Veteran’s Day is about more than just honoring those who served. There’s an inherent unity between those who wore the uniform and those who appreciate the sacrifices they made. This piece focuses on one of those unions that doesn’t often get much attention. Civilian or military, we’ve all had shitty bosses.

Since I’ve been working on a series talking about the shittiest kinds of co-workers, J-Dub (who served in the Marine Corps) came up with the idea for us to examine those shitty bosses by comparing the ranks of military officers to their civilian world equivalents. After all, regardless of whether they wear a uniform or a suit, all bosses serve to digest your dreams so they can be shit out of the bowels of some large organizational beast.

So, in honor of Veteran’s Day, and to shine a light on that under-celebrated union, here’s a reference guide to spot your shitty boss.

Junior Grade Officers

Junior grade officers in the U.S. military are the equivalent of the “entry-level” management in a civilian company. They serve in direct leadership and developmental roles, focusing on mission execution, technical expertise, and the supervision of small teams.

Military Rank 0-1: Second Lieutenant (Navy: Ensign)

• Civilian Equivalent: Team Lead
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: The entry-level rank for commissioned officers. In line units, they generally serve as platoon leaders.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: The seed-corn for a genuine asshole. This is the rank pre-dominantly responsible for the invention of the term “fragging.”
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: Usually some pain-in-the-ass twerp who knows just enough to be dangerous. They have a title, but despite what they think, they have no real authority.

Military Rank 0-2: First Lieutenant (Navy: Lieutenant Junior Grade)

• Civilian Equivalent: Supervisor or Assistant Manager
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: Similar in responsibilities to a Second Lieutenant, but they have been given broader duties and leadership responsibilities.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: One promotion makes them think they’re MacArthur, but they couldn’t even run a McDonald’s.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: Advanced pain-in-the-ass twerp. Still doesn’t have any real authority, but now has a superiority complex to go with their complete ineptitude. Better yet, they’re hyper-arrogant about it.

Military Rank 0-3: Captain (Navy: Lieutenant)

• Civilian Equivalent: Manager
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: The most senior company-grade officer, this is the first “up or out” rank. Unless they have a specialty (medical, aviation, etc...), Captains usually serve as company commanders or as staff officers at the battalion level.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: This is the first rank where you can see who has learned the power of positive ass-kissing. This is also the first level that has any appreciable responsibility. Competence is completely irrelevant because half of these guys won’t be around in two years. Of the half that’s left, most of those are well on their way to the “buys the cheap shit in the plastic jug” level of alcoholism. The most useless out of what’s left get promoted.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: In the civilian world, this is also where you find the people who should never be promoted again. So, you either need to get rid of them, or you end up with a shitload of worthless 50-year old fucks with titles that always begin with “Assistant.”

Senior Grade Officers

Regardless of civilian or military, these mid-level leaders assume responsibility for larger units, broader mission planning, and operational management. As you’ll see, the civilians have titles which more accurately reflect their roles; their military counterparts often hold command positions at the squadron/battalion or regiment level.

Military Rank 0-4: Major (Navy: Lieutenant Commander)

• Civilian Equivalent: District Manager
• J-Dub’s “Offical” Military Description: Major is the first rank for field grade leaders. Majors usually serve as top-level staff officers at the brigade level, or as the executive officer (second in command) at the battalion or regiment level.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: Most Majors were Captains who a) kissed enough ass, b) hid their alcoholism, c) never fucked up enough to get in trouble, and d) never did anything that might make them a “rock star.” In other words, they can’t be complete fuck-ups, but they also can’t be talented enough to get promoted over/faster than their seniors.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: This is the person who fucked up their operation less than their peers, so now they get to fuck up those as well. There’s no problem they think can’t be solved with the right spreadsheet and thinks foreplay can be achieved through email. This is also the person who thinks they are one promotion away from trading up to the brand-new Lexus.

Military Rank 0-5: Lieutenant Colonel (Navy: Commander)

• Civilian Equivalent: Regional Manager
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: The typical Lieutenant Colonel serves in mid-level command and senior staff positions or in command roles in squadron/battalion level unit.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: This is mainly a grade for Majors with graying temples who are headed in one of two directions. The first are the ones who have a) been around long to know what to do and b) have actually learned the machinations of organizational bullshit so they know how to get things actually done. The other is guys who got promoted into a useless staff position to make them attractive enough to civilian employers so they can be nudged toward retirement.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: If Lieutenant Colonels are the first rank of officer that actually knows anything, then the same holds true for a Regional Manager. However in both cases, the problem is the only thing they are interested in is getting to their own retirement or their next promotion. The best have mastered the art of keeping their subordinates busy playing “telephone” with each other so they never get bothered. Their weekly Zoom call serves mostly as a “proof-of-life” video.

