What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

The Deep Six: NFL Broadcasting Figures We Can’t Make Up Our Minds About

nfl network microphone

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

The Deep Six is another series from Sports Blog Movement that has found a new home on Dubsism. In its history, it has sometimes been written by J-Dub, sometimes by Ryan Meehan, and sometimes a collaboration. Sometimes it has appeared on  Sports Blog Movement, and sometimes on Dubsism, but it has always been about delving deeply into the topics that live in the intersection of pop culture and sports.

In today’s installment, J-Dub and Meehan continue the long march toward the beginning of the real NFL season by taking a look at the people with whom we share that season. No, they are not here to discuss your drinking buddies; they are probably drunken reprobates like they are. Rather, this is about the television personalities we must all suffer during that enjoyment of football.

Here’s the premise. We all know the broadcaster ranks are full of people who don’t suck, like Gus Johnson. We all know those ranks are full of those who do suck; they are far too numerous to mention.  But in between there is wide band of broadcasters no one just can’t definitively assign to either category.  That why J-Dub and Meehan are going to look at people in four different broadcasting categories: Analyst, Color Commentator, Play-by-Play, and Sideline Reporter.

To help decide into which category these folks should be flung, J-Dub and Meehan are going to explore the pros and cons of each.  Being that the theme of this series is the Deep Six, normally they would cover six members of each category.  But since this is about football, they’ve decided to include the extra-point.

Without further adieu, here they are (in alphabetical order).

I.  Analysts

1) Chris Berman (ESPN)

chris berman mike in mouth

Pro:  Chris Berman is an original. He was the guy who turned on the lights at ESPN, and they’ve both been torturing the airwaves ever since. Besides, he’s an old-school broadcaster who can drain an entire bottle of Johnny Walker Red and still nail the show.

Con:  After nearly 35 years, Berman has become a parody of himself.  That whole nickname bit which made him famous has now taken a bigger beating than Tina Turner and Ray Rice’s wife combined. What was once mildly entertaining has become completely forced; they simply aren’t funny or creative anymore, and his delivery makes most of them seem like a bigger stretch than Bartolo Colon’s waistband.  On top that, we wish the guy would get throat cancer, just so he would get one of those artificial voice-boxes, not so he would have that awesome robot sound, but so he would have a fucking volume knob. Guess what, Bermie?! Loud doesn’t always mean good.  Berman is so loud and obnoxious that he dwarfs anyone audially, and thanks to his gargantuan weight gain, physically as well.

All of that shit pales in comparison to listening this suck-bag do baseball. If you want to get secrets out of those scum-bags in Guanatanamo, strap them in a chair and force them to endure Bermie calling the Home Run Derby.  Fuck waterboarding, after three hours of “Backbackbackbackbackback….GONE!!! That one was hit all the way to (insert name of suburb near the ballpark for that extra-smarmy “local flair)!” these guys would sell out their own grandmother as the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

2) Terry Bradshaw (Fox)

Pro:  Thankfully, his attempt at a movie career never made it out of the “Smokey and the Bandit” series. Not to mention, J-Dub has an awesome Terry Bradshaw story, but has to tell it in the Troy Aikman section of this piece.

Con: The Onion used to do jokes where there would just be a headline, and no article to accompany it.   One of our all-time favorites was “Terry Bradshaw Bookmarks Statler Brothers’ Website.” Of course there are so many jokes here, the most obvious being that watching Terry Bradshaw fumbling with a computer must be like watching an octopus trying to rebuild a diesel engine. Being a peckerwood from the depths of Louisiana,  Terry uses a lot of  backwoods references that nobody understands, especially Howie Long, who sits right next to Bradshaw and often has a look on his face suggesting as if he is dying to ask Terry what the fuck he is talking about.

Doubt that?  Tune into the Fox pre-game show at you next opportunity and see it for yourself.  Every time Bradshaw offers one of his corn-pone gems like “I tell ya that Eli Manning was threadin’ the needle like splittin’ a cranberry on the vine on a hot summer day,” you can see Long getting another note closer to when the jack-in-the-box in his head finally pops, he tosses his notepad in the air, and starts main-lining Jimmy Johnson’s hair gel.

