Trash-Talking The 2013 Sweet Sixteen
Now that my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled tirade about shit I don’t like. This promises to be a particularly nasty edition since for the first time in the history of my filling out brackets, I’ve lost both teams I had playing on Monday Night in the first weekend tournament. So, since I can’t like this tournament anymore, here comes the bile…
In alpha-suck-abetical order:
Arizona:
Given the fact we don’t seem terribly interested in border security anymore, I’m not even sure Arizona is still in the U.S.
Besides that, it really is no secret that there isn’t a lot going on in Arizona. Even if there were, for most of the year, the simple act of venturing outside means you run the risk of being vaporized by the sun. Even if you make it to your car, you can’t touch the steering wheel of the seats with out that insulated clothing firemen wear.
So, what do most people in Arizona do? They drink beyond the point of brain damage, and they aren’t afraid to make sure you know it. Sure, there’s lots of college bars where you can see people who pound booze religiously at least nine days; those bars which are like a zoo with a happy hour, places where you can see the full range of loud, obnoxious drunks falling over themselves, pounding shots, vomiting in bushes, and doing body shots. You expect that at a college bar, but in Arizona, that’s the scene at an Applebee’s.
Duke:
Despite it’s elitist airs, Duke is still in North Carolina, which is a state where every three seconds someone is being raped. Doubt that? Just drive through the state, and when you see all the woods on the side of the road, you just know that twenty feet off the road, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.
Add Mike Krzyzewski to that mix and you get Duke, the perfect target for eyeball-splitting hatred. Here’s two good reasons.
- Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.
- Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.
Florida:
If it weren’t for Florida State, Florida would be the Sunshine State’s’ supposedly “academic” collection of Kool-Aid and cheap vodka drinkers, jean-short wearers, and hillbilly rapists. If you’ve ever been to UF, then you know exactly what the statement “It took Tallahassee to make Gainesville look good” means.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. All you need to know about Florida is summed up in the above photo. That’s the university president.
Florida Gulf Coast:
It is a pretty safe bet that any school that boasts it’s own on-campus beach doesn’t have a medical school. It’s also a safe bet it doesn’t have a law school, either. Shit, it probably doesn’t even have a foosball table.
Indiana:
The school that brought you both the burly, masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand. Once a proud program, the Hoosiers are emerging from a decade-long period of irrelevance.
I know this may be hard for anybody under 50 to realize, but there was a time within the last 30 years where a college basketball team in Indiana could actually win something. Obviously, that was never Purdue or Notre Dame, and it got so bad in the land of basketball people were actually rooting for Butler…fucking Butler. Calling Butler “real college basketball” is like calling a hot dog “real meat.” Now that Indiana has made back-to-back Sweet Sixteen appearances since Bobby Knight was fling furniture at officials, every in-bred slack-jaw south of Fort Wayne is resplendent in his IU 1981 NCAA Champs t-shirt that he wore while doing a lube job on his 1985 Ford pick-up truck…because nothing hides your sister-mom’s DNA like a few quarts of Quaker State.
Kansas:
The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history. Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover. To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.
Speaking of shooting people, I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even with its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.
Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.
LaSalle:
What else can you say about a school that has spent a half-century playing “little brother” to the likes of Temple and Penn? There’s great irony in the fact that catholic LaSalle University’s mascot is the “Explorers,” considering it was Pope Alexander VI essentially forcing Spain and Portugal into the 1494 Treaty of Tordesillas that guaranteed these two countries would spend the better part of a century fighting over parts of the New World that would end up being worthless.
Louisville:
Dear Residents of Louisville,
Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city. First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.
Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help. I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”
Marquette:
Since Marquette is a catholic school in Wisconsin, insert your own “alcoholic pedophile” joke here. That also means they really aren’t worth thinking about, so here’s exactly what I said about them last year. I think you will find it is all pretty much still true.
This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless. Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.
This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the hell they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”
If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion. In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.
Miami (FL):
Miami is what Florida Gulf Coast will become if ti’s athletic success continues, complete with boosters who pump the school full of dirty money and guys who take dumps in laundry baskets
Michigan:
Michigan basketball can be best described by three guys we all remember…a guy who calls imaginary time-outs, a race-bating drunk driver, and a convicted felon.
Michigan State:
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the B1G Ten teams in this tournament; Michigan, Ohio State, Indiana, and Sparty. They all really do the same thing. They get into the tournament, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Florida. But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the B1G. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.
Ohio State:
If I were a doctor and were going to give the state of Ohio an enema, Columbus is where I would stick the nozzle. What amazes me is that this miasma of suck even has a major university, considering it looks like somebody built a city nobody wants to live in on desolate farmland nobody wanted. Columbus is a subtle blend of all that is wrong with city-living and all the suck that bucolic splendor brings. Want to know what walking down a street in downtown Columbus is like? Dress all the zombies from “The Walking Dead” in Ohio State shirts and hats, all in various states of filth and mis-sized. If you get past this parade of freaks who will attempt to panhandle you to death, you get the upscale Columbians who are all rude and pretentious just because they have reservations at the “Steak and Shake” that has tablecloths.
Oregon:
Really…who can possibly take Donald Duck seriously?
Syracuse:
Syracuse fans are always bitching because they feel they never get any respect. Half the time, they don’t deserve it, like when they kept trying to tell me Gerry McNamara was the best scorer ever in college basketball. The other half of the time they spend missing the point; like during all that McNamara twaddle they forgot they had Carmelo Anthony.
Wichita State:
Wichita State’s mascot is known as the “Shockers.” This term actually refers to the stacking of wheat during the harvesting process before modern motorized farm machinery. But that was then. I think we all know what “shocker” means now.
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That was the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time. I especially liked Florida Gulf Coast, Kansas, Wichita State and Looavull. That’s my Final Four. And the 2013 champion has to be The Shockers.
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Brilliant as always, sir. And oh, I drink expensive vodka. Sometimes.
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I bet you have a kick-ass jean-short collection. Are you the baggy, past-the-knee sort of guy, or are you a “Village People Construction Worker” type?
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