What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
The day after Selection Sunday is historically the best for my brackets; it’s the one day there’s still hope. Sometime between now and the end of the weekend, the hopes for my brackets have generally disappeared faster than a Malaysian airliner. That’s precisely why this post comes with a disclaimer. It’s really not a question of whether you should stand back; it’s a matter of how far way you need to be avoid sucking in fatal amounts of smoldering wreckage when my bracket eventually collapses on itself. That’s why I have provided you with the following Civil Defense chart, as the force of my collapsing bracket has been estimated by some serious science-type guys to be roughly that of a 1960’s era nuclear weapon. So, now that you’ve seen that, this is the part where I tell you (on the advice of my serious legal-type guy) that you read further solely at your own risk. So, while you putting on your helmet and goggles, putting batteries in your Geiger counter, and hoarding canned goods and beef jerky, I’ll break down a very breakable bracket. East Region: Yes, Virginia…there is a No. 1 seed. I would be willing to bet that there’s at least 500 headline writers out there that made that same joke. Naturally, the only people who get that joke are nerds that write headlines and their grandparents who remember what movie gave us that line. As far as the selection committee is concerned, it was clear as Waterford crystal that they valued the regular season and the conference tournaments. Consider the following:
In other words, you can forget about the seeding when looking for the best team in this bracket. Nobody’s hotter than Michigan State right now, and their man-handling of Michigan yesterday should bear that out. The only thing that really fucks up my burgeoning man-crush on the Spartans is the fact that every blow-dried dick-tard at the World Wide Bottom Feeder loves them as well. Between that and my usual kiss of death, you can count on an outbreak of a flesh-eating version of the Ebola virus to rampage through the Spartan locker room. Midwest Region: The casual sports fan (defined by those get the entirety of their sports news from the aforementioned Four-Letter Word) probably has a hard time believing that Louisville is #4 seed and Wichita State as a #1. It’s really not that far of a stretch, considering they both had non-conference schedules thinner than ball-park beer; the difference being that Wichita State won all their games. To be honest, I don’t think seeding matters that much in this region, considering Wichita State, Michigan, Duke, and Louisville could all win. the trick is that while all four of those teams are arguably four of the best in the entire tournament, the all face relatively easy paths to the Sweet Sixteen. Outside of the top four, Kentucky may be the best team left in this region, and they are an #8 seed because this team fumble-fucked it’s way through the regular season playing some seriously knuckle-headed basketball. West Region: I’ll skip any cute/clever pretense here; rather I’ll just get right down to why I see Wisconsin winning this region. Reason #1 starts with seed #1, more specifically who I think #1 Arizona is going to lose to in a Round of 32 match. #9 Oklahoma State is the one team no #1 wants to face in the back-half of the first weekend, because the Cowboys have a major similarity with Michigan State. The Cowboys struggled throughout much of the season, but now with star player Marcus Smart now firing on all cylinders, they can beat anyone. But it is that same inconsistency is why I just can’t see the ‘Boys from Stillwater getting past Wisconsin. Wisconsin has one weapon, who if he plays to his potential will cause more headaches for opponents than cheap gin and Nickelback songs combined. A relative unknown outside of the B1G Ten, Badger center Frank Kaminsky is a seven-footer who can beat you in the low-post, or can three-pointers at a 40% clip. Like a lot of “bigs,” he tends to get into foul trouble, and wears down when played too many minutes, but with proper game management and creating the right match-ups, Kaminsky can dominate anybody in the college game. South Region: Florida is the top seed in this tournament, and yet I’m surprised my bracket is one of the few that has the Gators chomping their way through this region. Maybe this is God’s way of telling my blogging counterpart SportsChump that jean shorts are always a fashion no-no. Honestly, I don’t get why nobody has any love for Florida in this region. As a rule, I can’t support anything done by the Kansas Jayhawks, because as I mentioned on several occasions, no team has fucked my brackets more than those assholes. Not to mention I think that Kanasa without Joel Embiid is like a pizza with no cheese. At the #3 seed is Syracuse, which is coming into the tournament so cold they are being recruited to be the national team for Ice Planet Hoth. What it comes down to is a lot of love for Steve Alford and UCLA. In the first year of Alford regime, the Bruins stormed through the Pac-12 tournament and took down favorite Arizona in the title game. The construct of the Bruins is built on an eight-deep rotation built around oversized point guard Kyle Anderson, a big-time shooter in Jordan Adams (whom Alford calls “Money”), and a “loose on offense, tough on defense” philosophy. Once you get past the Bruins, there isn’t anybody who is a real threat in this region. A possible Sweet Sixteen match between Florida and UCLA will likely play a huge role in determining the winner in this region. The Final Four: What it all boils down to is what I’ve seen from teams in the conference tournaments and the week or so leading up to them. I get that Michigan State has emerged as the hip and sexy Final Four pick. I’ve never seen a #4 seed actually be Vegas’ second-best set of odds behind Florida. That’s all a function of the belief that when healthy (and they now are, as the B1G ten tournament proved), the Spartans are amongst, if not the best, team in the country. And fuck those jerk-offs at ESPN. The Challenge: So, if you think you can do better, here’s your shot to put your bracket where your mouth is. Just go to PoolTracker.com and use the Pool ID number 85997 to enter.