3) Mike Ditka (ESPN)

Pro: The dude was a legendary (albeit mediocre) coach, and a a player was a first-class bad-ass and to this day doesn’t take any shit from anybody. Even in his 70’s and after heart-attacks, strokes and somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 total knee replacements, he still looks like he would seriously fuck your shit up and make your wife hold his coat while he did it.

Con: Hearing words come out of his mouth is like watching a subway train coming into the station slam into one still unloading passengers; the guy simply can’t get sentence #1 out of  his mouth before the second one runs right up it’s ass. Ironically, the best example came in song when Ditka  completely destroyed “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”

4) Tony Dungy (NBC)

Pro:  His resemblance to “Bat-Boy” keeps trashy super-market tabloids in business.  He’s the not first guy on this list to have won a Super Bowl as a coach, and he won’t be the last. However,  The mere mention of Tony Dungy’s name is enough to send J-Dub into an apoplectic fit. In last week’s episode of the Blast-Cast, J-Dub had an epic rant on Dungy, and he’s written about him more than oncelots of times, actually.

Con: Just like J-Dub pointed out in those preceding links, Dungy’s biggest problem is his leading the charge when it comes to the media’s nonstop Peyton Manning Slurp-a-thon. Tony Dungy does more gushing over Peyton Manning than a Texas oil well.  Not to mention, his whole apology over the non-comments he made about future UPS truck loader Michael Sam did something we didn’t think was even possible.  Dungy made himself look even more like an impotent marshmallow.

5) Tom Jackson (ESPN)

Pro:  Jackson was pretty damn good player in his day, which is why he knows a lot about defense and does a pretty respectable job explaining complex, inside knowledge in layman’s terms.

Tom Jackson walking to his parking spot at ESPN.

Tom Jackson walking to his parking spot at ESPN.

Con: There are a lot of people that will tell you reverse racism can’t exist; that black people can’t be called racist. If that’s true, then we need a new word that means “race-baiting piece of shit” to describe Tommy Boy.  To hear it in action, all you have to do is go back and listen to his comments on the Richie Incognito situation. Jackson has no problem tossing around labels like “racist,” but has no problem making sweeping generalizations about an entire group of people when he has almost no facts to go on. It’s almost like he graduated from the dark side of Tony Dungy’s self-moralizing asshole school.

6) Ron Jaworski (ESPN)

Pro:  Ron Jaworski embodies why life-long Philadelphia Eagle’s fan J-Dub hates ESPN as much as he does. That network turned one of his favorite players ever and turned him into a babbling fountain of nothingness. It is that hatred of ESPN that fuels his rants here. You decide if that’s a “pro” or not.

Con:  It’s almost biblical how Jaworski can talk continually and never say anything of even the remotest value.  But that’s only scratching the surface as to what the problem really is here.  Howard Cosell used to call it the “jockocracy,” a world in which ESPN can have a mentality that you don’t know a fucking thing about sports because you were never part of the game. That’s why the World Wide Bottom Feeder is awash is washed-up jocks, because we undermenchen sports fans need to be lectured to by the likes of Jaworski.

This is how we get his insipid quarterback rankings, which are not only never right, they hide an ulterior motive. What gets missed here is that while he’s telling us shit like Joe Flacco is going to be the next Roger Staubach, what’s really happening is ESPN is getting the sports fan they don’t respect to parrot whatever ESPN says.  Next thing you know, Joe Flacco is Roger Staubach, and guys like Jaworski bleat the “I told you so” line based on nothing more than the fact they simply repeated the lie until people believed it.  Fan this out to Jaws’ ten top quarterbacks who are all “incredible” or “amazing,”  and you get the idea.

If you think this sounds a bit like politics, you’re right. That is what is the most annoying; it is not enough that he gets paid to tell me what he thinks, it’s as if he needs me to believe it has no validity. This is why he always sounds as if he is campaigning.

7) Shannon Sharpe (CBS)

Pro:  We all loved him as “Mushmouth” on the “Fat Albert” show.

