Teams That Grind My Gears: The Ohio State Buckeyes
Man, where do I begin with this one? Is it their psychopathic asshole legendary coach who got fired for slugging an opposing player? Is it the fact that they have made a completely ridiculous tradition of some tuba player who is usually so fat it is a miracle they can still bend over?
Is it the over-the-top pretentiousness in their insistence on being called The Ohio State University? Are they afraid we might confuse it with Al’s Ohio State University and Tire Care Center or the Ohio State Penitentiary? Granted, it’s been a while since the Maurice Clarett fiasco, and it has been a quiet off-season by Buckeye standards, but the Ohio State Penitentiary University always seems to go in cycles with this sort of thing. Perhaps the next time there’s more Buckeyes on the police blotter than on scholarship, tOSPU could modify their helmet stickers to suit the occasion.
Or is it the fact that tOSPU fans have to be reminded not to throw batteries at the Navy Midshipmen as they take the field? The Ohio State Penitentiary University hosts Navy on Saturday, and tOSPU felt it necessary to launch a public service campaign, asking those in attendance to stand up and cheer for the opponent before the game. Only at Ohio Stadium, the anus of the Big Eleven Ten, is it necessary to remind people it’s bad karma to boo the people who are risking their lives so you can remain a slug watching football all day.
Actually, it just might be the usual pretentiousness that comes from dominating the Michigans and Minnesotas of the world. But Buckeye fans should stand up and take notice that there is a team not in the SEC, Big 12, and not USC that is going to be beating you on a consistent basis from now on (don’t worry, you will still be losing to them on a regular basis as well). But since I can’t discuss tOSPU for more than five minutes without blood shooting out of my eyes, I’ve asked a guest to explain this to Buckeye fans in song.
You walked in to State College like
You were walking into your home
But then JoePa showed you Buckeye fucks
That this is not the Metrodome
You had one eye on the Wolverines
And the other on the polls
That’s when you knew there’d be no New Years Day bowl
No New Year’s Day bowl…’cause…
(chorus)
You’re so lame
Don’t even know this song is about you
You’re so lame
Don’t even know this song is about you
Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you?
You thought you could keep your sweatervest clean
But you confused your shades of blue
The one that doesn’t come with that awful Maize
No longer rolls over like Purdue
Now the only red we all can see
Just keeps dripping from your nose
No more red of a bowl rose
Red of a bowl rose…’cause…
(repeat chorus)
Perhaps it isn’t jetting off to Nova Scotia for a total eclipse of the sun, but Ohio State sucks. That is what is important.
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