Trash-Talking the 2024 NCAA Tournament “Sweet Sixteen”

Now that we are past the first and heading head-long into the second weekend of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, some of you may be happy with your bracket, and some are lamenting the fact their brackets are so much smoldering wreckage. That would be me…Kentucky and Baylor on Monday Night? What the fuck was I thinking? I’m blaming low blood sugar.

Excuses aside, and no matter which side of the carnage your brackets lie, the bottom line is the odds are that the team you have your hopes pinned on is going to let you down.  The service we here at Dubsism provide is giving you ammunition which which you can load your “curse” gun when that finally happens.

As such, consider yourself warned.  If you tend to go all “snowflake” and are easily offended, do us all a favor and read no further.  This March tradition harks back to the original purpose of Dubsism; a home for my profanity-filled and completely offensive tirades.  So, if you send me your hate-mail because I just took a giant Hormel Chili-fueled shit all over something you hold dear, I’ll know you didn’t take this warning seriously.

Alabama:

When one conjures images of the “Deep South,” they simply don’t get much deeper than Alabama. Usually, it’s football more closely associated with the Crimson Tide, but after Kentucky’s complete fold job, the boys from ‘Bama get to carry the banner fir SEC hoops. At least this year nobody’s talking about any Alabama players being involved in a murder…yet.

Arizona:

Despite this state’s resemblance to an American version of Afghanistan and it’s being dominated by the most inhospitable climate this side of the Sudan, it’s still not the worst place in America. However, thanks to this state’s rather liberal acceptance criteria for it’s state schools combined with our current “open borders” immigration policies, in a few more years Arizona will be little more than a desert-based sea of underachieving college students, a few of who will be randomly eaten by Haitian cannibals.

Connecticut:

As the defending champions, you would think they would be the favorites to win again. Well, they are…depending you where you shop for your odds. +250 isn’t a great payout, but if you’re putting money on college basketball futures bets, then you’re exactly the kind of loser this team needs in it’s fan base.

The logic is simple. UConn can’t be much of a school because Connecticut isn’t much of a state. It’s really just a few hundred square miles of land neither New York or Massachusetts wanted sandwiched in between toll booths. In fact, all those crappy little New England states are like the crumbs left in the bottom of bag of potato chips. That also describes UConn fans; small, broken, and needlessly greasy.

Clemson:

I really have no idea who Clemson was, nor why anybody decided to name South Carolina A&M after him. Frankly, I quit trying to explain a state that was the first to secede from the Union (the side which at least pretended not to be a bunch of racists); after which we inexplicably fought to get it back.

Creighton:

This the second year in a row Creighton has made the Sweet Sixteen. As I’ve admitted, last year at this time, I had never heard of this school. Two months later, after I’ve discovered it’s a Jesuit university in Omaha, Nebraska, where does fate take me? Fucking Omaha.

Have you ever been to Omaha? Picture Des Moines with even less of a cosmopolitan feel. Now, the hotel I stayed in there was actually very nice…by Nebraska standards. It had indoor plumbing, but no WiFi. At least I didn’t have to climb the pole to use the phone.

Duke:

It simply isn’t that much fun hating Duke anymore now that “K”oach Rat Face is gone. For some reason, they replaced with somebody who is either a really tall prepubescent or possibly a transgender volleyball player. It’s a distinction without a difference because Duke still plays its floor-slapping, completely ball-less style.

Illinois:

In France, sparkling wines can only be called “champagne” if it’s sourced from grapes grown in the Champagne region. At the University of Illinois, such a “top-shelf” beverage is unheard of. In fact, haute couture in Champaign, Illinois doesn’t get much past truck-stop fortified wine.

Iowa State:

What can you say about Iowa State that hasn’t been said before? Of course, that vey statement begs the question why the hell would anybody be talking Iowa State in the first place? It’s little more than the typical midwestern state engineering/agriculture school whose greatest contribution to either discipline was how to make corncob pipes suitable for smoking Iowa ditch weed.

