What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Teams That Grind My Gears: The Ohio State Buckeyes

grinds my gears ohio state

Man, where do I begin with this one? Is it their psychopathic asshole legendary coach who got fired for slugging an opposing player? Is it the fact that they have made a completely ridiculous tradition of some tuba player who is usually so fat it is a miracle they can still bend over?

Is it the over-the-top pretentiousness in their insistence on being called The Ohio State University? Are they afraid we might confuse it with Al’s Ohio State University and Tire Care Center or the Ohio State Penitentiary? Granted, it’s been a while since the Maurice Clarett fiasco, and it has been a quiet off-season by Buckeye standards, but the Ohio State Penitentiary University always seems to go in cycles with this sort of thing. Perhaps the next time there’s more Buckeyes on the police blotter than on scholarship, tOSPU could modify their helmet stickers to suit the occasion.

ohio state helmet sticker

Or is it the fact that tOSPU fans have to be reminded not to throw batteries at the Navy Midshipmen as they take the field? The Ohio State Penitentiary University  hosts Navy on Saturday, and tOSPU felt it necessary to launch a public service campaign, asking those in attendance to stand up and cheer for the opponent before the game. Only at Ohio Stadium, the anus of the Big Eleven Ten, is it necessary to remind people it’s bad karma to boo the people who are risking their lives so you can remain a slug watching football all day.

Actually, it just might be the usual pretentiousness that comes from dominating the Michigans and Minnesotas of the world. But Buckeye fans should stand up and take notice that there is a team not in the SEC, Big 12, and not USC that is going to be beating you on a consistent basis from now on (don’t worry, you will still be losing to them on a regular basis as well). But since I can’t discuss tOSPU for more than five minutes without blood shooting out of my eyes, I’ve asked a guest to explain this to Buckeye fans in song.

carly simon youre so lame

You walked in to State College like

You were walking into your home

But then JoePa showed you Buckeye fucks

That this is not the Metrodome

You had one eye on the Wolverines

And the other on the polls

That’s when you knew there’d be no New Years Day bowl

No New Year’s Day bowl…’cause…


You’re so lame

Don’t even know this song is about you

You’re so lame

Don’t even know this song is about you

Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you?

You thought you could keep your sweatervest clean

But you confused your shades of blue

The one that doesn’t come with that awful Maize

No longer rolls over like Purdue

Now the only red we all can see

Just keeps dripping from your nose

No more red of a bowl rose

Red of a bowl rose…’cause…

(repeat chorus)

Perhaps it isn’t jetting off to Nova Scotia for a total eclipse of the sun, but Ohio State sucks. That is what is important.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

2 comments on “Teams That Grind My Gears: The Ohio State Buckeyes

  1. Pingback: Teams That Grind My Gears: The Michigan Wolverines « Dubsism

  2. Pingback: The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List « Dubsism

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This entry was posted on September 3, 2009 by in College Football and tagged , , .

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