The Ten Types of Bloggers Who Can Burn In Hell
Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
Well, we’re at it again. You need not bother pointing out the pseudo-irony of pointing out what is wrong with the world of blogs on a blog. Don’t get me wrong, in a vast majority of cases, blogs are a tremendous thing, but some of you are seriously fucking things up for the rest of us. Having said that, there are ten types of such blogs which need to go away…Now.
1) “The Crusader”
This is the pontificating asshole who a) thinks they can save the whole world by using a keyboard and b) ironically thinks removing words from the language somehow solves the problem those words represent. I have news for you, “Mr. I’m going to save the world from the comfort of my laptop:” If you want to help the environment, spending a Saturday picking up trash along the highway will do a fuck of a lot more than putting a “Save the Polar Bears” bumper sticker on your Prius.
And as far as being the “language police” is concerned, doing things like stigmatizing the word “retard” for the sake of the self-esteem of those afflicted is ridiculous; as if the fact they can’t count their balls and get the same number twice has no effect on them. Words are just words. If you’re hurt by words, you’re going to be fucked should anybody ever throw a knife at you. The way the world seems to be headed, there’s going to be quite a few knives flying around in the very near future.
So consider yourselves warned, all you crusading retards…To prepare you for the upcoming “knife-throwing” era, we may just hide a few “offensive” terms in the following text. Don’t read further if you pussies can’t handle it.
2) Hip Hop Music Review Sites That Type How Urban People Are Supposed to Talk
“Yo, dawg!! Like, we’s be bloggin’ up in this heezy!!!” Eat a giant bag of rotting shit or anything else that will shut you the fuck up.
If you’re so “hood,” from where did you get a computer and internet access? You can call it stimulus generalization, but it’s highly unlikely that any of the people who would be able to give you a respectable opinion on hip-hop would have a computer in their apartment. Even if they did have one, it’s also highly unlikely that it hasn’t been stolen. Computers don’t have feelings of their own, but if they did, the spell check would probably want to commit suicide halfway through one of these assholes’ first posts. It would probably be so tired of having so many words that end in “a” added to its dictionary that it would just keep generating the phrase “Please kill me.”
J-Dub’s Bonus Note: As a black guy, nothing infuriates me more than dipshits who think it is cool to pretend to be black. It’s bad enough that too many black guys think it is perfectly acceptable to walk around looking like an outlet mall vomited on Homey D. Clown, the last thing sI need some scrawny little Asian kid strolling up to me with his sideways hat, complete with tags hanging off of it, to blurt out “Whazzzup, G?” in that “no testicle,” high-pitched Chinese accent.
If you are a Chinese guy pretending to be black, you are a “Chigger.” If you are a white guy preteneding to be black, you are a “Wigger.” If you are a Mexican guy pretending to be black, you are the first, because I have yet to see one.
3) “The Cuddle Bunnies Fuzzy Duck Hour”
This is usually written by fat, suburban girls named Megan or Cindy who have led really sheltered, yet dysfunctional lives. It is all about happiness, sunshine, and other things which most people know are complete bullshit. We all know you write all this flowery crap because it is your coping mechanism from that time when you were fourteen and one of your uncles had some “boundary issues,” and your resultant love of Haagen-Dasz means no other white guy is willing to cross that border. Do us all a favor, take a night off from the keyboard, go down to a club in the city and get a hefty dose of black dick. It’ll do you a world of good. In fact, it’s the only reason they still produce Rohypnol.
I was going to address this in the poetry section below, but it fits here so I’d like to once again point out how fucking exhausted I am with hearing about people’s feelings. Here’s an analogy for you: “Life is like a shitty metaphor…it makes those of us who don’t have our heads crammed up our assholes want to kill the person who wrote it.”
4) “Look at how clever I am”
Yeah, so you think you are funny. I’ve got news for you, even though you have a degree in English Literature, any blog tagged with “humor” automatically sucks runny, grass-filled dogshit shit through a crazy straw. Even we’re willing to admit that we aren’t nearly as clever as we’d like to be. If we were, then we wouldn’t have to work for a living and we’d be able to write this shit in our underwear. Again, if we were that funny, do you think this would be on some 4th-rung blog that would have trouble getting readers if you printed it on Jessica Alba’s ass?
We could even screw that up, and not in the good way.
Instead, we write this shit while at our “real jobs,” as all that keyboard-pounding creates the illusion we a) are hard at work doing whatever it is we are supposed to do and b) give a frog’s watertight ass about whatever it is we are supposed to be doing.
So before you sit down in front of your keyboard to write another one of your bullshit “Dave Barry” ripoff pieces, stop to consider this: As I’ve stated before, the great thing about the internet is that it aloows anyone from anywhere to get famous. Conversely, the horrible part of the internet is that anyone from anywhere can get famous (such as that parasitic dick-smoker Perez Hilton). The bottom line: As much as we’d like to say we support anybody who wants to become a writer, the truth most people who fancy themselves as writers really are just producing so much printed syphillis.