Con: One would think that a guy getting paid to be part of a multi-million dollar broadcast would have access to a speech therapist.  Somewhere deep in  the bowels of CBS Sports there has to be somebody who realizes what they are putting on television.  The guy simply can’t fucking talk. You listen to him, and all you can think is “those can’t actually be words.” When you have to have an entirely separate suicide hotline for the people who type the closed captioning stuff, maybe it’s time to start working the phones looking for the next unitelligible jock to put behind the desk.  Otherwise, we could be listening Sharpe-isms like “Sumtime whenaputamodafeeld coach…yo coach hagottajus gibbum a soddawocopee” for years to come.

II. Color Commentators

1) Troy Aikman (Fox)

Pro: If you want to watch J-Dub’s brain lock up tighter than Joan Rivers’ 34th facelift, just tell him there is a football guy out there who makes Terry Bradshaw look like Werner Von Braun, the grand-daddy of rocket scientists. In other words, we beat the Soviets to the moon in 1969 because in 1945 we captured smarter Germans like Von Braun. In a weird way, this is how Bradshaw is smarter than Aikman.

First of all, you have to understand that Terry Bradshaw was then, and is now little more than cleated and face-masked version Jethro from the “Beverly Hillbillies.”  You also have to understand that during his career, Aikman suffered more concussions than Monica Lewinsky banging her head on the bottom of Bill Clinton’s desk in 1945.

That’s why Aikman is really a walking exhibit for the people suing the NFL over the lasting effects of head injuries. Aikman was made the way he is by getting his skull rammed into those fake green, artificial turf death-grids of the 80’s and 90’s.  That means concussions can turn a normal guy into a bigger slobber-bag than a 17-toed hillbilly who J-Dub witnessed being so drunk at 10:00 a.m. in a restaurant in a Beverly Hills hotel that he was eating his Eggs Benedict off his shirt.  And J-Dub doesn’t mean Bradshaw is just trying to slurp up some errant Hollandaise sauce, he’s talking about a grown man leaning back in his chair doing a  full-on knife-and-fork job on his chest.  Trust us, we realize how sad that makes Aikman’s situation, but we also know we are never running out of Aikman jokes as long as he keeps getting concussions from farting too hard.  There is no bigger upside than that for a couple of bloggers.

Homer Simpso-Aikma-Shaw?

Homer Simpso-Aikma-Shaw?

Con:  You could perform a CT scan of Aikman’s skull and a fish bowl and get the same results.  But rather than worry why Aikman’s head is full of guppies, wonder why the fine folks at Fox have decided the team of Joe Buck and Aikman are a bigger broadcasting juggernaut than the Josef Goebbels Saturday Night Propaganda-Palooza. This means it is only matter of time before the viewers of Fox’s game of the week are treated to Aikman losing control of his bodily functions on live television.  Then Buck will have to save the day, hopefully in a manner more successful than his attempt to save his own show.

Then the show, Joe, and the fish in Troy’s brain all take the porcelain plunge to the Promised Land.

2) Cris Collinsworth (NBC)

Pro: Pros on Collinsworth…Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

Con: Where do we start with the smarmy fuckwad? To us, the biggest problem with Collinsworth is he seemingly wants to be everything you can be as a broadcaster, and has not the least bit of talent to support it. He wants to be the “in-depth” intellectual reporter that does the probing, substantive pieces that made Bob Costas a gazillionaire, but he also wants to be this over-rationalizing, “Aw shucks” color guy who oversimplifies everything like Don Meredith in the early days of Monday Night Football.  That paradox makes him the truck-stop hooker who won’t swallow, which is really ironic considering he must be guzzling it off Al Michaels and NBC Sports uber-boss Dick Ebersol to keep his job.

3) Dan Fouts (CBS)

Pro: Dan Fouts is a future #1 pick for the Just For Men people. When Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier finally die of a cocaine/Viagra “boner speedball,” Disco Danny’s chin-pelt is going to start scooping up that easy money just like when he was padding his stats with two freebies a year against the sorry-ass 1970’s & 80’s Seahawks and Chiefs.

