Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Signs We Are Near the End Of Civilization: They Are Teaching Your Kids To Masturbate with a Tetherball Pole

End of World Sign

I’ll admit, it is really only the mention of tetherball that provides even the loosest tie to the world of sports, but if there were ever a sign that we are hurtling toward the apocalypse, this HAS to be it.

Let’s be honest. The American approach to sex education has throughout history has been incredibly puritanical. Hell, I can remember when I was a kid how controversial the Judy Blume book Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret was because it (gasp) discussed menstruation.  But what authors Joani Blank and Marcia Quackenbush have done with their collaborative work A Kids First Book About Sex blows waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past that.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past.

For starters, they seem to believe there is great value in describing an orgasm to elementary school students. Get ready for some fucked-up metaphors, since your average third-grader can’t even spell “orgasm,” let alone have one…

“If you can’t see your clitoris, feel gently around until you find the most sensitive (or ticklish) spot. That’s it! Draw a picture of your clitoris and your other sex parts here.”

“That rush of excitement is called and orgasm or a climax or ‘coming.’ It’s pretty hard to describe but it’s sort of like: Climbing up the ladder of a long slide and whooshing down. Sneezing after your nose has been tickling. Peeing after you’ve had to wait a long time to pee.”

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I guess it’s all about frames of reference.  If you tried to tell an adult this is how an orgasm feels, they would probably feel sorry for you, because you’ve obviously never really had one. When is the last time you were left in a naked, sweaty, gasping pile from a sneeze?

If that weren’t bad enough, check out some of the quiz materials they use.

studies_in_crap_playbook_for_kids_about_sex_question.jpg

How many third-grade girls would be forced to check “I’m not sure” because they haven’t the first fucking clue what a “vulva” is. But it takes no time at all to go from slightly misguided to full-on creepy.

studies_in_crap_playbook_for_kids_about_sex_what_kind_of_people.jpg

Imagine you are a parent who gave this book to their kid. Just what the fuck do you do if he checks the “babies” and/or the “old people” box?  And if that thought makes you squirm, check out what’s next:

studies_in_crap_playbook_for_kids_about_sex_someone_you_might_like.jpg

I have two thoughts on this…

1. I’m sure these authors had only good intentions here, but this is really setting these kids up for a lifetime of of sexual disappointment. Think about all the people you’ve had sex with. How many of them would come close to what your “ideal” sketch would be? Quarterbacks get to bang supermodels, guys who work at the Ford factory don’t.  Not one male child is going to draw a 200-pound middle-aged woman with a housecoat and curlers in her hair, but guess who they are going to end up married to? Childhood really shouldn’t be about discovering how much life can suck.

2. If you thought the checkboxes allowed for some creepy, what the fuck are you going to do if your kid draws some sort of farm animal.?

Either way, since it will be a while before the average third-grader gets to partner number one, it would make sense to get into the topic of masturbation, right? Consider the word is in the title of this piece, you really can’t be surprised we ended up here.

“Do you ever do it any of these ways?” It is a straight-forward question, again asked with visual aids.

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studies_in_crap_playbook_for_kids_about_sex_masturbation_2.jpg

Don’t get me wrong, I get that parents should be honest with kids about healthy expressions of sexuality. But if your kid gets into the habit of humping playground equipment, they are going to get arrested.  And the sex education you get in jail is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than this kind.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

5 comments on “Signs We Are Near the End Of Civilization: They Are Teaching Your Kids To Masturbate with a Tetherball Pole

  1. Upon reading this post, my penis got firm and bigger.

    But tetherball has always kind of turned me on anyway.

    Let me ask you something. Do you think my choice not to procreate has anything to do with this kind of crap and the increasing difficulty parents must face in raising their children in this day and age?

    If you answered yes, you’d be correct.

    And for the record, I’m no longer aroused.

    Like

    • J-Dub
      March 14, 2013

      I’m answering yes, and not just because you are I are to the day exactly the same age. There’s no way I want to be a parent in a world where your kids can have you arrested for abuse because you didn’t take them to Chuck E, Cheese.

      Like

    • J-Dub
      March 14, 2013

      Oh, and was there any thing more fun than playing tetherball with the completely uncoordinated kid? It was the first time I realized how fun slamming your balls into somebody’s face could be.

      Like

  2. Family Haikus
    March 18, 2013

    As the mother of a 4th grader and kindergartener, I’m disturbed…and still laughing. This won’t make it into our personal library but i’m going to quit telling my daughter (the 4th grader) what a kick-ass tetherball player I was just in case she sees this elsewhere…

    Like

    • J-Dub
      March 19, 2013

      I shudder to think what other activities they may have considered…

      Like

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