5) Any Blog About Poetry
Poetry sucks. I used to be a musician (thank God those days are over) and people love to throw that shit back in my face and say “Well you used to write music and lyrics are poetry…” and then I explain to them what it feels like to be wrong.
J-Dub was a bass player and a drummer who grew up to be an engineer, and he would be the first one to agree with my point that music is mathematics, pure and simple. There’s thirteen notes, there was thirteen notes yesterday, and there will more than likely be thirteen notes tomorrow. It’s all a basic mathematical equation.
Whether or not all of those indie rock douchebags would like to admit it or not, the same applies to lyrics. If the lyrics don’t have some kind of mathematical structure, then the music probably falls under the category of “avant garde” or “experimental”, which are just euphemisms for “shit” unless you’re in Mogwai or Sonic Youth. If all of my years in statistics and probability courses have taught me anything, it’s that 99.999956% of musicians have never been in either of those two bands.
What were we even talking about again? Oh, poetry, that’s right. I had almost forgotten. That might be because poetry is FUCKING POINTLESS. It’s not exciting, it’s not edgy, it’s not anything. The same people who get stoked about poetry are the same people who die from icicles falling on their head, and both sets of those people deserve it.
I was actually thinking about starting a website where anybody could submit their poetry and I would post it, only on one condition: That they start every poem with the phrase “As I am surrounded by my shitty poetry…” This would serve a dual purpose as either they would have to come up with something really creative to follow that, or they would realize they are throwing their lives away writing inane garbage.
6) Any Blog About Photography
If your blog is full of your pictures, and a picture is worth a thousand words, then why the fuck are you writing anything? Oh, because you want us all to you are the next coming of Ansel Adams. If you pictures weren’t shitty, you wouldn’t need to do that. Put your crap on Flickr and leave us alone.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some amazing photographers out there. But photography is art, it’s open to interpretation. There’s no need to describe in detail what you’re trying to get me to feel. “I wanted the observer to see the delicate surface of the water to remind them of the fragility of life.” Hey dickbag, how about I look at the picture and decide what it means to ME? I mean, I’m the one looking at it right? Quit acting life such a self righteous dumpster muff and get back out there and take more pretty pictures for me to look at on the off chance that I might actually bookmark your website.
Meehan’s Bonus Note: There’s not even a need for Flickr. All of those other social networking sites allow you to post pictures, so delete the app from your phone, it’s only taking up space.) This is another one of those fields where there’s no need to advertise your blog, because if your work is good enough, you won’t need to promote it. Everyone will see that your pictures are great and you’ll make a lot of money. It’s called capitalism, get some.
7) “The Box Score Guy”
As a sports blogger, there is nothing I hate more than guys who write like they work for ESPN. Want to know where I can go read that kind of shit? ESPN! The world is dripping with “box score” websites…try offering an opinion or anything not being done by 90 billion other people.
I understand the sabermetrics stuff because it requires a lot of computing, but some of these assholes are just copying and pasting the basic stats so what’s the point? Just because you’re forming an opinion based on statistics doesn’t mean it’s right. Over the past twenty years there are hundreds of examples of situations in competitive sports where statistics end up not having any effect on the outcome. Even the Royals beat the Yankees every once in a while, and the law of probability says someday the Washington Generals will beat the Harlem Globetrotters.
8 ) “My Life is So Much More Interesting Than Yours”
Wow, so you were an Eagle Scout, you graduated from college at age 18, and last summer you climbed Mount Everest. And yet, after all that accomplishment, you spend your evenings the same way I do, writing shit on the internet no one will ever read.
If your life is so fucking awesome, why isn’t your blog dripping with pictures of you getting blown by strippers two at a time at a time on your private jet? Oh, that’s right, because that shit doesn’t happen to you. The last time anything hot got near your crotch was when one of your microwave pizza rolls blew its load on you.
You live vicariously through the internet, the exact opposite of doing so in the real world which is why you claim to be such a badass in the first place. However the good news is not all is lost, that Eagle Scout badge is going to help after all. When you finally realize your life sucks as much as the rest of ours, that knowledge of noose-tying will at last be useful.
9) Role-Playing/Fantasy Game Opinion Blogs
Speaking of vagina repellent, this whole World of Warcraft thing has actually gone so out of control there are now individuals who have started blogs based on the ethics of how these games are played.
You’ve GOT to be fucking kidding me.
Sadly, this is not a joke. Look, if you want to play those games, that’s your business. Not to mention, your zeal for your chosen hobby should be admired. At least you aren’t being half-assed about it.
