Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Roethlisberger: Now The Stories Really Start Coming Out of the Woodwork

At least in the NFL, there is a penalty for piling on. Now that Ben Roethlisberger has been legitimately disgraced, the stories of what a complete toolbag Big Ben has been are streaming on to the Net. Some of them are so priceless letting them go by unnoticed would be a violation of my Blogger’s oath. 

Deadspin quotes a senior at the University of Pittsburgh who passed along more tales about jammed-up quarterback. It turns out Roethlisberger’s douchebaggery is not reserved just for females; it seems  just about anybody around Big Ben can get a glimpse of what a truly large ass he is.  

Roethlisberger: Apparently a huge ass.

 I make no claim as to whether these reports are true; there is really no way of knowing. The important thing to remember is now it all will come out; expect many more stories to surface in the next few weeks, all while you should employ the usual skepticism for just such reports. 

Working the door at a local cabana bar, Ben, Hines Ward, and Jerome Bettis rolled up on a night there was a band playing and a $5 cover. Ben, being first in line, flipped out and refused to pay, walking right by me. He said covers were “bullshit” to people of his status. Ward was next and apologized for Ben being a dick, gave me $20 for the two of them and told me to keep the change. Bettis also apologized and gave me $200 and told me to let as many people in as that would cover. 

At a local golf club, Ben was chilling by the pool with Jamie-Lynn Sigler from The Sopranos. I was working and brought them over some towels and Ben cursed me out for bothering him. I already hated the guy and by no means wanted his autograph or even to talk to him. I for sure wasn’t expecting a tip, but the dick head couldn’t even muster a thank you. 

This is not even counting the countless number of friends of mine he’s accosted in Pittsburgh’s South Side, the trendy bar area. Everyone from here knows he is a big joke and this was a long time coming, except he kept winning super bowls and all was okay. No one here is shocked or surprised by the recent sequence of events at all. I love the Steelers like everyone else here, but the majority of the city has had enough of Ben and is ready to move on without him. Unfortunately his contract will make him un-tradeable, and we are all stuck with this giant tool playing QB. 

According to the aforementioned student, everyone in the greater Pittsburgh area has their own “Why Big Ben is a Big Dick” story, but my own personal favorite has to be yet another tome of about unwanted exposure to Ben Roethlisberger’s allegedly GRAY penis. Yes, you read that right…a GRAY penis. 

Back in 2004, my then girlfriend (now wife) lived with her best friend. Her best friend was a bartender at a high-end restaurant located in the Mt. Washington area of Pittsburgh and it was not uncommon to see multiple Steelers dining there each weekend. This best friend and her colleagues from the restaurant hung out with us a lot on the weekends. One night, my wife’s friend and her bartender colleague met up with us at a bar. We were all sitting around and my wife’s friend said to her colleague that she had to tell us what had happened earlier that week. Here’s her tale — we’ll call her Mandy: Mandy and her friends are at a bar in the Strip District area of Pittsburgh dancing and drinking. Ben (and little Ben) arrive at the bar and over the course of the evening, Ben takes an interest in Mandy and approaches her. I believe he recognized her from the restaurant, but at any rate, they have some drinks and dance. 

He invites her and her friend back to his place. They head back to Ben’s house along with a couple friends/bodyguards of his. Mandy’s friend takes up with a bodyguard/friend of Ben’s downstairs and Mandy heads upstairs with Ben. He shows her around the house a bit upstairs and then they head to his room. They made out a little but mostly were talking. At this point, she said she had pretty much decided nothing was going to happen because he was pretty drunk and really arrogant. At this point, Ben gets a call on his cell and heads to the bathroom. She looks around his room and sees in his closet he has dozens of football jerseys. She notices one in particular that’s autographed all over. 

In a moment of questionable decision-making, she nabs the jersey and throws it out the window of the bedroom intending to grab it on her way out. She is walking to the door of the bedroom to go find her friend when Ben emerges from the bathroom naked as the day he was born and at full attention. She said she was shocked, certainly by the full nude approach, but also because he had a gray penis (this is the part of the story we’ve laughed at most over the years – such a bizarre detail. We asked so many times what she meant by “gray” and she just said it was gray and almost looked ashy. Amazing). She sort of laughed a little and said she had to leave. 

He cursed her out at this point, calling her a tease (the worst crime in Ben’s world, apparently) and telling her to get the fuck out. She ran downstairs, collected her friend and away they went… but not before collecting the jersey. They had no ride so they hoofed it until they were able to get a cab to meet them somewhere further along. 

Next morning, she wakes up with a great story and this jersey. She also wakes up with several voice mails. Turns out Mandy’s friend had made a connection with Ben’s bodyguard/friend and given him her cell. Mandy’s friend had left several voice mails for Mandy because the bodyguard had contacted the friend saying in no uncertain terms that Ben needed that jersey back. There would be no problems so long as the jersey was returned. Turns out the jersey was a QB competition jersey signed by a bunch of Hall of Famers like Steve Young/Elway/Marino etc and was extra special to young Ben. 

Mandy was already regretting the theft and was worried about her job considering Ben knew where she worked. She gave the jersey to her friend who made arrangements to get it to the bodyguard. The jersey was returned and no more was every made of the incident. 

As to the veracity of the tale, there are some relevant points to be made. First, this girl was pretty attractive, so it was not beyond her to have ended up with Ben. Second, she was a pretty decent person and not someone prone to exaggeration. In fact, the biggest doubt any of us had about the story at first was that Mandy would’ve been involved because she was not the type to chase a football player, let alone go home with him. Any doubts I had were erased by the bizarre nature of the details she provided. And as I said, she told this story, often begrudgingly, many many times and the details never wavered. There was actually a period at the beginning where she wouldn’t tell the story and demanded secrecy from those of us that knew because she was so spooked about the jersey aspect even after returning it. She was sure Ben was gonna get her fired or something. 

Anyhow, that’s the tale. Do with it what you will and believe it or not, but it happened and the legend of the gray penis will live on. Here’s hoping he got some special lotion or something before he started attacking girls with it. 

You just can’t make stuff like this up. Granted, these tales swim in a lake of unverifiability, but we bloggers live for stories stuck in those gray areas.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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This entry was posted on April 24, 2010 by in NFL and tagged , .

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