotted you the first three letters. Then again, getting this kind of song-writing from the “FML/”emoji” crowd shouldn’t be surprising; the de-evolution of language they are causing will have us all scrawling on cave walls in a few generations.
On the other hand, this song might just be tolerable were it reduced to guttural grunts and sticks banging on rocks.
The Killers: “Don’t Shoot Me Santa”
This fat, little turd might just represent the utterly nihilist mindset of millennials as it combines the “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” mentality with their completely misplaced sense of “saving the world.” The same sense of delusion that makes one believe a Christmas movie can feature automatic weapons fire and multiple homicides also also allows thinking a song can help stop the spread of infectious disease in Africa. That’s how you get a Christmas song based on taking Santa Claus hostage and threatening to waste him while having the proceeds going to the Global Fund for investment in African AIDS programs. Sure, why not? Then we can all meet at the beach and spend Christmas Day trying to push back the ocean with a broom.
But as part of the spirit of the season, I’ll give you “Die Hard” as a Christmas movie if I get “Stalag 17.” After all, it also takes places during the holidays and has a bunch of machine guns that kill a bunch of people. Merry Christmas and Fröhliche Weihnachten! Sieg Heil!
Tiny Tim: “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS”
Who knew Christmas and AIDS were a thing? Too bad The Killers didn’t do their attempt at an AIDS benefit before Santa himself bought the “golden ticket.” Well, he really didn’t, but this song still sucks in major way.
The problem here was this song was actually written in 1980 before the AIDS epidemic took center stage in America. In an unfortunate coincidence, Tiny Tim actually wrote this song about a candy that was marketed as an appetite suppressant called Ayds. The problem is once actor Rock Hudson died from AIDS, the term became a household word, and the homophonous nature of the names crushed the sales of the diet candy, eventually forcing the company to withdraw it from the market.
In other words, this asshole tried to ruin Christmas with a song making light of Santa’s morbid obesity, and stumbled into associating Jolly ol’ St. Nick with a disease primarily reserved for homosexuals and intravenous drug abusers.
You can see all the Christmas songs I hate here.
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