Con:  Try this on for size…Imagine a world where during the year Fouts and Dennis Miller did Monday Night Football together, somebody chucked them both into those teleportation pods from “The Fly,” and at the exact moment they flipped the switch, somebody hacked ABC’s Wi-Fi connection to download some illicit Chinese midget porn, and one bit bit of metaphysical morpho-fucking later, Danny and Denny are one horrible mutated monster.  They toss them back into the pods in attempt to reverse the melding, but what they get is a Fouts whose personality goes into hibernation for the exact same six minutes every day when Miller appears on “The O’Reilly Factor.”

Got a better explanation? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

4) Rich Gannon (CBS)

Pro: Rich Gannon was actually a far better quarterback than people remember, which has to count for something.

Con: If it weren’t for Rich Gannon having his career year in Oakland, Jon Gruden would have never come to prominence as a head coach. Had that never happened, the Buccaneers would have never traded with the Raider to get Gruden, and therefore Gruden would have never won the Super Bowl, which is why we all now are stuck listening to that blow-hack. Had Gannon pulled off a Carson Palmer-type season in Oakland, maybe we would all be listening to an intelligent ex-coach like…uh…uh…(sound of pages flipping)…let us get back to you on that.

5) Jon Gruden (ESPN)

Pro: He’s a Super Bowl Winning coach, and like him or not, he has a tremendous amount of knowledge on the game.

Con: Weeb Ewbank was also a Super Bowl winning coach, and you never heard of him. For those of you not familiar, Ewbank coached the New York Jets in Super Bowl III. He looked more like a lawn gnome than a football coach in much the same way that Jon Gruden sounds more like a brain tumor victim than a football coach. Gruden may have forgotten more about football than many of us will ever know, but knowledge without the ability to communicate is like having a girlfriend without a vagina. The only other person we ever knew who said shit like “spider y-right banana” was J-Dubs’ grandmother after half her brain leaked out her left ear.

You never heard of this guy, but he has more Super Bowl wins than "great" coaches like Bill Cowher, Jeff Fisher, and Lovie Smith combined.

You never heard of this guy, but he has more Super Bowl wins than “great” coaches like Bill Cowher, Jeff Fisher, and Lovie Smith combined.

Not to mention, you know Jon Gruden is the one guy other sports broadcasters hate because he reinforces every stereotype about “dumb jocks.” In other words, Gruden was the guy in the high-school locker room who rode your ass incessantly; the guy you will never forget because he towel-snapped you in the balls just because he couldn’t nail you at dodge-ball.

6) Mike Mayock (NFL Network)

Pro: Mayock is an incredibly knowledgeable guy, but he’s got the proverbial face for radio.  Thankfully, he’s on the NFL Network, which thanks to its viewership numbers lower than Elton John’s testosterone count means not even his mother has to pretend to love his face.

Con: Sometimes the problem with being an “every-man” is that you encourage every dickweed out there with delusional aspirations. Don’t know what we’re talking about?  Watch this. If the first 30 seconds of that video doesn’t make you want to punch this guy in the throat, then you either spend all day getting Thai-hooker quality blowjobs from super-models, or doing the backstroke in a swimming pool full of Franklins.  This guy is bitching about a having a great job you couldn’t get in your wildest fucking dreams. The best job you ever got was a handie from Bea Arthur, and this cock-nozzle who gets free NFL tickets wants your sympathy.  I’m so incredibly not sorry   your job is so tough, “Mr. First World Problems.” This is precisely why Captain Cock-Nozzle possesses the same level of likability as tofu “ice cream” and earaches combined.

The whole point of wanting to be “every-man” is that you actually fucking are “every-man.”  The crushing majority of us don’t get free NFL tickets.  Anybody can win the lottery, and anybody can end up on the NFL Network.  But before Mike Mayock was Mike Mayock, the only way he could get free NFL tickets was to take out personal ads demonstrating his willingness to wear a Bea Arthur costume with “no questions asked.”

