What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats. I understand he’s your legendary figure and all that crap, but there’s a reason why Tom Berenger made him sound like Forrest Gump in that shitty ESPN movie. Before some Alabamian opens his misshapen head to tell me that movie was set at Texas A&M, I would point out they couldn’t set the movie at Alabama because to fill any actor with enough whiskey to properly portray “the Bear” would have bankrupted ESPN.
As for your current asshole-in-charge, Nick Saban is little more than a spray-tanned Nazi whore. This is why you bunch of slack-jawed mouthbreathers ultimately end up in the Klan. Even though you won last year, this just means SabaNazi is just one goose-step closer to bolting for whatever job will pay him next.
Speaking of dead, Tim Tebow might as well be. He’s gone Gator Geeks, and he ain’t coming back. Besides, the best thing you can say about Gainesville is it happens to be the cultural capital of Lower Alabamida, meaning it’s port-a-cans have the best disinfectant cakes. Oh, and I am officially adding Urban Meyer to my “Finally has that brain-splattering stroke we’ve all been waiting for” list. Any bets on whose first, Pope Urban I or Houston “Sometimes you feel like a” Nutt?
3) Ohio State
I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 7 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.
Austin is just proof that even a state full of generally good people and places can fuck up. If Texas tried to build a version of San Francisco, Austin would be it. Austin gets all wrapped up in its indie movies, indie music, and generally a lot of other indie bullshit nobody cares about. Of course, they also downplay their indie homicidal maniacs who like to climb bell towers or shoot up shitty cafeterias.
5) Penn State
There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago. It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.
LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “shitty,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete closet case.
I feel the same way about Utah’s football team as I do toward just about any team from Utah…(yawn). Utah is the most boring state in America, and that’s saying something in a collection that includes South Dakota. Honestly, I would love to see a Utah team win a title, because I would love to see what the celebratory riot in Salt Lake City might look like.
8 ) Iowa
Many people don’t know that “Iowa” is actually an acronym which used to mean “Individuals Out Watering Animals.” Now, thanks to the Hawkeyes, it now means “Imbeciles Overstretching White Asses.” Not only do their players rape innocent people, the whole team collectively rapes spectators on a weekly basis. Seriously, watching an Iowa game is like being that kid who gets sent to “Camp Second Chance” only to find out “juvenile rehabilitation” only means being on the receiving end of a surprise, unlubricated buggering behind the boat house. Plus, Iowa was the setting of “Field of Dreams,” and as a baseball fan I felt like Kevin Costner used that movie to give my eye sockets a two-and-a-half hour-long skull rape.
What does it say about Oregon that quarterback-turned-thief Jeremiah Masoli left Oregon to hang out with a certifiable kook like Houston Nutt. It is likely not just because he is merely looking to see the field again, but he may be afraid of getting seizures from Oregon’s atrocious uniforms. Besides, I’m really tired of listening to you Oregon cry-babies…Let’s face it, you are perennially the Jan Brady to somebody else’s Pac-10 Marcia. Lately, that’s been USC, but who really doesn’t matter. Oregon is a mid-level “power conference” program, which means it has to win it’s conference or beat a big-name opponent in order go to a “big” bowl game. The Ducks generally do neither, so fuck them.
10) Boise State
Remember “The People vs. Larry Flynt?” Never mind Woody Harrelson is a dipshit who deserves to be fed to flesh-eating cockroaches; the point is that it is sad that in order to defend a point we hold dear as Americans, such as a constitutional right, often times we have to defend a complete feces-matted clump of ass hair. Much as porn merchant Flynt was that clump, so is Boise State in their Quixotic tilt against the evil BCS. Let’s be honest here, it was the kook Houston Nutt who put this team and it’s goofy blue turf on the college football map, and now after a decade-long campaign to be “America’s Sweethearts” they think they’ve achieved it. Well, I have news for you Boise State…nobody east of Pocatello or west of Nampa gives a rat’s ass about you or your stupid blue turf.
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the SEC teams who aren’t Florida and Alabama because they all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some dipshit Big Tweleveten team like Iowa in the “We Both Fucked Our Sisters, But Your Accents Are Weirder” Bowl. What makes Mississippi different is the kook Houston Nutt. I have to admit – I just can’t get over the Nutt. Whether his team goes 4-8 or has them nationally ranked; whether he is playing the role of Baptist minister or getting run out of town for banging the local news anchorette, the Right Reverend Houston Dale Nutt and the teams he leads are the embodiment of pure entertainment.