Gonzaga:

This marks the 9^th season in a row in which Gonzaga has made the Sweet Sixteen. Frankly, we’ve simply run out of things to say about a school nestled in the least-interesting part of one of the least interesting states in America. Face it, the “exciting” part of Washington leads the nation in over-priced coffee and suicide per capita; while the greater Spokane region is the nation’s leader for the production of onions and that yellow toe-nail fungus.

Houston:

There was a time when Houston occupied a prestigious spot in the pantheon of college basketball; that was the era of Elvin Hayes through “Phi Slamma Jamma.” All five Final Fours reached by the University of Houston occurred during the Guy Lewis era.  The problem is that Guy Lewis is dead, and sadly…Kelvin “The Snail” Sampson is not.

I call Sampson “The Snail” because short of Bruce “Tit Sweat” Pearl, he’s the sleaziest coach in all of the game. As such, he leaves a trail of slime where ever he goes, hence “The Snail.” Fret not Houston fans, like Indiana and Oklahoma before you, the Cougars soon will be under an NCAA investigation. It’s only fitting that “The Snail” is in this year’s Sweet Sixteen and “Tit Sweat” is not .

Marquette:

This year, the Big East played the “victim” card, crying and moaning about not getting more teams into the “Big Dance.” Let’s just cut through the bullshit here. This isn’t the Big East I grew up on. This league now is a watered-down memory of days gone by, and sorry-ass teams like Marquette are only suited to be recollections for today’s bunch of “participation-trophy” Nancy-boys.

North Carolina and North Carolina State:

If there were ever a place that really didn’t need two giant state schools, North Carolina springs to mind. Realistically, the best thing you can say about North Carolina State is that it isn’t North Carolina. While the difference is only slightly more than cosmetic, North Carolina fancies itself as an “elite” institution. The reality is UNC is a state school awash in soft-brains in sock caps who think communism is just fine so long as it can be delivered by UberGrubDashEats. Not to mention, nobody really knows what a “Tar Heel” is; but given where we are, it’s rather likely the nickname started as some sort of racial epithet.

As for the school with the temerity to keep “State” in it’s moniker, the Wolfpack have a basketball pedigree all their own, despite it’s pedestrian nature compare to it’s in-state rivals. Every year, the slugs at the World Wide Bottom Feeder trot out the bones of N.C. State’s most-famous coach to give us all a reminder that ESPN isn’t beyond profiting from the misery of cancer.

Purdue:

What can you say about a team who is coached by the Fredo Corleone of college basketball and whose star player looks like a seven-and-half foot tall serial killer? You can say that they already exceeded everybody’s expectations by not being the first #1 to lose to a #16 twice. If this team actually makes the Final Four, I can only imagine the Purdue gear every truck-stop prostitute across the Hoosier State will be wearing to covering their far-too-fresh Caesarean scars…especially since West Lafayette and the cornucopia of truck-stop “Champagne” Champaign, Illinois are only separated by less than 100 miles, a time zone boundary, and an unmanned weigh station.

San Diego State:

In all honesty, my problem with San Diego State isn’t really their fault. I just wonder where all the “politically correct” pole-smokers are with this school’s mascot. The same self-important dick-drips who made Illinois get rid of Chief Illiniwek haven’t said a word about the “Village People” version of Monty Montezuma.

Tennessee:

I can remember as a kid in California that it was common-place to poke fun at the supposedly incestuous nature of southerners, which was really confusing once I discovered it’s perfectly legal to marry your first cousin in the Golden State. Then I discovered the difference. In Tennessee, the nuptials are not needed…they are considered a mere “formality” just like “consent” as is reflected in the lyrics of Tennessee’s fight song.

Raped my sister up on Rocky Top
Up in the Tennessee hills
She's gonna have a flippered baby
'Cuz she didn't take her pill 

Along those lines, Tennessee is one of two states (strangely, the other is Vermont) where incestuous rape is legal while squirrel hunting.