7) Phil Simms (CBS)

Pro:  Simms won Super Bowl XXI by defeating John Elway in a year when he had the Denver Broncos stomping through the NFL like a giant radioactive lizard through 1960’s Tokyo.  Simms must also be going to that same secret clinic in Denmark to get the same youth treatments Dick Clark was getting…you know, the ones which by the end of his life made him look like a 13-year old who had a massive stroke.

Con:  Meehan bleeds New York Giant blue, which on one hand means he may have a serious circulatory condition, but it also means he would rather french-kiss a light socket than to admit Phil Simms is to announcing as Justin Bieber is to death metal. But Meehan is nothing but honest, which means he knows Phil Simms’ comments are constantly digging Jim Nantz into more holes than those seen by Arnold Palmer and Wilt Chamberlain combined.

III. Play-by-Play

1) Marv Albert (CBS)

Pro: We can’t decide whether he belongs in the Hairpiece Hall of Fame, or if the actual award should be named for him. If it isn’t him, it’s Howard Cosell. Either way, as far as fake hair is concerned, Albert has the Taj Mahal of scalp cover.

Con: Like most people being considered for any sort of Hall of Fame, Albert is way past his prime. He is also far better as a basketball guy; the only collision sport he understands happens in hotel rooms and gets you in trouble with the law. The testament to how talented Albert actually is stems from the fact that his career survived a scandal in 1997 in which he was charged with forcible sodomy and assault of a longtime female acquaintance, which led to a three-day trial that revealed his fetishes for biting, male-male-female threesomes and ladies’ underwear.

Worse yet, any mention of Albert forces us to talk about hairpieces, which in turn forces us to talk Karl Ravech, who undoubtedly has the worst rug in all of sports.

The fact that Ravech thinks he's fooling anybody with that pelt is funnier than any Marv Albert mugshot joke we could make.

The fact that Ravech thinks he’s fooling anybody with that pelt is funnier than any Marv Albert mugshot joke we could make.

2) Thom Brennaman (CBS)

Pro: Sometimes not having a personality can be a good thing.  In Brennaman’s case, it’s a great thing.  Brennaman is the first guy on this list who is on what we like to call “The Skip Caray Memorial Scholarship,” meaning his father Marty’s status as the legendary announcer for the Cincinnati Reds is what got Thom into the business in the first place.

Con: Paint drying, concrete hardening, and “Open Mic” poetry night at a hipster coffee house were all asked what is more boring than they are. They all said  “listening to Thom Brennaman.”  Not to mention, we are all waiting to see how long it takes Thom to work into an NFL broadcast how long it has been since the Chicago Cubs have won a World Series.

3) Joe Buck (Fox)

Pro:  The best thing about Joe Buck is that he comes from a great sportscaster bloodline, which explains why he has one of the best voices around.

Con: Ever since Buck got owned by Artie Lange on the premiere of his own show, it’s been hard to take him seriously.  We love Artie to near death, and to be fair, he’s been close several times. But if you get butt-housed on your own show by a heroin addict who’s ninety pounds overweight, not only do you have some serious fucking explaining to do, but we are all going to think you could get your ass handed to you by whichever foreign kid just won that spelling bee thing.   Like a lot of guys on this list, Buck’s forte is really in another sport; Buck’s life work is in baseball and even people currently on the “pull their feeding tube” list have figured that out.

4) Al Michaels (NBC)

Pro: At first glance, one might wonder why the voice “behind the “Miracle on Ice” could end up on this list, because let’s face it…Al Michaels is the fucking man when it comes to play-by-play announcers. not only that, but he has achieved this level of greatness while being saddled with ham-tongues like Dan Dierdorf, John Madden, and currently Cris Collinsworth.

Con:  The fact that he has yet to have Cris Collisnsworth killed, or at the very least banished to a tropical island with an infected spider monkey and absolutely no way to do a remote satellite uplink.  Sunday Night Football is Al Michael’s world, and for some fucking reason, he keeps letting Collinsworth live in it.  In other words, all Al has to do is give the word, and the Kommissar of NBC Sports, Dick Ebersol, will send Chris to go fishing with Fredo Corleone.  That means either Michaels actually likes Collinsworth, which would force us to question his judgement, or he just hasn’t had the balls to say anything, which means his own level of comfort is more important to him that preventing the weekly ear-fucking 40 million football fans get every Sunday night from Collinworth’s crushing stupidity.

