What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Wrigley Field: A Perfect Site For a Disasters

Leave it to Chicago to find a way to fuck up anything it touches, like a sports day that should have been a tremendous one in the Windy City. After all, it isn’t every day you get to have a victory parade. But when the time came for Chicagoans to stop celebrating the Blackhawks’ capture of the Stanley Cup and head over to Wrigley Field for the annual battle between the Cubs and the White Sox, cheers turned to jeers when the title sponsor of the “Crosstown Cup” was announced.

Booing the BP Cup...That's a bit crude (insert rimshot here).

From Yahoo! Sports:

“CHICAGO (AP)—Fans at Wrigley Field let out loud boos when the BP Crosstown Cup was presented before the Cubs’ game against the White Sox. BP, which is under fire for its handling of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, is in its first year as title sponsor of the annual six-game series between the crosstown rivals. The Cubs and White Sox opened a weekend set at Wrigley Field on Friday, with another three-game set at U.S. Cellular Field scheduled for June 25-27. The cup goes to the series winner or the team that takes the final game if they split the six games. Both teams have said they would stick with BP, although some of the promotions were scaled back.”

That’s right…British Fucking Petroleum.  As could only happen in The City With Broad Shoulders, they somehow managed to figure out which company would be the most reviled in America to be said sponsor. Really, this shouldn’t surprise anybody. Wrigley Field has been disaster-friendly for decades, and for more reasons than just the sorry-ass Cubs.

Too bad Cubs fans don't suck oil, otherwise they might be useful.

We really needn’t delve into the litany of futility that is the history of the Chicago North-Siders; suffice it to say the Cubs have done everything in their power to ensure baseball success keeps something in common with a female bear with monstrously effective contraception. After all, the Cubs haven’t even seen a World Series since 1945, and haven’t won one since their line-up included such names as “Three-Finger Brown” and the waxed poetic trio of Tinker, Evers, and Chance.  There’s even a dose of that Alanis Morissette-style pseudo-irony in the fact that the last team to see the pinnacle of success while calling the “Friendly Confines” home was the NFL’s Chicago Bears in 1963.

The fact that Wrigley Field held shitty teams in two different sports for nearly a half-century is only line-item Number #1 on its disaster-friendly resume. Granted, the ballpark on West Addison Avenue hasn’t seen football, let alone shitty football,  since the Bears left for Soldier Field in 1970. Thankfully, the NFL isn’t the only source for football that so bad that it has the same effect on your colon as Cryptosporidium; there’s always the conference formerly known as the Big Eleven Ten. In other words, if you’ve been waiting for shitty football at Wrigley, wait no longer.

No, Purdue isn’t moving their home games there, although their proximity to Chicago and general record of futility makes them a perfect fit; Illinois and Northwestern have been angling for a game at Wrigley Field for a long time, and they finally got it.  The Illini and the Wildcats will bore the chunk of America that has the Big Ten Network with three and a half hours of that special kind of bad football that leaves one’s large intestine feeling like a twisted, overused piece of electrical cord.  These teams are so set into the “Wayback Machine” they have agreed to move their annual tilt from its scheduled turn at Northwestern’s Dyche Stadium in nearby Evanston just to find out what it feels like to suck in a place with a historic feel for suck.

At least a burning oil rig fits into Wrigley better than a football field does.

The fun part is that football fields are notorious for not fitting into old-school baseball parks. Football fields in baseball stadiums are always a tight fit and Wrigley is no exception.  When the Bears played there, the field ran from north to south, with one end zone in left field and the other running roughly along the first base line, so that one corner of the south end zone was cut off by the visitors’ padding-lined dugout.

Obviously, the goal is to capitalize on the need for nostalgia that has us doing crazy things like the  “Wrigley Winter Classic.” For an NHL game that nobody in America cares about, the Wrigley game drew a near-capacity crowd of a little over 40,000 — not as good as the 60,000 who showed up for the last Northwestern-Illinois game in Plantain-Banana, but significantly better than the 32,000 who came out the last time the Illini and Wildcats played in Evanston.

First it was terrible baseball. Then it was the Dead Fish and Lubed Seagulls Cup. Now, its back to football that is not fit for human consumption. Chicago, you need to stop this sort of thing before we move everything terrible into Wrigley. Don’t think it won’t happen either; they are already looking for a permanent home for the WNBA Finals and all the re-runs of “BJ and the Bear.”

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What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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