Teams That Grind My Gears: The Los Angeles Dodgers, part II
There’s nothing like the joys of being able to spend an entire afternoon watching all umpteen innings of a Dodgers-Rockies spring training affair. If for no other reason, I got to see this will be another year of great Dodger baseball.
One great Dodger tradition that continues is only ever have three guys who can hit. Better yet, for some reason, one of these guys must be a first baseman who is a “great Dodger hitter,” meaning he might hit .300, but he’s not going to hit 20 homers or drive in 100 runs. Enter James Loney.
So, watching the Dodgers means watching six guys trying to get a walk, get hit, get anything that gets you on base without actually having to swing the bat. Naturally, this is just stalling, hoping to bring one of the aforementioned three to the plate.
Now you may ask, why bother with a team that can only manage to beat the hapless NL West, then crumple the minute it faces a real playoff team? Because, they are the Dodgers, which means they should have scorn and derision heaped upon them at every opportunity. Specifically, they do exceptionally cheap-assholish Dodger-type things, like charging you $10 for a watered-down beer, $5.50 for a questionably sanitary Dodger Dog, and $3 when one of those two has it’s predicted effect.
Since the dawn of Dodger Stadium, Dodger fans have been known to have wait in long lines to make a Dodger Dookie. Of course, this is the result of a classic Dodger cost-cutting move, building a 56,000-seat stadium with enough bathroom for about half that many. Seriously, the traffic going into and out of the men’s room can rival the Santa Monica Freeway. While the Dodgers can’t do much about individual bladder control (otherwise they would have done something about Tommy Lasorda years ago), they did come up with a Dodger-type plan.
Since building a couple of bathrooms would have been far too sensible, the Dodgers invented the BAT…that stands for Bathroom Attendant Team. Let that soak in for a moment.
The BATs stand at each bathroom entrance and guide each bathroom user to the next available toilet or urinal. Yes, the pissers now have their own pisser traffic cop. But more importantly, just how does our BAT know where to guide me? How does he know where I need to go?
That’s simple. He doesn’t care. While he’s taking your three bucks, he grumbles something in a language you don’t speak and waves toward something, swooshing you off to this whole urinating/defecating thing all to yourself. All this supposedly representing the new “Let me hold it for it you” service promised by the Dodgers.
“I got this idea when I was at Disneyland.” Said Dodger Stadium Executive, Bob Steiner.
There is at this time no truth to the rumor that Dodgers are planning to have Condiment Attendants to help patrons get ketchup, mustard, and onions on their Dodger Dogs in a more efficient manner.
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