5) Chris Myers (Fox)

Pro: There a fine balance when it comes to the bone structure of the human face. Just the right amount of pronouncement in the jawline, cheekbones, et cetera and you look like a super hero. Too much and you like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”  Myers is either exceptionally gifted in this area, or there is a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills driving a Bentley with the vanity plate “THXCHRIS.”

Con:  Combine the aforementioned bone structure with Myers’ “George Jetson” snap-on hair, and he looks more like a guy who should be on a cable news network telling me about a plane crash in a manner so stiff that he makes Al Gore look like an auto-eroticist.

6) Jim Nantz (CBS)

Pro: Jim Nantz has a voice smoother than butter wrapped in imported silk, and he is one of the most knowledge announcers out there.

Con: These qualities are what make a great golf announcer, and at that, there is nobody better than Jim Nantz. But this is football, and while Nantz can outshine many microphone men, he needs to decide whether he wants to be great at golf or mediocre at football. Know what is a tradition unlike any other? Piping in fake bird noises. That works in golf, but doing so in football would be like playing Mozart in a strip club. Pick a side, asshole.

7) Brad Nessler (NFL Network)

brad nessler milk carton

Pro: People can be declared legally dead if they’ve been missing for seven years.  When he was at ESPN, Nessler was always doing those Utah State-BYU games that started at 11:30 p.m. ET. Couple that with the fact he now works for the NFL Network makes it clear nobody has seen Nessler in years, which means such a declaration must be imminent.

Con: Let’s cut through the crap here.  There’s a reason why this guy is calling bullshit Thursday night games on a bullshit network nobody gets. Anybody who makes you wish that Kirk Herbstreit would suddenly wake up one morning, decide he hates college football, and pulls whatever strings necessary to end up in the Thursday Night booth with Mike Mayock can fuck right off.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just fuck right off.  More importantly, isn’t it time to adjust that joke for inflation? Can we get some economics major somebody work out the math for us here?

IV. Sideline Reporters:

1) Erin Andrews (Fox)

Pro:  Erin Andrews isn’t a sideline reporter because of her extensive NFL knowledge.  She’s down there because she’s smoking hot.  To suggest anything else is delusional, and if that offends anybody we’re not really concerned. Doubt that? Ask Krik Minihane at Fox Sports Radio what he thinks.

I will say this. I think she stinks at her job. I don’t think she’s very smart, I don’t think she comes across as very smart. I think Fox only hired her because she’s good-looking. I think if she weighed 15 pounds more she’d be a waitress at Perkins. That’s what I believe.

Before that, he called her a “gutless bitch” on the air. That didn’t get him suspended, but the “waitress” crack did. The best part is that comment came during his apology for the “bitch” thing. The worst part is that he’s way off on his assessment. Andrews would have to gain far more weight to be a Perkins’ waitress.  The actual breakdown works like this:

  • 15-pound weight gain: Local television weather babe
  • 30-pound weight gain: Corporate spokesperson
  • 45-pound weight gain: Upscale suburban housewife driving a Mercedes SUV with 3 toddlers in it
  • 60-pound weight gain: Jenny Craig commercial
  • 75-pound weight gain: Cosmetologist
  • 100-pound weight gain: Perkins waitress

Con:  Erin  Andrews is living proof that just being hot doesn’t mean you have any credibility.  Since we’re fresh out of “peephole” jokes, consider last year’s dust-up between Richard Sherman and the American television viewing audience. This is a woman that actually had the stones to question who Sherman was talking about and essentially demand he clarify it, even though we all knew who he meant.

2) Jenny Dell (CBS, new)

Pro:  CBS finally broke down and joined the ranks of those using sideline reporters. That means we don’t know much about Dell, but we hear she is super hot, and apparently all the proof of that you need can be found by web-searching “Jenny Dell Costume Party.”