Military Rank 0-6: Colonel (Navy: Captain)

• Civilian Equivalent: Director
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: The rank of Colonel is for senior staff leaders in headquarters and division/wing level units, or in the command structure of such units.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: Colonels are simply the auditioning class to be Generals. But the competition gets stiff for the want of that star. That’s why the younger a Colonel is, the less trustworthy they are. The old birds are usually waiting for a certain number of years of service, a certain fat civilian job offer, and/or are content to be amongst the 95% of Colonels who never get promoted again.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: In most corporations, director is the last stop before upper management. The best way to describe this is to take J-Dub’s assessment of the Lieutenant who thinks they’re MacArthur and add 20 years so that assistant manager knows they’re a sniff away from Mahogany Row and a door with their name on it. Just like in the military, this makes anybody at this level completely untrustworthy. But the beauty is like Colonels, 95% of directors never get promoted again.

Flag Grade Officers

In the civilian world, these are the Vice Presidents and executives who have the word “Chief” in their titles. In the military, these are senior leaders who provide strategic planning, head major ​​command structures, and direct long-term force development and readiness.

0-7: Brigadier General (Navy: Rear Admiral Lower Half)

• Civilian Equivalent: Vice President (“Assistant” or “Garden” Variety)
  • J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: This is the first rank for a general officer. To be promoted to this level, a candidate must be selected by the President from a list assembled by a staff of general officers; then confirmed by the Senate.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: This is usually the highest rank where you can still see complete incompetence. Because Brigadier Generals must retire after 30 years of service or after five years in their rank, BGs come in two forms. The vast majority are washed-up Colonels who are getting a “handshake” toward retirement, or they’re younger guys being groomed for top-level command.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: The Assistant Vice President or the one who doesn’t have a title that actually means something usually has almost no record of accomplishing anything. They also got to where they are strictly on political prowess. In other words, they aren’t capable of doing anything, but they can be a real pain-in-the-ass because they can bring top-level management down on you. While they can’t make any real decisions, they can influence those who do. Fortunately, 95% of them don’t really care, and the others are usually easy to sandbag.

0-8: Major General (Navy: Rear Admiral)

• Civilian Equivalent: Vice President (“Senior” or “Executive” Variety)
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: Major Generals typically command large operational formations, such as division/wing sized units. The selection and promotion process is similar to that for a Brigadier General, the difference being Major Generals must retire after five years in grade or 35 years of service, unless they are appointed for promotion or reappointed to grade.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: Civilian organizations have never figured out the military model of weeding out incompetence at this level. We all know the “politically expedient promotion;” the civilian world drips with them. They only occur in the military when there’s a Democrat in the White House; the five-year rule functions largely to allow Presidents who understand how the military actually works to clean out the weak leaders.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: As the average worker bee, this is the highest rank you’re ever likely to see, unless you have reason to be around corporate headquarters. Even then, this level gets dispatched to the field only when it’s time for some quasi-annual meeting or if somebody has decided it’s time to make your local boss nervous.

0-9: Lieutenant General (Navy: Vice Admiral)

• Civilian Equivalent: “C”-level executives other than CEO
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: From here on out, the ranks are temporary and are linked to the office held, and officers may only achieve three-star grade if they are appointed to positions that require such rank. Lieutenant Generals are typically responsible for major commands, strategic operational sectors, or for advising senior leadership on policy, strategy, and force readiness.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: These are old guys who have too many connections to be put out to pasture, but have outgrown their usefulness at the operational level. That makes them perfect for the political dirty work required at this level.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: In smaller companies, these are almost always overpromoted windbags who offer little more than bad taste in business attire and a knowledge base that’s hopelessly out of date. In larger corporations, they’re just better dressed, are only n-1 behind the times, and went to the right schools/belong to the right circles.

0-10: General (Navy: Admiral)

• Civilian Equivalent: Chief Executive Officer (CEO)/Chairman of the Board
• J-Dub’s “Official” Military Description: As mentioned, four-star grades are also linked to the office held, and officers may only achieve four-star grade if they are appointed to positions that require such rank. As the grade is temporary, an officer may only hold the active rank of general until the expiration of their term of office; the standard tour for most Generals is a two-year term with the possibility of being renominated for additional term, but the chairman and the vice chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff, the service branch chiefs, and the chief of the National Guard Bureau normally serve a single four-year term.
• J-Dub’s Actual Military Description: Generals are just Lieutenant Generals who had better connections, usually because they graduated from a service academy.
• T.U.B’s Civilian Description: At least the military has a means of forcing these old fucks out when it’s time. But too many CEOs/Chairmen end up owning enough stock that getting rid of them can be a tricky maneuver all it’s own. Understanding the dangers of geriatric leadership only requires you to work in a company with a CEO/Chairman over 75. The problem will be obvious.

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