What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. That means we’ve written this piece about the goddamn Patriots before. You would think we have run out of material. Thankfully, nothing could be further from the truth.
The reason why we do this is actually rather simple. The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
That’s why in this particular game, the hardest part about rooting for New England is the fact that they really aren’t in dire need of another Super Bowl win. Nobody should cry for them if they can’t punch this one in. That’s why it’s easier to root against them. Here’s why.
1) Tom Brady (Again)
Brady is one of only two people to have his own episode in this series dedicated exclusively to him. The fact the other is Jay Cutler should tell you something. You would think from that statement alone that I hate Tom Brady. In fact, the exact opposite is true. The man is an incredible douche-nozzle, and yet he has a legion of fans who will lick his spooge off a locker-room floor on demand. There simply isn’t a better recipe for a group of people begging to be trolled on a regular basis, and for a blogger, that’s solid fucking gold.
Think about it this way. There’s a lot of people who want to think that Brady is a likeable guy who just happened upon the greatest job in all of professional sports. But, what if he’s a total dick? It would make perfect sense. The guy’s not humble at all, and he has supermodel wife, and every night he bangs her on a pile of $100 bills. Let’s face it, Brady reminds us all of that guy in our lives that piss us off to no end because they deserve what they have as much as those poor, third-world orphans you see on television deserve being exploited to the strains of Sarah MacLaughlin music.
As far as the ladies are concerned, we know most of you love Tom because you would strap your kids into your mini-van and let it roll into a lake for a chance to be on that pile of Franklins getting a solid dose of the Brady-boner. But in all fairness if you’re a woman and you’re reading this blog, you are probably burning something in the kitchen, so you’d better go take care of that while we pretend it was a fantastic decision to let you vote.
2) Rob Gronkowski
If we saw the Grim Reaper playing Beer Pong with Al Sharpton and the Gronk, the loser getting that whole eternal “lake of fire” deal, we’d really have to consider backing Sharpton. Granted, that race-baiting windbag deserves a dirt-nap more than most people, but it is sooooooo hard to back any guy who looks is one Jag-bomb away from yet another routine “Rush Week” alcohol poisoning death. Everybody hates the “frat guy”-type, and a college-age kid in a sweatshirt adorned with Greek letters is every bit as much of a menace to society as a black kid in a hoodie. The problem is the Greek douche-wad is far too less likely to be on the receiving end of some police-led, Glock-infused justice.
In other words, even if the guy is an awesome receiver and in prime physical condition, we simply can’t have any respect for a guy who was obviously the inspiration for “Meathead Rob Lowe.” Not only is it obvious he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer off the field, but taunting the crowd on the road is a seriously weak move. Taunting the people who pay your salary is always weak, which means Gronk is a guy who’s completely oblivious to the fact that he’s a quintessential asshole.
3) Bill Belichick
Jesus, where to start with this guy? He always seems like he’s having a hemorrhoidal flare-up, which is why he is the one guy who could take the fun out of getting a blowjob from Kate Upton while winning the Powerball. From the very moment Bill Belichick began having to give press conferences, he became as likeable as hangnails and skunked beer combined. The guy hadn’t even become a legend yet, and he had the gall to treat the press like something he’d scrape off his shoe. Needless to say, that only got worse after “Spygate,” and once this “Deflategate” shit blows over, that relationship is going to get colder than Hilary Clinton’s vagina in a tub full of liquid nitrogen.
If that weren’t enough, the man dresses like a casualty of police violence and that’s never a good look, especially for an old white man. The man’s been to five Super Bowls, and during those travels he apparently never once passed a Dollar General so he could pick up a fucking comb.
But the biggest problem with Belichick’s grumpy old man routine is that when you root for an individual, you do so because you genuinely want to see the elation on that person’s face when they succeed. In Belichick’s case, we really can’t imagine what it would take to change his facial expression short of the maintenance crew from Mt. Rushmore. Who can he happy for a guy who simply can’t be happy?
4) Robert Kraft
Picture the NFL like the Civil War. Now, picture Jerry Jones as a “Jefferson Davis” type; the bloated-rich asshole leader of the Confederacy. That would make Robert Kraft something like Ulysess S. Grant, a whiskey-soaked dickrod who eventually vomits his way on to the $50 bill. Both Jones and Kraft have a net worth greater than most third world countries, but Kraft wears those incredibly stupid blue shirts with the white collars usually only seen on hyper-douches from 1987.
Kraft’s reason for existing is all about getting people from all parts of the world into his press box so that a) Kraft can be seen with them and b) they can be confused by a game they don’t give a shit about. China’s ambassador to the United Nations shouldn’t be at Kraft’s right hand gulping down something blue with a little paper umbrella in it. He ought to be back in Beijing cutting the ribbon at the opening of that country’s 8 millionth KFC franchise and finding out why we can’t use more Chinese prisoners as “willing” organ donors.
But, let’s keep this about America. Having the Robert Kraft’s of the world is the price we pay for having a capitalist economy. Besides, there’s only one thing more American than becoming a successful businessman who owns a professional sports franchise, and that’s hating a successful businessman who owns a professional sports franchise.