Tebonics – The Language of Tim Tebow
Say whatever you will about Tim Tebow, but for some reason he’s like Nickleback; people either love him or hate him. Frankly, I think part of the trouble Tebow has is that he speaks in a language all his own.
It’s easy to miss this language barrier; the tricky part is that Tebonics sounds just like English. But the similarities end with the sound; it just doesn’t have the same meanings. To illustrate this, we here at Dubsism invested in
two cases of bourbon an advanced linguistics class, then took some famous Tebow quotes and studied them. To that end, we have discovered there are actually two parts to each translation; there’s what you think it means, then there’s what it really means.
The Tebonic Quote: “Chris Leak’s a great quarterback. I’m not going to worry about (trying to get playing time). I’m just going to train as hard as I can, and that’s all I can do.”
- What You Thought It Meant: Tebow said this upon his entry to the University of Florida as possibly the most heavily-recruited player in the history of the SEC. It’s really easy to take this as the boiler-plate humility the new kid on campus is supposed to show.
- What Timmy Really Meant: “A few years from now, nobody outside of Gainesville is going to remember who Chris Leak is, and while those people may recall him, they will be doing so in the shadow of a statue of me. Don’t wait until the last minute to start worshiping me; that band-wagon is going to get full quick.”
The Tebonic Quote: “To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season. That was my goal, something Florida has never done here. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season. God bless.”
- What You Thought It Meant: Originally, this played as a tearful, emotional moment with Tebow apologizing to Gator Nation after yet another loss to Mississippi State.
- What Timmy Really Meant: “Have you ever spilled a soda on your kitchen floor, and no matter how thoroughly you mop it up, there always those sticky spots you find later; the ones that attract the roaches? That’s what cleaning up after Ron Zook is like.”
The Tebonic Quote: “You just try to be nice to everybody and treat them all the same. Treat them how you would want to be treated.”
- What You Thought It Meant: By now, you have figured out Timmy’s “go to” move is the humility; which really shouldn’t shock anybody who has studied the public presentation of being dedicated to a industrial strength Christianity-based belief system.
- What Timmy Really Meant: “One should always at least be respectful of people, but let’s be honest…I’m going to be arguably the most-mentioned name in football for at the very least a few years yet, so as long as I don’t let that go to my head, people will still cheer for me. I was the most-popular jersey sold in the NFL before I ever set foot on a professional field. Tom Brady can’t say that. Peyton Manning can’t say that. Donkeykong Suh can’t even say that. Know who can? The guy I see in the mirror every morning!”
The Tebonic Quote: “When guys say ‘I’m not a role model’. Well, yes you are. You’re just a bad one.”
- What You Thought It Meant: Tebow believes that athletes are role models whether they want to be or not.
- What Timmy Really Meant: There’s a rule about openly being a bible-thumper…for every three humble things you say, you have to say one which is pretentious and slightly accusatory.
The Tebonic Quote: “Coach Meyer was like a father figure to me…I went their because of relationships, especially Coach Meyer.”
- What You Thought It Meant: “Pope Urban I was a good guy, especially when he let me declare a Crusade on the rest of the SEC.”
- What Timmy Really Meant: “Like there was a chance I was going to Alabama…Dave Shula was such a dipshit.”
The Tebonic Quote: “I’m going to listen to John Elway. He knows what he’s talking about.”
- What You Thought It Meant: “I’m going to listen to John Elway. He knows what he’s talking about.”
- What Timmy Really Meant: “You thought I couldn’t win in the NFL. Appreciate that. Fuck John Elway.”
The Tebonic Quote: “As a competitor and an athlete, you have to believe in yourself. And you have to believe in the people who believe in you.”
- What You Thought It Meant: “Hate me all you want. I’m still getting paid, and I’m winning.”
- What Timmy Really Meant: “Colin Cowherd can lick the inside of my jock.”
The Tebonic Quote: “I am not better than anyone else just because I play football.”
- What You Thought It Meant: Another statement intended for playing the “humble” card.
- What Timmy Really Meant: “I may not be a better person, but I’ve got a pretty sweet life. Think about that when you are talking smack about me from your overnight security guard job.”
The Tebonic Quote: “She’s a lovely girl, and a valued friend.”
- What You Thought It Meant: Christian or not, look at that rack.
- What Timmy Really Meant: “If I gave her a ‘pearl necklace,’ am I still a virgin?”
Hopefully now, whenever you hear Tebow speak, you will be better prepared to crack the code that is Tebonics.