Con: It’s not like the interweb needs more spank material; besides, she’s engaged to future Pawtucket Red Sox Hall-of-Famer Will Middlebrooks.

3) Alex Flanagan (NFL Network)

Pro: The invisibility factor of the NFL Network factors large here, because…

Con: …Alex Flanagan is proof that a woman can be in great physical shape, have top-quality hair and make-up, and yet be completely unattractive due to some seriously bad plastic surgery. It’s not “Kenny rogers” bad, but she always has this pained expression on her face; it’s like how we would picture Ann Coulter looking like if she were trying to shit a washing machine.

4) Pam Oliver (Fox)

Lexington Steele: Gets better "selfies" than you do.

Lexington Steele: Gets better “selfies” than you do.

Pro:  Despite what we said about Tom Jackson, Oliver gives us our best shot to get call “racist.” The bottom line is that Meehan is so white he might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says “Bleach” on it, and yet he’s dying for the American porn industry to give us a video of Oliver getting doggy-porked by Lexington Steele.

Con: Aside from the fact that she reminds us of Michelle Obama (if Obama didn’t look like Patrick Ewing in drag), Oliver’s reporting is full of name dropping while being almost completely devoid of actual information. She’s always “just talked to (insert name here)” about everything and “they assured her that this would not be an issue that would affect the rest of the game.”  Of course, she says this about a guy who is getting Civil War-era field surgery on the sideline, and she has yet to figure out most people are only giving bullshit answers designed exclusively to allow them to get the fuck away from her.  Not to mention, after you read this, all you will be able to picture is Meehan getting his jollies watching her rub a massive man-load into her amazing neck fat.

5) Tony Siragusa (Fox)

Pro:  The fact that he is doing adult diaper commercials is comedy gold for a couple of  alcoholic bloggers.

Con:  Siragusa is unique amongst sideline reporters in the sense that he’s a constant part of the broadcast, as opposed to the standard quick toss for an injury update.  This is confusing as hell because “Goose” almost always stomps the fuck out of the commentary of whichever poor saps they stick him with; it’s pure  broadcast toxicity.  Not to mention, “Goose” is a stupid nickname, and the visual of a future gastric-bypass patient with severe bladder leakage is even more disturbing than Pam Oliver taking a “money shot.”

6) Michele Tafoya (NBC)

Pro: Tafoya exhibits more professionalism than any other sideline reporter. She’s got a good voice and knows her shit.  Of course, by “good voice” we mean “kind of sounds like a dude,” and by “knows her shit” we mean “can finish sentences.”

Con: She looks like if Mary Lou Retton gave birth to a chipmunk baby, and it became a sideline reporter after it ate the SyFy Network. Also, she has the personality of construction-grade plywood, and listening to her festoon the Hall-of-Fame game with details of the extra features on Sunday Night Football’s website exemplified pointlessness.

7) Tracy Wolfson (CBS, new)

Pro:  Wolfson actually looks like the one female on this list who would actually give to schlubs like us the time of day. Of course, that means she is the kind of girl who gets attractive right after last call.

Con: NFL fans are going to discover just how unenjoyable she made college football.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, we don’t think any of the ass-hats on this have an upside.  Except for Al Michaels, but even then, we still want Cris Collinsworth dead. You can make that happen Al, don’t pretend like you can’t.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

3 comments on “The Deep Six: NFL Broadcasting Figures We Can’t Make Up Our Minds About

  1. SportsChump
    August 15, 2014

    Let’s begin with this, shall we?

    Ah yes, nothing like a little Chris Berman yelling at stage hands to get me in the mood.

    And let us not forget how offended Joe Buck was by Randy Moss.

    What else can I say, gentlemen? Brilliant as always. You guys are the Simon and Garfunkel of the blogging world.

    After reading this, I’m not sure whether or not to look forward to football season.

    Guess I’ll just have to watch the games with the volume down.


    • J-Dub
      August 16, 2014

      If it weren’t for the good people at the Dollar Shave Club, I’d be dangerously close to the Art Garfunkel hair-do.


    • J-Dub
      August 16, 2014

      And I’m pretty sure Meehan has nailed Edie Brickell.


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