What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
It is the beginning of October here in Minnesota, which can only mean the beginning of hockey season. Now, for some of you, that means the National Hockey League. But for a few of us lucky ones, it means the tooth-shattering bliss that is college hockey, specifically it’s best league, the Western Collegiate Hockey Association (WCHA).
The WCHA is to collegiate hockey what the SEC is to football. It has the tradition, the titles, and the best teams. But outside of it’s own territory, the WCHA is largely unknown despite the fact it may be one of the best sports leagues in the country.
Luckily, the carnage of the college gridiron makes for a superb likening. So, by comparing the hockey team about which you know nothing to a football program with which you are likely more familiar, you can share in joy that is the WCHA. And, for those of you who don’t have a grounding in either sport, I’ve also included a representative Simpsons’ character. If you aren’t familiar with The Simpsons, then I truly pity you.
Hockey School – University of North Dakota
Comparison Football School – University of Notre Dame
Representative Simpsons Character – Mr. Burns
Both schools have been around in their respective sports since the dawn of time, and due to their extreme amount of historic success, they are almost universally hated. But they don’t care, since they have more money than any four people you can name.
Hockey School – University of Minnesota
Comparison Football School – Florida State University
Representative Simpsons Character – Barney Gumble
The U of M is, like FSU, really the world’s largest junior college full of drunks who somehow end up as helicopter pilots or something else useful. While big money hasn’t permeated hockey like it has football, Minnesota still gets it share of scandal. As long as they win, these indiscretions tend to get overlooked.
Hockey Program – University of Wisconsin
Comparison Football School – Ohio State University
Representative Simpsons Character – Homer Simpson
More proof that bloated land-grant universities are where it’s at when it comes to fans blind on devotion, and/or some shitty, homemade grain alcohol. Seriously, once before a hockey game at the old Dane County Arena in Madison, I saw two Badger tailgaters drinking from their plastic bottle of choice, one a bleach jug, and the other a rubbing alcohol bottle. This ethanol-soaked dysfunction belies the fact that within their respective circles, they are almost universally loved, except by Mr. Burns and Frank Grimes.
Hockey Program – St. Cloud State University
Comparison Football School – Auburn University
Representative Simpsons Character – Lisa Simpson
They always seem to have talent, and never seem to win anything with it. If college hockey had an Outback Bowl, St. Cloud State would be in it every goddamn year.
Hockey Program – University of Minnesota-Duluth UMD
Comparison Football School – University of California-Los Angeles UCLA
Representative Simpsons Character – Lenny Leonard
Their resounding cries of not being referred to as a hyphenated institution ping the eardrum with the same tone as “OW, MY EYE! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET SUCCESS IN IT!” Both fall into that “C-minus” slot below actual respectability, yet just above “lovable loser.”
Hockey Program – Mankato State University Minnesota State University – Mankato
Comparison Football School – Memphis State University University of Memphis
Representative Simpsons Character – Carl Carlson
Another minor player with an identity crisis; role is really limited to that of Lenny’s best friend and Homer’s drinking buddy.
Hockey Program – Denver University
Comparison Football School – University of Arkansas
Representative Simpsons Character – Frank Grimes
Under-appreciated for how smart they actually are, since they had to work for everything they’ve got, and could be successful given the right circumstances. Yet, they are owned by Mr. Burns and usually find a way to finish behind the Homers of the world.
Hockey Program – Colorado College
Comparison Football School – Brigham Young University
Representative Simpsons Character – Ned Flanders
“Charlie Church” types, who while seemingly inoffensive enough, still find a way to be patently annoying. This, of course, leads their kids to grow up to be closet cases.
Hockey Program – Michigan Tech
Comparison Football School – Georgia Tech
Representative Simpsons Character – Comic Book Guy
They’re smarter than you, and they really believe their school is better than yours. They will make sure you know it too, as nothing has the impact of pudgy egotists resplendent in their shorts scrawling their electronic screed from the back room of the Comic Book store.
Hockey Program – University of Alaska-Anchorage
Comparison Football School – Boise State University
Representative Simpsons Character – Nelson Muntz
The quintessential schoolyard bully; the one who will never win a championship, but will occasionally kick your ass and laugh about it.
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