I love the Nutt, just because he’s like a jack-in-the-box two notes before it pops. And with Ole Miss looking suspiciously like a top ten team at this point (I really just wrote that…I know, I can’t believe it either), perhaps it happens during the LSU game which could make or break them. Maybe it happens early if the team disappoints. Either way, people of Oxford, be warned. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the man is 100% batshit crazy. Remember those great seasons back in Fayetteville under the Nutt? Those should tell you there are a panoply of mind-boggling possibilities. Let’s face it. If you love Nutt-ball, you love a team that can’t pull off a three-yard run, but will hit a 65-yard bomb. You love a team that will break your heart with the stupidest penalties (raise your hand if you remember the defensive back coming onto the field a few years ago with no fucking pants!), but they find ways to win. You love a team that can dismantle Florida at Vaught-Hemingway, but can’t seem to get over the hump that is LSU.
Given all that, the sky is the limit. Could it be Nutt running on the field naked? Could it be Nutt finally having the brain-splattering stroke he always looks like he is about to have? Or could it be the Rebels shocking us all by winning the SEC West? Your guess is as good as mine; that’s the beauty.
See #11 with the following changes:
I’m going to enjoy this so much…I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching these pompous shitbags hurtle over the NCAA cliff. This may be a “deja vu” moment of the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl. God, that was a sweet time that was. Plus, is there a better guy to be driving the Trojan bus off the cliff than that smug pseudo-fruit Lane Kiffin. The only thing better than watching that bus full of vapid, self-absorbed, gonorrhea-dripping buttloafs plunging into the ravine of mediocrity they so richly deserve is to hear Kiffin’s beard “wife” got caught pulling a train the the Trojan locker room.
There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think. Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a little.
Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. All this really is to see Christian Texas asshole school this year gets to lay claim to cookware. Big fucking deal. TCU should really play BYU every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.
16) Georgia Tech
I may have to rethink this whole Georgia/homosexual thing. Plug the words “Georgia homosexual” into your search engine and what is the first hit you get? Something that links you to Georgia Tech’s financial aid department? Following the link gets you some really confusing stuff.
The Georgia Institute of Technology, one of the largest producers of Hispanic engineers in the world, offers students the opportunity to apply for The Goizueta Foundation Scholarship. Georgia Tech has established a comprehensive package to support students through a permanent scholarship endowment using a $2 million dollar gift from The Goizueta Foundation.
I really need somebody who is more enlightened than I am to explain the connection, if any, between Hispanic engineers and homosexuality. While you’re at, O Enlightened One, explain to me the connection, if any, between Georgia Tech and a football team that can win anything meaningful.
What’s the difference between Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska? A year from now, Nebraska will be in a real football conference. Honestly, I would like the Big Tweleveten to defer Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically define what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate. Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”
It says a lot about Connecticut that it is now home to television bottom-feeders like Maury, Jerry Springer, and ESPN. You really wonder how the same UConn that has been a basketball powerhouse for decades will handle the spotlight in this new, brutish game with the oddly-shaped ball.
Ben Roethlisberger didn’t play for the Iowa Hawkeyes, did he? Oh wait, those charges were dropped, so I really can’t use the “rape” jokes. What do you mean that was the Steelers? You mean we aren’t talking about the Steelers? what do you mean “University of Pittsburgh?” That’s ridiculous, Pittsburgh isn’t even a state; shit, it’s hardly a city.
See #11 with the following changes:
21) West Virginia
I can’t decide which I love more, the mentality that celebrates victory with wanton couch burning, or a college tradition that gets so completely out of hand legislation is needed. Besides, I’m pretty sure some asshole in Morgantown stole my actual driver’s license from college to do this:
22) Brigham Young
When I was a kid, BYU was still hate-worthy, but at least they had Jim McMahon, so they were at least somewhat cool. But then they screwed him over, which was just step number one in their progression toward complete sanctimonious assholery. First of all, you just have to love their propaganda posters; in an odd way they remind one of what Soviet propaganda would look like if they still existed and hired a top buck PR firm. But, the trip to Asshole City was complete when they made the decision to become independent. This makes them a Rocky Mountain version of Notre Dame; which of course means they can get on their knees and suck it.
23) Michigan State
You almost want to feel sorry for Michigan State…almost. The only people who go to Michigan State are the ones who couldn’t get into Michigan. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection in East Lansing. Even people in Flint think East Lansing sucks. Michigan State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia. Of course, the hoards of douchebag frat boys that inhabit East Lansing have nothing but time to be so creative as the average MSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under Spartan Stadium.
If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the bullshit OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here). Of course, while they are regaling you with history, they forget about the 1980’s, when the Sooners imported every lowlife thug they could find.
25) Virginia Tech
It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so fucked up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it. But since they are on the East Coast this team for some damn reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.