What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
1) Hotty Toddy Gosh Almigh…FAAACK!!!
When Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels travel to Columbia for a showdown with the South Carolina ‘Cocks of the “Ol’ Ball Coach,” and you put it on national television, entertainment should abound. First of all, there’s at least three good Beavis and Butthead-types jokes in the prior sentence alone. Then there’s always the side-bets…How many visors will Steve Spurrier fire into the turf? Will Nutt finally have the brain-splattering stroke he always looks just on the verge of having? Anytime the Nutt gets exposure, you never know just what could happen.
As for the game itself, one could be in for a ridiculous multi-overtime affair with each team scoring north of 60 points. Or just as likely, one could be treated to a cro-magnon yet exquisitely brutal old-school SEC mud-and-blood defense-fest. The only way it could suck is getting neither.
Nutt’s Rebels must have decided that a #4 ranking was a bit much, as they really offered a gripping demonstration as to why they believe so. Granted, winning on the road in the SEC is never easy (unless you are in Knoxville), but when you have the offensive guruistry of the Nutt armed with a big-time quarterback in Jevon Snead and a Percy Harvin-type playmaker in Dexter McCluster, you must put more on the board than two field goals in the first thirty minutes.
Sometimes you win like a Nutt and sometimes you don’t, but to win you always gotta score touchdowns on the road.
2) Who Wants to be Jan Brady?
If you are my age, you remember the “See and Say.” It taught you what noises various animal made. What Oregon showed us on Saturday is that a Duck can make a Bear say “FAAACK!” Cal made this utterance collectively while having their traditional title-hopes-ending loss a week early, as they really looked like a team concentrating on losing to Southern Cal this week.
Of course, this just delays Southern Cals’ triumphant return; the clubbing they put on the closest rival for the title. Now, we all wait until the end of October for Oregon to take it’s turn as one of the Pac-10 troika that rotates playing Jan Brady to Southern Cal’s Marcia.
3) A World Simultaneous “FAAACK!” Record
All the way from Lexington you could hear it. A full-throated, this-is-the-end-of-days type roar erupting from the freaked-out face of every Florida Gator fan at the precise moment Tim Tebow hit the turf at Commonwealth Stadium. It looked bad in live action, but thanks to instant replay, you got the Zapruder-like imagery needed to determine exactly how close Tebow came to being killed. First, you were amazed that his head didn’t actually come off. Then you were convinced he was going to be paralyzed. As happy as you were to see him walk off the field, you still couldn’t believe it was happening.
4) The FAAACK-ing FAAACK-Eyes!
So, now it’s official. Iowa now gets “the red circle of seething hatred” on my Penn State football schedule; the very same usually permanently reserved for Ohio State and Michigan. The Hawkeyes will remain that third circle every fall until the Nittany Lions actually beat this team.
Not even a Tarantino-style “going medieval on their asses” will suffice. This calls for the ultimate; a Sam Peckinpah-esque slo-mo orgy of death.