There’s just one small problem. YOUR HOBBY IS THE FUCKING STUPIDEST THING EVER! It’s even dumber that shoving your dick into an electric pencil sharpener. The only thing dumber than sharpening your dick is writing about sharpening your dick, unless it is writing about World of Warcraft while sharpening your dick.
In fact, perhaps you should write about this shit WITH your sharpened dick; at least that way you would be getting some use out of it other than when it ends up playing a game of “grease and grunt” with your role-playing buddy’s asshole. Of course, since you are used to a fantasy world, you can pretend that your secret gay sex isn’t gay as long as a) you don’t tongue-kiss and b) you both understand you are ONLY doing this because nothing with a vagina will come within 500 yards of you.
But I digress…don’t just trust my word on this, take a look for yourself. Forget about how stupid fantasy gaming is. Forget about the exceptional silliness of the concept of “ethics and etiquette” in a completely made-up world. Forget about the ear-raping music you will hear if you follow that link. To speak in this loser’s language: “…As webmaster of this cyberspace domain”, I grant you full authorization to go to this guy’s website and ruin his fucking day.
While you’re at it…check out the graphics!!! Not only is the resolution of the screenshots amazing, you can feel a little bit of yourself dying inside knowing that slowly but surely, content-specific material is disappearing everyday like so many dying brain cells.
10) One-Sided Political Blogs
You know that old adage: The two things you don’t discuss at a bar are politics and religion. The same rule applies to the internet. The reason these blogs tend not to work is because whoever administers it decides arbitrarilywhich posts he’s going to leave up and which he’s going to take down, thus defeating the purpose of an open forum.
In other words, if some guy makes a great point that the administrator can’t argue with, he simply doesn’t approve the comment and we never see it. Fuck that; what’s the point of having a blog if you are simply going to act like North Korea by simply censoring that which you don’t like?
However, if you think about it, that’s not any less fair than our current political system and may in fact be indicative of where we are as a society. However, you have to wonder how much these people worry about getting called out in front of their weekly traffic, which usually isn’t more than twenty people. Let’s be honest, how can you value the opinion of somebody who is such a complete pussy they can’t “man up” if somebody makes a point contrary to what they would like to believe?
Honorable Mention: Either of Our Blogs
Really, this is "best case scenario" for us.
Let’s be honest, who the hell are either of us to be bitching about any of this? We suck just as much as you; the difference is we have the self-awareness to see that, and the balls to admit it. Meehan is just another educated white guy who is pissed off at the fact he bought the great lie that a college education guarantees you a bright future and copes with that by running up Olympic-level bar tabs, and J-Dub is just another broke-ass black guy who married a white girl with a “big backyard” who pays all his bills while he pretends he’s running his own business.
If you’ve read this far, obviously you have nothing better to do, but you are also not easily offended. Now stop reading shit like this, go find more people like you, organize, and fix the shit that has gone so totally over the edge in this country.
More importantly, Thanks again for visiting Dubsism and East End Philadelphia for more of the internet’s finest in advice on how to be undeniably fucking awesome.
-J-Dub and Meehan
About J-Dub
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I would read Bud Selig’s obituary on any of the above sites, printed on any part of Jessica Alba’s anatomy.
Is Michael Cuddyer the first $10M player ever to be tagged out trying to advance to third base on a grounder to the left side of the infield TWICE in a one-run loss ?
Good job on the skewering.
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Well, anytime you can get the Giants and Twins together, that is just baseball’s answer to those offensive scoregasms known as an ABA All-Star game. After all, Cuddyer does run the bases like Dan Issel (how’s that for an obscure, old-school reference?)
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Syndicated columnist Linda Chavez wrote a very interesting column in part about the mindlessness on social media, web, etc. The link is…
http://townhall.com/columnists/lindachavez/2011/06/17/exhibitionist_nation
While I personally disagree with about 99% of her columns, she has good points within this one which address the issues noted in your post. I agree with DM, good skewer!
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The problem is when you give open access, by definition you lower the common denominator.
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Dan Issel reference…sweet.
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Sweet!
Very happy to not find myself in any of these categories, nor find any hyperlinks back to my site.
(or did I not read closely enough?)
Always glad to make your cut, sir.
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Your site is still up? Wow, who knew…
Sorry, that was needlessly cruel…
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After further review, I find I do in fact fall into at least one of the above-mentioned categories. Therefore, I can only hope that Hell hasn’t exported all of IT’S manufacturing away…
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I knew it. You were an Eagle Scout, weren’t you?
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The only way this post could suck anymore is if someone figured out how to transmit the smell of sack sweat after 4 hours in a jockstrap through a monitor.
Or if Perez Hilton read it on air during an episode of the view.
But mostly the ball sack thing….
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But, you clicked the “like” button…I’m confused.
Oh, wait, there’s some of that sarcasm stuff involved here, isn’t there?
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Yes. Large amounts. Awesome stuff…
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